I love my new home, but not my one neighbor

I'm so tired and worn out, physically and mentally. My eyes are bloodshot, and my back and boob hurt. However, I am in my new home, (slept here four nights now) and it's so much nicer! Even though the weather has been horrible the past week, the view is still amazing. Watching Puget Sound with white caps is pretty awesome. I am sleeping a little better because it's quieter, and the building is so much better insulated, I don't freeze. At the apartment, it was like there was nothing in the walls, so then I'd crank the heat up and get too hot. 

Moving is so hard. I've decided this is it. I'll die in this place! It's been challenging trying to figure out where to put stuff. I have more storage, but I am quite sure the living room is smaller, so furniture placement has been a bitch. Now I'm trying to figure out where to put a Christmas tree!

The only negative has been the weirdo woman directly below me. I'll call her Kim (not her real name - I'm afraid she'd sue me). Apparently everyone in the building has experienced the wrath of Kim. My God, there are only five units, but I think she is determined to make life hell for the other four homeowners. 

I couldn't get my beautiful pink bike into my storage locker, as it's too long (many of you have seen it - a pink cruiser with a basket that Abbey will ride in)! So, I talked to Chuck and Tessa, my wonderful neighbors across the hall, who are the treasurer and secretary of the association, respectively. They suggested I park it in the lobby since it's so cute. The lobby is secure, and there is only one unit on the ground floor, and the owner spends most of her time in Hawaii, so is rarely there. She doesn't care, either.

Then the first curt e-mail came from Kim. She wanted me to remove my bike because it's common area, and doesn't belong there. I responded that I really didn't have anywhere else to put it, and that I was a recent cancer survivor, and didn't have it in me to carry it up three flights of stairs. I also pointed out that Chuck, Tessa, myself and the lady in Hawaii is okay with it, so the majority didn't mind.

Then on Saturday, Kim sends me an e-mail, (mind you, I'm right upstairs) to let me know that to "help" me out, she put my bike into the storage area. I flipped. She set it in the middle so no one else would be able to get into their storage lockers, and where it could get all scratched up. That bike was the last really cool gift from Mom and Pop before they died. They bought it for me after I graduated from college in 2005. (Yes, I'm a late bloomer). So it has special meaning to me, too.

Kim says in her e-mail that Chuck is "not in charge of managing the building." 

I was livid, so with the help of my new friend, David, we moved it back into the lobby. I e-mailed Chuck, Tessa and the gal in Hawaii of the latest developments. Chuck sent Kim a message, which he copied to everyone, saying she's right, he's not the building manager, but neither is she and he said "if you do not specify a CC&R or by-law, your commands and threatening language carry no weight." I had e-mailed Kim pleading with her not to touch my bike again, that it is neither ugly, nor in the way. I also mentioned my donation of a much better rug for the entrance to the building - a real nice stormchaser rug from LLBean.

So, this was yesterday. I go out to recycle some more boxes and paper as I'm unloading, and my bike is gone from the lobby - again. That bitch shoved it back into the storage unit. This time I hauled it out, put it back in the lobby, and I left a note on her door (since she didn't answer when I knocked loudly - and I know she's in there) that if she touched my bike again I'd call the cops.

I had barely put the note up, when she's at my door pounding. I opened the door, and our first meeting began as a shouting match. She's crazy. She is trying to sell her unit – I looked at it over a year ago! It's overpriced and smells of her old dog. She's convinced that my bike in the lobby will deter potential buyers for her unit. Really? How about dropping the price and change out the carpet?

Kim went on about how we're all rule breakers, and how awful Chuck is. I shut her right down. Chuck and Tessa are a lovely couple - they even sent me a gorgeous Christmas floral arrangement as a welcome gift. She was just screaming at me, how she was going to get a lawyer, call 911, it was horrible. I asked her why she couldn't just be neighborly. She said I wasn't being a good neighbor, etc., then she crossed herself (like Catholics do). I looked at her and asked her why she was crossing herself - did she think I was Satan? Her eyes got huge, and she said, "oh, you're not a very nice person." I felt like saying, and you are a bitter, nasty woman.

At one point she said to me, "well, honey, I'm dying." I asked her what was wrong with her, and she said it was none of my business.

To make a horrid story short, we both finally calmed down and came up with a possible solution. The fifth owner, Catherine, is in Florida until Dec. 15. Kim said her storage locker is empty. If Catherine will let me put my bike in her storage locker, great. If not – get this – Kim says she'll take all of her stuff out of hers and we can put it in there. I said, "are you kidding, it means that much to you?" 

She said it did. She's absolutely nuts. I truly pray to God she sells. Every single person in there has been attacked by her on some issue. She said she's selling because the building has changed, with all of us "new people" who don't follow the rules. When she finally got out of my face I was shaking and crying. I had to take 1/2 a Xanax and drink some wine to calm down.

So, other than that (!!) it's all good. My bathroom turned out beautiful, I got new towels, shower curtain and rug, and with the gorgeous new tile, it looks pretty. Abbey seems to like the place. She likes looking out the big window at the world below.

Also, I've had four dates now with David, who I guess I shall refer to as my new beau. He's so sweet. I saw his home briefly Saturday night, and I was in awe of the Beatles memorabilia he has – he's like me! We have some of the same Beatles posters. He also owns eight beautiful guitars - nice ones, Fender, etc. His home is in the Mt. Baker neighborhood, a very nice area near Lake Washington on the west side. He is into classic sports cars, music, and he has a Harley-Davidson, which I can't wait to ride on when the weather gets better. 

I called him crying after the whole run in with Kim. I was so upset. I hope I didn't scare him off! He helped me with a few honey-dos around the condo, too. 

And I am so grateful to Nina for the fine job she did on everything for me. She's a wonderful person and very competent contractor. If you're in Seattle, look her up - Velvet Hammer.

So, more unpacking and getting a Christmas tree up are on the agenda this week in addition to work. Colleen is flying in Saturday night for a short business trip, so I'm going to have her help me hang art, since she's got the interior designer eye going on. 

She flys out the 13th, the day I have the remaining fat necrosis removed from my boob. It's a short surgery, but I will be IV sedated. David will take me and drive me home. He's such a sweetie.

I was supposed to have a massage yesterday, but I rescheduled for Friday. I was just too frazzled. So I have that to look forward to, along with Col coming, David and then of course my baby Taylor coming for Christmas.

If you're on my Christmas card list, and don't get one this year, it's because it's just too much right now. I've never missed a beat on this, but I need to allow myself to let it go if I get too stressed out. That doesn't mean I love any of you less.

Something huge to look forward to!

Wow! I might get to close on the condo this week! Words cannot describe how excited I am about moving to my "deluxe apartment in the sky," which is only on the third floor, but I am on top AND I have a view of Puget Sound and the Olympic Mountains. George Jefferson would be proud!
I don't plan to move in until the end of the month, but I want time to clean (my way) and Nina, my contractor friend, needs time to get the bathroom done.
I decided to re-tile around the bath enclosure. It's the original tile and not only is it ugly and doesn't match the new floor the seller put in, the grout is pitted, so ten to one it's wet behind the tile. So this will be mass destruction in the bathroom. I picked out killer tile, with a glass tile accent, which Nina will also put around the sink back splash to pull it all together. The glass tile has a little bit of mother-of-pearl in it for some bling, then I saw a shower curtain with little crystals in it, for a little more bling! I have to buy a mirror for the bathroom, too, because there isn't one, so I'm hoping to find something sort of vintage. And I'll get new towels! I am so excited to be able to get some of my personality into a place!!!!
I'm also having Nina put in a new hot water heater. The one there now works, but it's older than dirt, and I would just freak if it leaked on the new carpet, and it's in the master bedroom closet, so if it leaked it would destroy my shoes, and leak on everyone below me - none of it good.
To think, just a year ago I was still in a chemo haze and bald. I had a trim yesterday - my hair is just insane! It's so thick and curly! It's really looking cool now. I donated my wig and my breast prosthetics to the American Cancer Society, and they were thrilled! It made me feel good, too, not only to get rid of those things, but knowing there are women out there who don't even have insurance to get them, so hopefully someone will use these and feel better about the whole ugly situation.
On election day, it was also get a nipple day. It didn't hurt, but I have more fat necrosis over the new boob, and it does hurt. But I have to be sedated for him to do that, and I'm just too busy right now to take time to be knocked out again. So, it's scheduled for Dec. 13. I asked Dr. Isik if this is going to be a constantly re-occurring thing, and he said this should be the last time. But it really does hurt. It feels like my boob is going to explode. Once it settles down, then he will tattoo the aerola and I'm done! If I still can't handle the mastectomy/reconstruction scars, I have saved a newspaper article for a year now about a female tattoo artist here in Seattle who specializes in art over those scars. Maybe some vines, or John Lennon, Eddie Vedder? Who knows!
I still haven't gone back to Pilates, simply because of time. When I'm not working, I'm dealing with planning this move. I've packed maybe 15 boxes, and have been purging crap I don't want or need anymore. And work has been busy! Being the only reporter covering Issaquah, believe it or not, is hard! There's a lot going on over there mainly with growth issues. Then I covered two local political races, one which was nasty. God I'm glad the election is over. And I am so relieved that Obama was re-elected. I wasn't ready for my vagina to be sewn shut!
I'm still trying to have a little bit of a life. I did go to the ball with Mira, and it was fun even though I only danced about five times. But it was cool to see people dressed up in flannel Seattle! Almost all the women had on long gowns, some vintage, and all of the gentlemen had on tuxes except one dude in a suit, and two in kilts. Go figure.
Last night I went to the Broadway play "Wicked" at the Paramount Theater. It was fabulous! What a great story! It's about the witches of Oz way before Dorothy drops in. The two gals in the lead roles of Glinda and Elphaba, were absolutely amazing. There are some seriously talented stage actors out there. They both had such unreal, powerful voices. There were flying monkeys, the Wizard - it was very cool.
After packing boxes for awhile today, I had a coffee date with a nice man I met online. I've gone on several of these coffee dates, that have gone absolutely nowhere, but this was different. There was a connection. He's my age (imagine that - me possibly interested in someone my own age! Hahaha!)
We'll see where it goes. He's lived here all his life. Beautiful Paul Newman blue eyes.
I'm going to Mira's for Thanksgiving, since my kitchen might be in two places, and I have no one coming anyway. Taylor normally spends Thanksgiving with his dad, because they like to go hunting. Then he'll come here for Christmas. He's looking forward to seeing the new place. He really likes it down there (Alki-Beach Dr.) too.
So, if I can just make it through this move without falling apart, I'll be good!

I need more hours in a day

So much has happened in the past month I don't even believe it. I'm back to work as of Oct. 3, and I am in the process of buying the wonderful condo I talked about in my last blog. But I'm so damn tired all the time. It makes me angry with myself that I can't keep up the pace. I even woke myself up this morning because I was snoring! I never snored before.
Going back to work has been a real adjustment. I wasn't used to getting up and having to pretty much step on the gas right away. Combined with working through the condo transaction, I barely have time for all the things I was taking for granted like nice walks with Abbey or practicing my ukulele.
I'm still not my old self. September 27, I had the little nip and tuck I mentioned before. This included lifting the right breast. Dammit, everything hurts worse than I think it's going to! I had a follow up Oct. 10, the day before my birthday, and Dr. Isik said it looked good, but I still have so much swelling on the new breast. He prescribed me some antibiotics, which helped, but I still feel like a freak because they don't match.
Then, the words I never thought I'd hear in my whole life - November 6 is nipple day! Oh yay....but that will be the end of surgeries. So, since I had a skin sparing mastectomy, I've got enough tissue there for him to push it together and make a new nipple. A few weeks after that, comes the tattoo of the areola.
But I'm tired, and bummed because I'm not exercising as much as I'd like to because I'm so tired. Hopefully things will settle down one of these days. I'm going to have to hire movers when I move into the condo, because it's on the third floor and I can't lift much these days. Which brings me to my back. No, I don't have bone cancer thank God. But I do have arthritis in my back now, and my L5/S1 are a bit worn out, but this doesn't require surgery, which I wouldn't do anyway! No more cutting on me!!!!
I went to a rehabilitative doc, and he said given my history of Pilates, to get back into it and it will strengthen my back again. I know it will. I've just been to tired to do it. He was a cool guy.
That said I did get Abbey to the park today for our usual hike, and I did fine. Tonight I'm going to a ball. You heard right. A ball. As in Cinderella went to the ball! Although I don't feel like Cinderella.
Mira talked me into this a long time ago. It's called "An Evening in Vienna," and this year it's at the University of Washington in their huge ballroom that's apparently very beautiful and newly remodeled. It's black tie, so I had to buy a dress, a gown if you will. I got a good deal on a very flattering long black "mermaid" dress. It's ruched through the bodice, so it's very figure flattering. It has a higher neckline, but is sheer on top, so it hides all my scars that might otherwise be revealed. I'm so self-conscious.
Friday night Mira and I went to a three-hour ball prep, which focused on brushing up on waltz and foxtrot, with a little bit of polka, which may sound dorky, but it was the most fun. It's like how they danced in "Gone With The Wind." Waltz was considered far too scandalous then because of the closeness with your dance partner! Hahaha! Anyway, God I hope there are some decent leads there tonight (guys) because I was stepped on more than once, and even have a bruise on my left big toe. A follow is only as good as her lead, and if they push you down the dance floor or invade your dance space, it's a drag.
But, I guess it's good I'm getting out amongst them! I was too tired to even go to a movie last night after my day of chores and errands.
I did go over to my old stomping grounds for my birthday and Taylor's birthday. I drove over on my birthday and came home Sunday. He is living with a couple of guys now, and it's a typical bachelor pad, but it looked fine. I saw a lot of my old pals, but again it was too short and fast. It's good to go over there, but I really don't miss the place, just the people.
I think I'm going to get back into the condo Tuesday and hopefully get a couple of contractors in to bid on a new hot water heater and possibly new tile around the tub. Everything else is pretty much done, but the seller's representative re-tiled the bathroom floor with nice new big tiles, but the tub still has the original old icky white tile around it with a black accent, so it looks weird. I want shit done before I move in.
One more thing. I had applied for an MFA program in creative writing, but I didn't get in. I was very disappointed, but as my friend Taryn has said, and I believe this, God opens the doors that are meant to open, and closes the other ones. It would probably kill me to add school on top of all of this other stuff right now.
So, if all goes well I'll be in the condo at the end of November. If I don't do Christmas cards this year, don't freak. I can only do so much.
Time to put the pretty on. Hopefully no one will step on me!

The end is near

As I sit in the treatment chair, right now, I'm getting my last Herceptin infusion. I never thought this day would come. I'm also getting a flu shot, as I do every year, but I am even more vigilant because of my white blood count still being low. It's weird; it was 2.3 today. Three weeks ago it was at 3. In the 4 range is normal. It takes forever for all of the chemo effects to wear off.
I have a new problem, and I hope it's not serious. My back has been bothering me a great deal. This started way before cancer. It's where disc L5 joins the SI, and is most prevalent on the right side. There have been a few incidents recently where I thought it was going to go out on me. It hurts terribly. So, next Tuesday I'm having a bone scan and MRI to see what's up with that. I got sort of scared. Bone cancer of course shot through my head, but Dr. Kaplan said that's an odd place to get it. Hopefully it's just pressure on the disc or something.
But, I'm thrilled to say, the reconstruction mess is getting much better. I saw Dr. Isik yesterday, and he's ready for the next step. So, next Thursday, I'll have another little surgery, this time in the OR in his office. This is to remove the fat necrosis over my new left breast, and lift the right side so I am symmetrical. I was really surprised that he thought I was ready. Since he's already going to have me down for the count (under anesthesia) he will remove this damn port that's been in me since March 2011!! For that I am super stoked.
There will still be a few more little things to do, but I'm beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Fear of cancer coming back will always live with me, however.
Still no job, but two people are leaving the Bellevue office of the company I worked for. One is leaving for a job with a business journal, the other is having a baby. So, I applied - it's not like they don't know me. So, I'm going to visit with Craig, the editor, on Monday. It's certainly not like they don't know my work. I'm to the point now where I just want to get back to work.
I'm also psyched because there is a new condo on the market, that is even better than the one I was close to making an offer on before I was laid off in March. This one is in a building with only five units; I actually had looked at another one in the same building, but she wanted too much money I thought and it did not have a covered parking place. I saw this in Sunday's paper, and thought I'd go check it out (it was an open house). I figured it was the one I looked at before, but NO! It's the one above it, so it has vaulted ceilings, which makes it feel much bigger, and it has a covered parking space.
Not only that, it's an estate sale, so the son of whoever died, put in an all new kitchen - cabinets, flooring, counters and stainless steel appliances! It also has new paint and nice new carpet. All this, and a view of Puget Sound and the Olympic Mountains. So if I get re-hired, I'm going to give it a shot. I will feel much better in a better neighborhood and lovely place.
I have been sort of down due to concerns about other people in my life who are having even greater struggles. It just seems like there's so much bad ju-ju going on. I hope things turn around for all of us very soon.

I think the universe is opening up for me.

The past week has been sort of extraordinary. I went to Whidbey Island the 26th through the 28th of August, and although I didn't see any cheap real estate that I loved, or groovy job opportunities, I may have stumbled onto something completely unexpected.
I met this very nice lady who was going through a program right now to get her MFA in creative writing. As it turned out, I know someone else who just graduated from the same program. It's quite interesting, fully accredited and is through the Northwest Academy of Literary Arts. You spend two 9-day stints on the island at the lovely Capt. Whidbey Inn, and do the rest online. My friend who just graduated and this woman both raved about it. It's just for creative writers - and there's absolutely no math involved! So, I'm contemplating applying.
Meantime, all sort of interesting opportunities are coming my way. Nothing has solidified yet, but I do have one for-sure interview this week for a job that is related to another field I've been interested in but I haven't pursued it before because it would involve eventually opening my own business. But if I got this job, I'd get a taste of the industry. Ditto for one other opportunity. I don't want to say too much more, in case none of it works out.
Meantime, my old boss, Mary, called me. She's such a dear. Always looking out for me. Next Sunday, the Susan Komen Foundation is having a hosted luncheon for breast cancer survivors on the Holland America Cruise ship, the Oosterdam, while it's at the cruise terminal. They want me to go, as a survivor, and to also write a story about it for the Pink Pages which they do for breast cancer awareness month (October). So of course I said yes! I can't wait to see what one of these big ass cruise ships looks like.
But there's more to this one, too. One of the executive VP's with Holland America is on the Mercer Island City Council, and Mary has access to him. And they're hiring. So, she's going to try to arrange a meeting for me. I've applied with them before (PR type jobs) but they ignore me. I am telling you, it's connections that get you a job anymore. I paid $40 to one of those head hunter web sites, and they either send me jobs that I know I don't qualify for, or some dingbat calls me and wants me to enter the exciting world of insurance sales. No thanks. I did my time with commission sales. I couldn't deal with that stress again.
I continue to get better and better. I saw Dr. Isik (the plastic surgeon) Wednesday, and he is ever impressed with my progress. I have a lot of swelling still over the new breast, and he said it's called fat necrosis. It really bugs me - it feels like I have a lot of pressure on my chest, and like I've got something under my arm all the time when it's down. But he said it will go down, and settle into one little spot, then he'll pluck it out. So, I see him again in three weeks.
Then on Friday I had my next to the last Herceptin infusion! Yay! Then I can FINALLY get my port out. I've had it in since March of 2011 and I'm real sick of it. Dr. Isik may take it out rather than my surgical oncologist, since he's still got work to do on me. There will be another procedure to lift the right breast and get them both to match once the swelling is down.
I can't believe I'm almost done with Herceptin. My heart is doing well, in fact they scheduled me for an echo cardiogram the 10th. But I just saw a new study come out that said women who have undergone chemo for breast cancer and then used Herceptin are at greater risk for heart disease. Super. But I'm not too worried, because my heart has been stalwart so far. It's a good ticker, thank God. I credit exercise to that.
I start restorative yoga next weekend, and Tango lessons Sept. 11 for six weeks, which should be fun. I'm not ready for Pilates again because of the abdominal incision, but I'll get there.
But Abbey and I are walking the woods again in Lincoln Park and it's been great.
The only downer is my car. After I left the cancer institute Friday, my car would not unlock. The key less entry hasn't worked for some time, but this time even the key didn't work manually. I called two locksmiths, but they both said BMWs are too secure, and they can't get into them. So, I had to be towed to the dealer. I got there 10 minutes before they closed. They were kind enough to give me a really, really nice loaner (a 2010 328I) but it's going to cost about a grand to get into my car again. Shit. They had to order the new tumbler assembly, so it could be I won't get my car back until Friday. But being the dealership, they took it upon themselves to comb through the whole car and rattle off this laundry list of stuff I had better get fixed at outrageous cost, and I told the service advisor, forget it - just get me in the damn car.
I have a wonderful mechanic with a little shop right here in West Seattle, and I'm going to have him look at all these so-called repairs I need, and if he says it's all B.S. then fine. If it's not B.S., then I'm going to start shopping for a new car, because I just won't put any more money into this one. It's been a fabulous car, I've loved it, and I feel very safe in it. But I just hate repair after repair. I need a dependable car. I just hate the bus. Too many weirdos.
So for now, I'm not ready to leave the city. I still like it here, the culture, the restaurants
and I have to say, the weather! No kidding, we're on day 43 (I think) of NO RAIN! If we make it another week it will be a record! Of course the rain will return - it's Seattle! But like my cousin Sheila says, at least you don't have to shovel rain. Seattle hasn't experienced the horrible drought or the horrible storms like they get in the gulf coast. Really, it's pretty mild here. The gloom gets tough in the winter, but at least it's not dark like Alaska gets in the dead of winter. Things could be worse.

Cold turkey

Well hell, I wish the doctor had told me to wean myself off the painkillers. After my last post, they ran out and I thought, okay, I'm done, because I didn't want to become dependent on them. I was on oxycodone. Bad shit. Real bad shit. I didn't leave the house for two days, and Tuesday - it was in the 80s outside - I laid on the couch rolled up in a ball in a blanket crying, freezing and sweating. God it was awful.
Wednesday I had to go to Swedish to talk to the social worker about continued assistance, so I had to go out amongst them, which was a good thing. I took care of some other business and went to Costco, too, and I felt much more human.
Sandy, the social worker, told me something I didn't know. For every hour you're under anesthesia, it takes a week to recover and get it out of your system. I was under for five hours. Tomorrow is four weeks out, so I figure another week and I may feel like myself again, and hopefully in another two or three I can get into some restorative yoga.
I am able to walk Abbey longer now. We went to Lincoln Park for the first time in a month, and it was a gorgeous, hot sunny day. We just walked along the water though, as I still don't have it in me to trek through the woods. But it was wonderful.
I had another massage with Naomi, which really helps my back. What a goddess with her hands. My belly incision doesn't hurt so much anymore either, so I'm trying to stand in the Pilates stance when I'm standing, and tuck my tailbone under. My new breast does hurt still. It's still very swollen and bruised. I'm going to call the doc tomorrow just to make sure that's normal.
I'm also sleeping better. I was having God-awful night sweats and now that I'm off the oxy - surprise! The night sweats are gone. Imagine waking up every morning soaked and freezing. I can't even imagine how people get hooked on pain killers. It's awful.
But now I've been burdened with GI problems all week from going off the oxycodone. Nothing looks good to me. So I'm forcing myself to eat a BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce and toast) and it's working. As much as I know I need fruits and veggies again, which I love, it's hard right now. I did eat some cucumber and tomato, and today some cantaloupe, banana and blueberries. Consequently, I've lost weight! Yay!
But yesterday was a great day. I met up with my old pal from the Coeur d'Alene Press days, Tyler Wilson, and his wife Angie, and their little girl Marion, along with some other people I didn't know, and had a lovely visit in Sodo, before they went to a Mariner's game. Tyler is a great guy. Then, I went to a dive bar called Linda's Tavern of all things, for Linda's Fest, to catch a new band, "Walking Papers," and I was blown away! I even met the drummer and on bass, the one and only Duff McKagan, formerly of Guns n' Roses! I was so stoked! They were totally killer. The lead singer/guitarist, Jeff Angell, is awesome. The drummer, Barrett Martin, and Angell are the main guys - who knows if Duff will stay with them, but I was right in front! I love being able to see all the details, setting up, plugging stuff in, the set list. It electrifies me.
Today I went to an uke jam and had fun as usual. I've been working on "Norwegian Wood," by the Beatles for weeks, and finally got the lick down. It's a hard one. We didn't do it at the jam, but I'm enjoying it as part of my repertoire. I watched Duff and Jeff very closely last night - their hands on the frets and their strumming, plucking patterns. Geez - I'll never be a rock star, but I sure do admire the talent. I know it's only rock and roll, but dammit I love it!
Taylor is coming over for a couple of days, then I'm taking off again in a week for a couple of nights on Whidbey Island. I haven't been there in ages. I found a quaint pet-friendly Inn in Coupeville, so I'm taking Miss Abbey on a little adventure. I'm going to scout around. I figure if I don't find a job here by the time all my cancer care is over, I might be outa here. I don't know. I love Seattle, but Whidbey is close enough so if I wanted to go to a show or something, I could still do it. God knows I love the San Juan's, but that's quite a commute. I need to find a place where I can live cheaper, and I want to stay near the water.

Back to normal - sort of

                With all my caregivers gone, I'm trying to rest up, get caught up and pursue looking for work with more enthusiasm, although I don't know if I could work yet. I get so darn tired. I'm three weeks post-op  now. Made it to Aerosmith with Col last Wednesday night, and slept in the next day. Yesterday I did make it to yet another concert, this one an earlier show because it was at the Zoo (part of their Zootunes series), and they always start at 6 p.m. sharp and don't go much later than 9 because of neighboring homes I imagine. So, I was home by 8:45 or so.
I saw Melissa Ethridge, one of my favorite ladies of rock. I saw her once before, years ago, before she had breast cancer. I could tell it changed her, too. She's one of those artists who talks to the audience between songs, and you can actually understand her! She said she's eight years cancer free now - I figured it had been awhile - plus her hair is long again!
So when she opened her encore with "I Walk For Life," which she wrote after the whole cancer thing, it was really emotional for me, tears welling up in my eyes.
I had an epiphany, too. I think one of the reasons I love rock so much, is that I understand the message so well. Rock and blues musicians speak to me - I get it. It's the soundtrack of my life. They express thoughts and feelings about life as I would like to.
Before "I'm The Only One," one my favorites of hers,  Melissa pointed out that we are the only ones who truly get it - about who we are. I  need to take care of myself - it's my life, you know? I mean, I know this, but it's good to be reminded.
So, enough of the philosophy of rock and roll! She is a rock star, but not flashy. She opened with "Fearless Love," and "Your Little Secret," before launching into a killer blues jam. She can certainly hold her own on the axe, let me tell you.
"I Want to Come Over," was performed with a whole lot of yearning, then she did "You Can't Always Get What You Want," doing the Stones proud. Loved it.
She's funny, too. Her belt broke, so her wardrobe/hair/makeup guy had to come out with a new belt or "her britches would fall down." She turned it into an amusing little dance while she strummed guitar and he circled her putting on the new belt. She said she was helpless, hapless (?) without him!
She also applauded her male fans, saying they were the best, because it took a lot of guts to admit they were Melissa Ethridge fans! She's gay if you don't know.
Of course she did "Come to my Window." When she travels she said people will ask her what she does, and she tells them she's an entertainer. They'll ask, "Do you play guitar?" Yes. "Do you sing?" Yes. Then she says, you know that window song?? OOhhh! They immediately know who she is!
She's got a new album coming out Sept. 4 and did a couple of songs off of it, one called "Falling Up," that was particularly good.
The rest of my week is pretty dull. Right now I have a massage scheduled for Thursday with Naomi again, still trying to get my back straightened out. I may also have an informational interview for a  job; keep your fingers crossed.
 No doctors until the last week of August. I'm going to have withdrawals! It's really scary to have the doctor's appointments thinning out. All normal, or so I hear.

Worse than childbirth

Now that it's over, I think I'm going to be extremely happy I made the decision I did. But I'm still extremely tired and sore from the TRAM-flap. If I had known how much pain I would be in I might have chickened out. I told Taylor I think I'd rather have given birth to him 10 times over.
The days leading up to the surgery were the calm before the storm. I was sore from the delay procedure, but when Laurie arrived for "first shift" as my nurse Saturday night, we had a little wine and visited, then the next day had brunch at the Book Bindery, followed by a ride on the Great Seattle Wheel on Pier 57, a new feature to the Emerald City.
I hardly slept. I was totally awake by 3 a.m. and just gave up. We were at the hospital right on time at 5:40 a.m. - O'dark hundred. Being early on the OR schedule, there was no waiting unlike with my mastectomy where I was in the holding area a grueling six hours. It was frightening moving along so quickly. When it was time to say goodbye to Laurie, I wasn't ready. This time while waiting to be conked out, I was regaling the anesthesiologist and staff with the story of my emergency appendectomy during the time I was going through chemo, then I was in recovery. Funny how they always shut me up!
I was in recovery for two hours. I couldn't feel the pain as I still had tons of drugs in me, plus a catheter, IV and three drains. Laurie finally got to see me when they took me to my room on the 11th floor, and she told me Dr. Isik said it went very well, but it took a little longer than expected because the tissue was harder than he anticipated. Ha! Pilates! It was 3 p.m.
I wasn't really hungry, so after awhile I had some jello and vanilla wafers. Laurie took off to go take care of sweet Abbey, and to have dinner with another friend of hers who was in Seattle visiting from New York. I was happy she had someone else to entertain her. Mira came to see me at 8 p.m. until 9 p.m. and we laughed and she and nurse Bonnie were marveling about how good I looked. Bonnie said most people have a gray pallor right out of surgery, and she was stunned that I had color in my face. Note: I HAD NOT slipped into any makeup! Anyway, Mira said the funniest thing - she said "surgery becomes you." I laughed until it was hurting and I had to quit!
One hour later all hell broke loose. All the big drugs must have worn off because I was in excruciating pain. It took Bonnie until 11:30 to get me comfortable. I was shaking, crying, wishing I'd just die.
I said to her, "how can I go home tomorrow? I can hardly move?"
She was a tough bird. She said by golly, I have patient's rights, and if I don't want to go home Tuesday I don't have to. I stayed.
Dr. Isik came in Tuesday morning and I told him I couldn't possibly go home and have Laurie dealing with this pile of mush that can't even move, and he was fine with that. They took my catheter out, which meant I was going to have to get up to go to the bathroom. It was so much effort. Then, I couldn't sit low enough to reach it, so they had to bring in a high-rise toilet. My first walk to the nurses station and back was total hell. I didn't think I'd make it. What had I done?
Much to my amazement, by Wednesday morning, not only was I able to go the regular toilet by myself, I could walk a short distance. Bonnie had gone home early in the morning, and I had another wonderful nurse, Megan most of Tuesday. But then dipshit Trang came back (I had her in the beginning) and I was getting pissed. She was the most inept nurse ever. Totally stupid. I had snapped at her more than once about making me wait for my pain medication. I said to her, "I don't think you realize how much pain I'm in - this is not make-believe." Then I waited an hour to get a diet Sierra Mist and chicken noodle soup (Campbell's sucky soup), and I was ready to get out of there. I was home by 3 p.m. and felt better already in my own digs. Abbey was thrilled to see me, but we had to be very careful to keep her from jumping on my belly. I think she understood something was up with mom - what, she wasn't sure, but she's been a really good girl.
All was pretty quiet for the next 48 hours. I slept a lot. Laurie was fine - she was confident enough to go here and there in her car, but she stayed close to home after I got out of the hospital. So, Thursday, Taryn arrived for shift number two. Both would stay that night. In advance I had gone to one of those places where you put dinners together in advance and freeze them, so I had a nice cod in I think some sort of lemon sauce, which they prepared along with a really good salad, and Taryn brought some awesome lemon bread from a bakery in Idaho.
Now, let me tell you, pain killers - any kind - have one really nasty side effect. Constipation. I had been taking a stool softener daily, but it was Thursday now, and I hadn't moved the earth since Sunday. I was miserable. When the girls ran out to the store, they got me some Milk of Magnesia, which the doc said was fine. I swigged a capful and was off to the bathroom. Once again I wanted to die. I didn't realize it, but I was in there an hour and 45 minutes screaming, moaning, begging for mercy while they held dinner. I know they were cracking up, but it wasn't funny. So, finally I yelled for whoever was brave enough to crack open the bathroom door and hand me my medical marijuana because it helps move things, too. Taryn dashes in and delivers the goods. In retrospect, it was hilarious. She came back again, for what I've forgotten, but she swears she got a second hand high. It's amazing the bathroom didn't explode.
Suffice it to say, I was exhausted, but I did enjoy my dinner. I was in bed not too much later. Then, I had a nightmare and woke up screaming and both of them came running into my bedroom. A few hours later, I thought Abbey was crying so everyone got up again. Lord, I have such wonderful friends.
Laurie left bright and early, so now Taryn had to deal with me on her own.
Taryn is a small town girl, so I was amazed when she said she'd come to the big city to take care of me. So, she didn't go anywhere except to walk Abbey for days! Let me digress for a moment to Abbey. She's so funny. At first, she wouldn't walk with Laurie. She'd plant her ass on the sidewalk and refuse to move. Momma wasn't there. But soon she realized if she wanted to be walked, she didn't have much of a choice. Taryn arrives. Same drill. She digs her heels in and won't budge. It was so funny - finally Taryn had to run to get her moving, then Abbey would go! I can only imagine what that looked like outside! I took her for a very short walk today, and she was very happy, although I walk at a snail's pace. So, now she needed to get ready for Colleen. If she wants a serious walk, I'm not there yet. She's so damn spoiled! It turned out, she walked just fine for Colleen, because I think she remembers Col, since she is down here a few times each year.
By Sunday, Taryn's dad, Carl, step-mom Shelley, and half-brother, Rick, were able to come and rescue her and take her to lunch and out and about a bit in West Seattle. They came in and visited with me on both ends. What a nice couple, and I had never met Rick, and he's a neat kid. He's 23 and was in a band, so I asked him if he was the rock star, and he looked at me sort of hesitantly, and shrugged and said, sure!
The next day, I was thrilled because I got my drains out! All three of them. The "C" drain, out the right side of my abdomen filled the most, but it was well below 30ml in a 24-hour period. So they were only in a week, compared to three weeks with my mastectomy drain, which I thought was interesting because this was a much more invasive procedure. With no icky stuff hanging out of me, Taryn and I were able to enjoy a nice dinner at a West Seattle place called Blackboard Bistro that evening. I was so happy to get out.
In addition to the obvious pain from my wounds, my back hurt like a mo-fo. I've had lower back problems anyway, but walking with a slight stoop from my belly hurting, made it worse. Much to my amazement, Naomi, the best massage therapist I've found here, makes house calls! She came with her table, to my home, and massaged the hell out of my back, relieving a great deal of pressure and pain. I plan to go to her again, soon. It really, really helped. By mid-week I was able to see Dr. Isik and he was thrilled with my progress. That was 10 days out. He took off the steri-strips, any remaining stitches and said he'd see me in a month! A month?! But as I write this none of my guts have fallen out!
Dr. Isik told me to keep paper tape over my abdominal incision 24/7, changing it when I showered, and it would greatly reduce scarring. Who knew? As far as the breast incisions, he said one positive to radiation, is that the tissue won't scar. Again, who knew. I feel like the bride of Frankenstein right now, but it will be awesome when I'm all healed.
When Taryn and I went to get my drains out, one of the nurses who had this procedure years ago, showed us her boobs and her belly and we were duly impressed! But it was so funny to suddenly be flashed by this woman we didn't know. We told Dr. Isik about it, and he smiled and said, "everybody has seen her boobs but me." He didn't do her surgery because this was before she knew him, so it was really funny!
Taryn rolled out Thursday, and Colleen arrived late that night from Anchorage. She got the easier shift because I'm able now to do more for myself, but I do get tired easily and I still sleep a lot. We did make it to a good vantage point Friday, to see the Blue Angels perform in day one of their Seafair performances, and as usual they were breathtaking. We totally lucked out finding a parking place, and then ending up at this same little spot I found two years ago. Saturday night we had dinner at the wonderful Book Bindery. I seem to take all my out of town guests there! It's so damn good! We shared a bottle of wine, which I hadn't done in a while, and boy, did I sleep that night, then had to take a nap and go to bed early the next night. Oh boy.
Hopefully I will have more strength in two days, as we have tickets to see Aerosmith at the Tacoma Dome. I plan to take a good nap in the afternoon! I figure I can do this - after all, I was at the U2 concert last year one week after the appendectomy! Rock-n-roll is always a priority!!!!

This was an easy one

Had the delay procedure this morning and I'm doing fine, albeit a little woozy from pain killers. This was done in the small OR at the Polyclinic where Dr. Isik has his practice. Next Monday I'll be in the "big house" as I like to call it, aka Swedish Hospital on Broadway where I had all my other surgeries.
It hurt when the anesthesiologist first started to push the night-night stuff into me, then I heard them saying my name, and it was over. My first though was, oh my God, I overslept and missed it!
I've got gauze and steri-strips over the two incisions. I can take the gauze off tomorrow. Jim is here and I'm just taking it easy.
This is funny - it's a beautiful day, so after I got up from a nap, we were sitting outside eating tuna sandwiches. My cute neighbor came by with her new baby, so I got up to coo over the baby. Well, Jim was too busy looking at the cute neighbor (she is adorable - slim little thing that doesn't even look like she just had a baby), and while he was gawking, Abbey made off with 1/2 his sandwich! Serves him right! Don't be too concerned; he was on his second sandwich. So, Abbey scored big time. Good dog!
Okay, I'm laying low, but just wanted to report that I lived.

I had a little pity party

I apologize to those who saw my Facebook post I put up briefly last  night, before taking it down. But it seems it still lived somewhere, because I had several responses. Scary pre-op appointment, and 3/4 of a bottle of wine among other things sent me into a major funk. I'm sorry.
I did see Dr. Beatty Monday, my original breast surgeon, and it was great to see him. He's so caring and supportive. He was very reassuring about the reconstructive surgery. He said I'm in excellent hands with Dr. Isik, and I will wake up, not to worry. Even after reconstruction, I may never have normal feeling in my left breast again, which is a bummer. I basically have no feeling there from nerve damage.
I'm not so worried about the delay procedure this coming Monday. It's going to be a breeze compared to the 23rd. It will just be a small incision, enough for Dr. Isik to ligate some blood vessels. But I'll be goofy all day from the drugs. The 23rd is a different story.
When I had my mastectomy, I had to deal with a drain for what seemed like forever. They sort of look like a hand grenade, and fill with God knows what that comes out of your body - fluid you don't want building up. My sister, Cheryle, knew how much I hated that thing, mainly because it hurt. Well, after this surgery I get the thrill of not one, but two drains, and this other device that will be hanging out of me so I can dose myself with pain med. I can't OD - it's designed to only allow you to dose once an hour. I do get to stay in the hospital a day or two, but I'll be coming home with all of this crap hanging out of me and it just upsets me so much. That and being under anesthesia for 6 hours.
So, I sort of lost it. But I'm better today after taking a nap, and basically not going anywhere. I did write a story today for my old employer, and I am getting paid out of their not so lucrative freelance budget.
The story is upsetting to me, too. It's a follow up about an aspiring figure skater, who has real potential. The kicker is - and this isn't in the story to save the girl from ridicule at school - her family has recently become homeless. She just won a competition in Everett and has serious Olympic aspirations. She is very good. But it just pisses me off, the situation. Her mom, who is a single mom, lost her job two years ago after 23 years with the same company and things are just unraveling.
Then, a dear friend of mine lost her job this week - another professional just like me. I am beginning to wonder what the hell is happening to this country. I don't want to get into politics here, but I'm having a hard time with the state of the economy and how it is ruining people's lives. I'm sure as hell not voting for Romney - he won't give a rat's ass about people like me, but I'm losing faith in Obama even though I admire him greatly.
Once I'm all better and over with all of my cancer treatments and surgeries, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have a real job again. The odds aren't good for folks my age. But I still continue to apply for jobs, even if no one responds, so I can continue to be honest in receiving my unemployment. Oh, yeah, and those rat bastards at the Department of Labor sent me a letter, which came yesterday, adding to my anger and frustration. They are going to audit me next week to be sure I really am looking for work.
Let me at them. I've got all the proof. Bastards.
So, I think freelancing and minding my investments are my best options right now, especially since I will require 4-6 weeks to recover from the surgery.
It's looking hopeful that NW Yachting is going to pick up my story on the Schooner Zodiac adventure, too, so I picked up a hard copy of the magazine yesterday at a local marina shop. It's sort of like a big tabloid, with lots and lots of ads for boats of all kind for sale. I'm intrigued now with the idea of just buying a boat I can live on, figuring out where to moor it, and write and be at peace someday. It doesn't seem like the normal "American dream" is going to happen to me, whatever that normal is. So, why not? I can sail away.

Calm before the storm

Actually, the weather was absolutely perfect today, and will be for the foreseeable future. It's interesting how 70 degrees feels like 100 in Seattle! Everyone is out walking, riding bikes, sunning themselves. It's glorious. I'm happy it's sunny because I'm getting nervous about my upcoming surgery. Gloomy weather right now would really put me in a funk.
I'm back from my wonderful San Juan Island wine cruise, and I am still working on the story. So much happened it's hard to get it all down. It was the best short vacation I've ever had. Depression set in almost immediately when I returned to the reality of my apartment and upcoming doctor's appointments.
It's hard to explain, but I felt like I had a family again on the boat. With only 12 crew and 18 passengers, in close quarters, you become pretty good pals. And since I haven't had a job in awhile, the fact that it was a learning and working cruise I felt like I had a purpose. I hate not feeling useful.
So, I'm not a bad-ass sailor - yet - but it sure was cool being a part of it. I won't go into the details here - when the story is done I'll link it to Facebook, but if you're not on Facebook it will be on WaveJourney.com for sure within a week or so.
I did have a wonderful little victory this week. I had an essay published in High Country News, a magazine in Colorado - and they are actually paying me! So, it's my first published, paid, magazine piece. I hesitate to talk about it too much because it's about my perspective as a mother whose son is fighting the firestorm in Colorado. Taylor rarely, if ever, reads my blog, so I am talking about it here - he doesn't like me talking about him, but if he does stumble upon it, I think he'd be pleased. It's at hcn.org under "Writers on the Range," and it's called "A Different Voice on the Phone."
I realized it was there as I was walking back to get my Herceptin treatment Tuesday, and my blood pressure shot up! It was kind of funny. My blood pressure is really good, by the way.
My white blood count is still low, and that's probably why I was so exhausted when I got back from the cruise. Well, that and the cook rang the breakfast bell at 7 a.m. and we were at it all day, either sailing or going onshore to taste wine, then drinking wine and eating into the night. Tough gig, right?! I even jammed on uke with two of the crew who brought their ukes! They were brothers, both in their 20s, seasoned sailors, little darlings.
So next week I see my original breast surgeon for a check up, then I have my pre-op with Dr. Isik the 11th. The first procedure, the delay, is July 16. My dear Jim, my friend forever in Tacoma, is going to take me to that appointment and bring me home, because they will knock me out. I don't have to stay in the hospital for that one. Then on the 21st, Laurie arrives for the first "nurse" shift. I've made a reservation for brunch at the Book Bindery (one of my faves) for Sunday, to show her my appreciation, and eat a nice meal in case I don't wake up from the big one on the 23rd!
I am exercising, cleaning, organizing, writing - just trying to accomplish as much as I can before I have to lay low. I did not gain any weight on the boat, because we were pretty active when we weren't eating or drinking! I dread being down for the count, but I look forward to the result and getting back to normal. Normal with scars. My friend Sarah says they will be scars I should be proud of. That's a tough one to grasp right now.

Fear, anxiety and hair

I had a haircut today. Pretty amazing, but it needed some shaping as it was getting sort of shaggy in places. I made an appointment for early August to shape it up again. It's encouraging how fast it's growing back.
I've had a rough couple of days. I got all the paperwork in the mail from the plastic surgeon, Dr. Isik, regarding my reconstruction, which is coming up fast. I read every word and sort of got freaked out. Of course this stuff always includes something to the effect that the worse case scenario is death. Super! (Note: sarcasm).
I go in four weeks from yesterday for the first procedure, which is done in office. This is the "delay" I talked about earlier. What it boils down to is cutting me open in the abdominal area and tying off blood vessels that are no larger than the point of a pen, to force more blood into the area. I just can't even imagine how the hell he does this. So, I'm under anesthesia for that one, and come home the same day.
Then on the 23rd, is the TRAM flap itself. I was of the impression that they actually remove the tissue from the belly and move it up to create the new breast, but I was wrong. That's the magic of it all; Dr. Isik will just kind of scoot it up, it being a vertical muscle and fat. Therefore, the blood supply is never disrupted. It's so amazing what they can do, but I'm getting freaked because it's a 6-hour operation, and again, anesthesia. I've never not woken up before, but you never know.
Adding to my anxiety is the fact that Taylor is now in Colorado to fight the wildfires there, since there's no action in Idaho. He's fine - I just talked to him today, and they are basically patrolling right now to check for smoke or new fires. I mean they are newbies, so I can't imagine they'll throw them into some sort of disco inferno. But it still makes me nervous. Oh shit, he just sent me a text - they just got dispatched. Sweet Jesus, keep my boy safe.
So, I have been very unproductive the past two days. I am seeing Dr. Isik Friday morning, just to talk, and get all my nitty-gritty questions I have hopefully answered. There's a lot of info in the packet they sent that I can't even begin to describe. You can Google Dr. Frank Isik and the TRAM flap if you want the medical details. It is fascinating.
Meantime, I did have a lovely barbecue Saturday night, with the usual suspects; Jim, Mira, Christina and her sweetie, Don. I invited more people, but it's always something I guess. Kind of hurt my feelings because I busted my ass to make everything perfect, and I won't be entertaining again anytime soon. But the five of us had a grand time!
Ukefest is this weekend; I'll be going to a concert, and participating in two workshops and a jam. then next Wednesday I'll drive up to Bellingham, spend the night there, then board the Schooner Zodiac for my 4-day San Juan Island Cruise on assignment for Wave Journey, which I'm really looking forward to. It will be a lovely break before all medical hell breaks loose again.

Sunshine!

Wow, the sun is out today and it feels so good! I had Herceptin today, and of course saw Dr. Kaplan. I did indeed try another estrogen blocker and quit taking it, too, after three days. Jesus, I had a nightmare I was in some huge house under lock and key because there were bad guys trying to get in. No one would tell me exactly what was going on, but it involved espionage. I credit that to the fact that I had recently finished the Millennium series of books.
Anyway, I was in my bedroom in this mansion, and I saw a shadowy figure in the window, and I'm not kidding, it was the Grim Reaper. Of course I couldn't scream, like it happens with so many people and bad dreams, but then when I did - it was out loud - and LOUD! The dog started barking, and I woke up just freaked out. No more estrogen blockers.
Dr. Kaplan understands. I told him I had horrendous PMS when I did have menses, and those damn pills made me feel like I have 24/7 PMS. It's okay. I've done everything else to stave off the cancer. So, all in all, I'm doing famously, and my reconstructive surgery is six weeks from today!! Can't wait to get a new boob!
All my girls are lined up now; Colleen made her reservations yesterday, so in order - I'll have Laurie, Taryn then Colleen coming to be my nurses. At the tail end of Colleen's stay, we're going to Aerosmith at the Tacoma Dome! Nothing can slow this girl down.
I'm feeling so hopeful, Lord knows why. I still haven't found a "real job," but with the advice, inspiration and support of a few other writer friends, I'm dipping my toe into serious freelancing. So, we'll see how it goes.
And I have big, great news! Love and smooches to my dear Jill and Viv, aka Wave Journey.com, a fabulous travel web site. They are leaving for Europe Friday and won't be back until August 10 (I know, brats!) A couple years ago they went on a sailing adventure on the Schooner Zodiac out of Bellingham, and wrote about it for Wave. They were invited to come back and write about an upcoming wine cruise through the San Juans (one of my favorite places!) and of course they can't go, because they'll be in Europe. So, they asked the first mate if another writer could come in their place, and guess who that is? ME! Yay! I'm so psyched! I will be a guest, for free, and write a story for Wave Journey. I'm also hoping to pitch it to perhaps a wine magazine or a Northwest Mag. Viv said the food is great, too. They feed us three nice meals a day, plus snacks and wine. I'll have a berth for accommodations, but Viv said it's private when I pull my little curtain. Hell, if there's a cute guy in another berth nearby....one can only hope! I'm so bad.
And, I will get to learn to sail. Guests take turns doing various jobs on the ship. Check it out at SchoonerZodiac.com. I'm just beside myself. So, I'll drive up to Bellingham the 27th, and we sail the 28th in the morning, returning Sunday, July 1. Surgery is July 23.
I'm having a barbecue this Saturday for my friends here, and I'm looking forward to it. I haven't had the energy to entertain for quite some time, so it's time.
The weekend of June 23 is Ukefest at Dusty Strings, and I'm excited about that, too. I am signed up for two workshops, and of course, Sunga's jam - she's my new teacher. Oh my God, I learned to do some "fancy picking" at my last lesson and I really get it! And I can do several chords without looking at my hands.
I feel alive again! That's it - as Pearl Jam sings "Oh, oh, oh, I'm still alive!" Eddie, take me away!!

Time is flying

I had a wonderful time on San Juan Island, with perfect weather. Little blessings do happen sometimes, yes? The Monday before Memorial Day Weekend, the nice folks at Lakedale Resort called me with a proposition. They had overbooked the resort, which includes not only the glamping sites, but cabins, a campground, RV sites and a beautiful lodge. Since I was traveling alone, they wanted to know if I'd give up my wonderful canvas cabin for a room in the lodge. At first I thought, yeah, but at what cost? I had already made the $200 deposit for my glamp site, so they said, how about what you've already paid, plus tax? Seriously, the lodge room they gave me normally is $279 a night, and it had a jetted tub, deck overlooking the lake, fireplace, wet bar with fridge and a wonderful bed. So, I was not glamping - I was in the lap of luxury!
The ferries were so full going over Saturday, I didn't get into Friday Harbor until 6 p.m. I went to a new place since last year, called Cask and Schooner, and had a wonderful dinner of risotto with scallops, and a couple glasses of wine. But as I thought about it, if I left Monday as planned, I'd have to be in the ferry holding area by just after 8 a.m. giving me only one full day on the island. So, I talked to the boys at the front desk, and yes, I could stay an extra night at the same price! I checked in with the Wiggle Room, where Miss Abbey was having her own little doggie weekend, and they said no problem, so I stayed until Tuesday morning and avoided the crowds. I'm so glad I did.
Sunday morning I went to town to Pelindaba Lavender, the store that sells all of the lavender products from the farm of the same name on the island. I love their stuff! I bought several gifts, and some lotion, tea, foot soak and what not for me! I hit it off with the very nice lady, Jacke, who was working there. She was very interested in my story as her dear friend has been dealing with cancer. We ended up having dinner together that night, and exchanged contact information. She grew up on the island, moved off for some time, and plans to stay now. Just a really neat person. We ate at a place called The Downrigger with a great view of the harbor, but just okay food.
Sunday afternoon was my great zip lining adventure, with Zip San Juan. At first I thought, oh Lord, what have I got myself into now, but I'm sold! I want to do it again - everywhere! It's so much fun, and such an adrenaline rush. This company has a 40-acre playground, with several lines in a pattern that brings you back to where you started.
They start with a baby run so you get used to the gear and how to steer (sort of). I never felt unsafe. Then you hike a little ways to the first one, which was pretty high. I stood there for a few minutes, sucked in some air, then sat down in my harness and off I went. It was great! You go through several runs, and each one is a little different; the last one is the longest, about 630 feet, and you fly over a pretty pond. The only part I didn't like was having to walk over one of those hanging bridges. You are still harnessed up, but it just freaked me out - I would have preferred just flying! So, I have another first under my belt!
I spent Monday exploring the two former military camps on the island and learning about the Pig War, which is a war that never really happened. It all started in 1859 because both the British and the United States claimed the San Juan Islands due to a boundary dispute. An American settler shot a boar that belonged to a British guy because it was foraging in his garden. Well, tensions rose, and soon both countries had established camps on opposite sides of the island prepared for war. But they eventually chilled out, in fact the two camps were socializing with each other before it all wound down in 1872.
Both former camps are now national parks and it's really a very interesting, weird piece of history, that largely was ignored because the Civil War was going on at the same time, so no one on the east coast even knew about it. A German arbitrator came in and as we know, the islands were granted to the U.S. Both camps were nice, but the English clearly had a more protected and scenic site. I ended up hiking quite a bit, so I was pooped. But I went back to Lakedale, rented a paddle boat for half an hour and paddled around the little lake, before taking a relaxing bath then going to dinner at The Place, another culinary delight. This time I had a black bean ravioli with large shrimp with cilantro and salsa - it was splendid. There, I met a nice couple from Seattle, Katherine and Mike, and had a nice conversation with them.
I got home Tuesday and had just a little time to get Abbey, clean up, and then meet my sister Cheryle, and my brother-in-law Jerry at a restaurant by the airport for an early dinner. They were heading back to Alaska after a long weekend with his sister and her husband in Shelton, across Puget Sound from me. It was so great to see them.
Today I'm feeling a little lost. I still haven't found any work, not even any calls. I am now concerned that I won't find anything because my surgery is now less than two months away. Who is going to hire me now if I have to tell them, "oh, by the way, I have to take two to three weeks off soon?"
Maybe this is God's way of making me take time to figure some things out. I have so much work to do on getting my head right again after all of this. I need to get to a point to where I'm okay with the lady in the mirror.
I'm reading a book that was recommended by both our group leader in my After Breast Cancer class and my therapist. It's called "Crucial Conversations." I hope to gain some wisdom from it.
I don't have much going on the next few days, so I guess I'll keep scoping out jobs and reading. The weather isn't the greatest today nor will it be tomorrow, so it's a good time to work on myself.
I continue to get physically stronger. I was surprised how well I did zip lining because you have to have your arms up holding on to the strap, so clearly my range of motion is getting better. And I went to Pilates this morning and it felt good.
Seattle is in mourning today, too, after a mentally ill man named Ian Stawicki went nuts and shot and killed five people yesterday before taking his own life. The shootings were in the University district, then downtown, but he ended up in West Seattle where the police cornered him and he shot himself. So awful. I could see the helicopters hovering over where they found him. It was surreal and sort of nerve wracking. What is wrong with this world? Crazy people shouldn't have guns.
I started taking the new estrogen blocker yesterday, and so far I feel okay. Time will tell if this one makes me feel bad. If that happens, Dr. Kaplan said to stop taking them and call him, which is exactly what I'll do.

Feeling pretty good

I don't know why - well, I think I do, but I feel a bit more at peace than I have for a long time. I've been off the estrogen blocker now for six weeks, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I still haven't found a job, but I continue to attempt to find something. I even went to one of those corny job fairs last week. They really aren't very stimulating but there were a couple places I thought I should check out.
Right now I'm sitting at the cancer center getting Herceptin. Dr. Kaplan gave me a new estrogen blocker to try out, but I won't start taking them until next week. I want to feel good this coming weekend, because I'm going glamping!
Yes, I'm going back up to my favorite place, canvas cabin #355 at Lakedale Resort on San Juan Island. I booked it for Memorial Day weekend because I thought for sure I'd be working by now, and I can't get my deposit back now, so what the hell. I can read, think, hang out, and I am having a great new adventure Sunday. I'm going to zip line! There's a new outfit up there called Zip San Juan, and it is getting great revues. I wanted to do this in Hawaii, but ran out of time and energy. So, one more thing to cross off the old bucket list! Where they do it, is really close to Lakedale, so they will pick me up in their van, and bring me back. Sweet. We'll be zipping among the huge trees there. I think it will be cool. They have all the safety equipment and what not, so I'm not the least bit nervous - yet!
The Black Keys concert was awesome, and my date was very nice, but then he had invited me for dinner the following Friday - and he forgot! He called me at 5:30 p.m. and wasn't really up to going out - he was tired. I couldn't believe it. I'd ironed a couple of different outfits not knowing where we were going. He said, well, I could come over there and he'd cook for me, but I took a rain check. I called him a few days later and told him I didn't think this was going to work. I need a companion who can keep up with me! I'm not ready to sit in the easy chair and watch Netflix for a date. I like to do stuff; seriously - I'm still recovering from cancer treatment, and I have more energy than a lot of these guys. I don't and won't do boring. I guess that's part of the reason I like younger guys, is because they do have energy, even though some of them are incredibly immature.
Like I said before, I learned in my last group, to take care of me. So, I'm going glamping alone, and that's okay.
I went to Miss Rose's ukulele jam yesterday in Fremont - I had a second lesson with her Friday. I felt much more confident, and held my own most of the time. So many folks in her jams are beginners, so really no one cares if you goof up. It's fun, but Lord my hand hurt by the end! I am really having fun with this.
I finally finished the "Millennium" series of books, ("Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," etc.) and my God, they were thrilling. I wish I could write fiction, but I just can't dream up characters like that. I would highly recommend these books to anyone who likes to read thrillers. Excellent.
Not much else to say. I am getting stronger and working out daily, getting my body ready for the next surgery July 23. I have my girls almost lined up to come take care of me. I need someone with me for sure for two weeks. I thank all of them in advance for being such wonderful and giving friends.

Surgery scheduled

Well this whole reconstruction thing is going to be another long ordeal. I go in a week before surgery for what they call "delay." This is to mess around with blood vessels in my abdominal area to increase the blood flow to the area so it's nice and supple. I will be knocked out, and will be sort of woozy for 24 hours. This procedure is because Dr. Isik will be using belly fat to construct my new left breast. It's really pretty clever - I get a tummy tuck, too! Then on July 23, I have the tram-flap. It's about a six hour surgery and I'll be in the hospital one or two nights. No kidding. I'll be toast for a good two weeks, and no strenuous exercise for eight weeks, which is going to suck. So, I'm really trying to get into fighting shape before this happens. I will have friends coming in shifts to care for me. This will be my hardest surgery yet. But I don't want an implant. I don't like the idea of a foreign "thing" in my body. Besides, most women reject them in 10-15 years. This way, it's made from my own tissue, so my body will not reject it.
There are three more in-office procedures after that, all about three months apart. They involve symmetry, and the creation of and tattooing of a nipple. I was pretty emotional because I didn't realize that I'm still in this for the long haul. So, one more year of my life will be sucked up by cancer crap.
Meantime, Barrie was here from Alaska, and we had a marvelous time! We had a wonderful lunch over the water at Defiance Point in Tacoma, for Jimmy's birthday, with her daughter, Jenny, and her friend, Maria who lives in Olympia. Barrie came back to Seattle with me, and we shopped, ate, drank wine, and just had a great time together. I still get tired from "too much" and I was a little pooped when she left Monday.
I had barely caught my breath, then it was Tuesday evening, and that meant the Black Keys concert at the Key Arena. My God, they are so incredible! The sound quality in the Key can be a bit iffy, and this time it worked for some reason. It was a fabulous show, with the guys performing most of the songs off the two most recent CDs, "Brothers," and "El Camino." I was with Mira and her friend, Juan, and I was on a first date with a very nice man named Dave. We all had dinner before the show. Dave said he had a really good time, and enjoyed the company. It looks like we're having dinner again tomorrow night. But I'm moving slow. I've suffered too many broken hearts in my life, and obviously I'm in a different head space now since the cancer. I've got to protect myself and do what makes me happy. I'm very independent - geez as of last month I've been on my own now for 10 years. I just don't want anyone to try too hard. It has to be natural. I am who I am. I don't expect anyone to change for me, but they damn well better understand me.
We finished up my ABC support group last night, and if I learned anything from that class, and I did, is that everything I've felt is completely normal. Now I have to figure out how to move forward in my "new normal." This includes taking care of me physically and mentally. I cannot and will not tolerate any outside bullshit.
Remember me mentioning Miss Rose and her band at the Pink Door a month ago? Well, I took an ukulele lesson from her yesterday! It was awesome! She's so cool, and sings so beautifully, too. I told her not to expect me to sing! Actually, when Barrie was here I drug her to my favorite dive/karaoke bar, and I did do one number - yes, Taryn - the infamous "You're So Vain!" Barrie about died! Some old cowboy coot grabbed her and made her dance with him while he sang a country tune. He was very good, and it was hilarious watching Barrie! Anyway, my old uke teacher, Scott, really did get me far, but he's really a guitar teacher, and there is a big difference. Miss Rose (Sunga) is having me learn some scales, and also she thinks I should cut my nails down. I'm sure she's right, but I'm not going to do it myself and flip Christina out (my friend and nail tech). I'll let her do it! But it will make it easier on certain chords where three or four fingers have to be in the same fret. So, I'm taking another lesson from Sunga next week, then on the 20th is her jam session at Dusty Strings. I'm psyched!
I'd be more psyched if I could find a job, but geez, this week some really, really interesting ones have popped up that I believe I would be excellent at. One is with Zillow, a real estate website, looking for an editorial writer. It's a contract gig, but could work into more. I mean, hello?! I was a real estate professional for 20 years and have been a journalist for 10 years! I told them in my cover letter, "I'm your girl!" Don't you think?

Feeling so much better.

Mentally and physically, I'm much better. I saw Dr. Kaplan yesterday for Herceptin, and he's giving me another three-week reprieve before we try another estrogen blocker. This one will be in a different "family," so hopefully I won't spin out. I couldn't take it again.
I always tear up when he and I have life and death conversations with him, which I usually initiate, but I have to know my odds. If I can tolerate another estrogen blocker, I increase my chances of the cancer not coming back by five percent. To me, that doesn't sound like a lot. But I'll give it a try in three weeks, but if nothing works without me feeling so dark again, I won't do it. I said to him, "you know that bumper sticker that says, 'I'm low on estrogen and I've got a gun?'" Well, that's how I felt. Only I wouldn't shoot somebody else. I'd shoot myself, and I don't really want to do that. Too messy! Hahaha! I know, sick.
I am very excited about tomorrow for many reasons. First, I finally get to see the plastic surgeon again about reconstructive surgery. I'm so anxious to hear what he has to say about when we can do it. I so desperately want to be "normal" again. I've waited months for this appointment.
Also, tomorrow, my friend Barrie, who I have known forever, and her daughter, Jenny, who I've known since she was a toddler, are flying in. Jenny is expecting her first child, so they are coming down from Anchorage to shop for baby furniture and what not.  I haven't seen Barrie since Jenny's wedding in the summer of 2010. Jenny was down last fall before she was pregnant. So, it will be so much fun to see them both. Barrie's staying here Thursday through Sunday; Jenny's staying at her friend's home in Olympia, but  we'll all get together.
Meantime, still no luck with the job hunt. I received yet another rejection e-mail today. It's beginning to feel like 2009 again. I had some other ideas, and Jacci, our group leader of the After Breast Cancer support group, encouraged me to think outside the box. So, I sent some e-mails regarding this idea, and not one has responded. It's terribly discouraging, but I am just trying to keep the faith.
Meantime, if you're a Facebook friend, you probably saw my photos from this past Sunday's "Beams and Dreams" sailing adventure. It was so much fun! I was alerted to it by Gilda's Club, and got in and was able to bring a guest, so I brought my crazy pal, Mira. We crack ourselves up - we both think we're so funny! Anyway, "Beams and Dreams" was the brainchild ten years ago of two brothers, then 12 and 13, as a way to give back. It's a free sailing adventure for cancer patients. Their parents were on the trip as ambassadors for their sons, who are now in college. These boys, at such a young age, sent out hundreds of inquiries to make this a reality, and hooked up with the Adventuress, a monster of a sailboat, built in 1913 as a whaling ship.
Now, the Adventuress is a non-profit, mostly used for teaching and research. But we got to help out raising the sails and what not; I can't remember all the terms, but Mira and I decided it was all about jibbing and jabbing, of course, cracking ourselves up! The crew was sooo nice. The captain was way cool - I told him he needed a parrot on his shoulder! Anyway, it wasn't real windy, but we eventually caught a breeze so they turned the engine off and we bobbed around Elliott Bay. It was lovely. Very good for my soul.
Next Tuesday night, Mira and I are going to the Black Keys concert at the Key Arena. Rock-n-roll! I'm so excited! They are so freaking good! I'm sure we'll have a blast. I've got my personal summer concert line up mapped out - in June I'm seeing the Broadway production of "American Idiot," at the Paramount - yes, it's a play, but scored by the rock band Green Day. I scheduled nothing for July, because that is when I suspect I'll have my surgery; but then in August I am seeing Melissa Ethridge as part of the Zoo concert series, then Aerosmith at the Tacoma Dome! I haven't seen either of them since the 90s - at the Spokane Arena. Melissa is a breast cancer survivor and one rockin' chick. Then, in September, I'm super excited about seeing Bonnie Raitt at Chateau Ste. Michelle winery. I have loved her to death since the 70s, and I haven't seen her since the 70s in Anchorage!! Her new CD is stunning.
So, the music keeps me going.
The online dating is pretty weird. I did have coffee with this one dude, and he talked about himself for the entire hour, then had to split. I could tell he wasn't interested, but I wasn't either. Good God, he's 60 and still has fucking roommates. Grow up dude. Then, there's the ones who get to chatting with you online, and then I finally realize they are only interested in a FWB. Ever heard that one? I hadn't until a year ago - it means friend with benefits. No thanks. Again, grow up.
My hair continues to amaze me. It's dark and curly! It was pretty much stick straight and blonde as a child, then it got more brownish-red, so I enhanced the red for years, now, it's dark, dark brown with amazingly little grey. I had to have it trimmed and shaped last Saturday because I was beginning to look like Little Richard back in his pompadour days! I was beginning to look like an eraser head!
I'll update soon regarding the next surgery. Peace out.

Out of the abyss

Things just kept getting worse with my mental state after my last post. I saw Dr. Dobie the day after my last post, and she mentioned she had also noticed a change in me since Dr. Kaplan put me on the estrogen blocker. Then, I had a grim reality to face Friday night, which I won't go in to here. Suffice it to say I realized someone I really cared for, really doesn't give a damn about me.

By Saturday I was back in the rabbit hole. Thinking about death. The sun was out, so by 4-ish I ventured out of the hole to the park with Abbey, and talked to the trees, God and Joni by phone. I felt better, but I still wasn't finding my joy.

Sunday I went to the Mariner's game. I had a great seat, good weather and they won. But I came home and cried. By Monday I called Dr. Kaplan and told him I thought the estrogen blocker was making me crazy. He said stop taking them and come see him in a couple of days, which I did. I've been off them now three days, and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I'm finding humor in weird shit again, (that's the real me), and enjoying my ukulele, even singing (don't ever ask me to sing in front of you) while playing, and marveling that I'm remembering several chords and don't have to look at my hands. I'm back.

The mammogram on my right breast came out a-okay. Nothing to worry about there. My other girl parts are fine, too - no sign of cervical cancer. I'm doing my Pilates and I am back up to 45 minutes on the elliptical at level 7. I've even lost a few pounds and moved my belt in one notch. The new support group is so good. Last night we got onto the subject of intimacy after cancer. It was hilarious. I felt like I was back in my fifth grade (or whenever it was) sex education class. Jacci uses those gigantic post-its to write stuff and sticks them on the wall, and one had these words; vibrator, masturbation, and something else in a row, and I said, God help the janitor; he's going to wonder what the hell went on in this conference room! It was so open and cleansing though. It's a tough issue with body image problems.

Anyway, before the Friday night incident that I won't go into, I went to The Pink Door with Sophia, my little young friend who goes to UW, to listen to Miss Rose and the Rhythm Percolators. Miss Rose is an awesome ukulele player and I loved her! I was in awe watching her hands, and she sings beautifully, too. Her uke was solid ash, a canoe paddle shape. I introduced myself, and told her I have a repertoire of four songs, period, and she said that was good! She leads the jams at "Dusty Strings," but the only time I went to that one, she had a substitute. I'll go to hers next month.

I actually got the courage up to try the online dating thing again, too. Not Match, Lord no. My friend Lisa, told me about a free one called OkayCupid, so I've already been "chatting" with a couple of guys. I might have coffee with one this weekend. He seems nice. Another one, a real hottie, obviously just wants to have sex, and I'm just too vulnerable for a casual hookup right now. My heart gets broken too easily. Men. Don't even get me started.

I didn't get the job in Bellevue. I keep looking. I'm not losing hope yet, and now that I'm off those awful drugs, I feel in control of my life again. I see Dr. Kaplan again on the 30th for Herceptin, and we'll re-visit the hormone thing again. He believes I need to be on some sort of estrogen blocker because of my positive ER/PR markers, but obviously that one wasn't the right one. I told him that when I did have menses, I suffered from horrid PMS (depression, couldn't think) and that's how I felt, so we've got to avoid that again. If nothing works, I just will go without the hormone treatment altogether. It's not an automatic death sentence, and I'd rather live with a clear head then think about how to off myself.

Unemployment sucks; anxiety almost paralyzing

It's been almost two weeks since I blogged and I still don't have a job. The interview with my old company, for the Bellevue position, went great, but they still haven't hired anyone. Go figure. I had a phone screen with one other company, which was basically a few general questions from a recruiter, but she said they'd filled the position but would keep me on file for an interview should another opening come up. Weird.

It's so frustrating. Not to mention scary. So, meantime the shrink decided to put me on Wellbutrin in addition to my anti-depressant I've been taking for years, which was a huge miscalculation on her part. I threw them out almost a week ago after I found myself seriously thinking about how to end my life. I went to a pretty dark place, looking on Google for example, on painless ways to do it. I'm quite sure the pills were part of the reason. I could never understand the warnings about some anti-depressants making people suicidal, but now I get it. I guess she thought it would help because I've been pretty low about the job situation, as well as a family matter that shook me to the core a week ago.

I'm in a new group now called "ABC," or life After Breast Cancer. I'm finding it to be much more helpful than my old group. We talked a great deal last week about what we need to get better. I need peace and not to have to deal with other people's shit right now. Our facilitator, Jacci, said that's perfectly fine. Even though I'm "cancer free," whatever that means, I'm not over all of this. I suppose it has changed me forever. I found myself drinking too much (alone at home) after the layoff, so now I don't even keep it in the house. I had two Mimosas on Easter, while sitting in the sun, and that's it this week. I also went to a different church than the one I have gone to previously here (not that I go very often), and I felt a real connection to the pastor. He was greeting everyone as we left, and I handed him a prayer card for his eyes only.

He e-mailed me, and we've been having an e-mail conversation. I haven't ever done anything like this. But I need faith right now, and it's slipping away. He's going out of town for a couple of weeks, but when he gets back, we're going to visit in person. I just have a good feeling about him. He's not some sleazy preacher. It's a Lutheran church, which is fine. I was baptized in the Presbyterian church, but I've always considered myself a "jack Presby!" Taylor was baptized in the Lutheran Church, where my deceased mother-in-law went to church. She was a sweetie.

This week I've had doctors up the ying-yang. Monday, I had my three-month follow up with my breast surgeon, Dr. Beatty. He said I'm healing well. I asked about the occasional shooting pain in my chest cavity, and he said it's normal - nerves reconnecting. I'm still basically numb throughout the left chest area, but my arm is getting back to normal.

I don't see the plastic surgeon about reconstruction until May 2, but Dr. Beatty thought, from what he saw, that I should be able to have reconstruction in July, which is kind of what I thought. I cannot wait. I know it will be another long healing process, but I hate the way I am now. I'm working out regularly, eating well, and starting to get real strength back so I can go into reconstruction healthy.

Also Monday I saw Dr. Kaplan and had Herceptin, no big deal anymore. Then yesterday I saw an ob-gyn for the first time in two years for the dreaded check of my other girl parts. Dr. Kaplan referred me to this gal, Dr. Pray. I loved her. Young, awesome chick. I'm sure I'm fine. My maternal grandmother died of cervical cancer (I never knew her), but Dr. Pray said cervical cancer is not hereditary. Whew!

I have my group in a little bit, then Friday I see the shrink again, and I have a mammogram on the remaining boob. I couldn't believe imaging, when they told Beatty's nurse I better have both sides done - I looked at her and told her to tell them there's nothing to "mamm" on that side. Idiots. They obviously hadn't read through all my health records. It's all there in Swedish's system.

I continue to attempt to play my ukulele; I even went to another jam Sunday afternoon with the Seattle Ukulele Players Association. It was fun, but I still struggle to keep up, and this group does a lot of Hawaiian stuff, which I don't know at all. It helps to at least have the song sort of in your head.

It was also very wonderful to spend last Thursday with an Alaska pal, Marilyn, who was in town for the day on a long layover. We sold real estate together back in the day. We went to the Gauguin exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum that's only here until the end of the month. It was first Thursday, so it was cheaper. It was a very good exhibit - works from his time in Polynesia, where both Marilyn and I have been. She's a lovely person.

I think I'll go to one of the Mariner's opening home games this weekend. It's supposed to be another nice weekend - last weekend was beautiful. It's supposed to be the warmest on Sunday, so I think I'll see about getting a ticket for that game. I love watching them live. And the cheap cable I have doesn't include ROOT sports, which is the channel that carries their games. I think that sucks that I live here and can't even watch them on TV. It's like when the Olympics were in Vancouver - what, 3 hours north at the most, and we couldn't watch any of the events live. I don't get these things.

If I don't get a job pretty soon, I'm thinking of running away for a few days to the San Juans. For peace.

Feeling a bit renewed

The trip to my old stomping grounds was good for my head. It was not without some drama - going over, although the weather was picture perfect, there was a snow slide just past Snoqualmie Pass, which delayed traffic for two hours. So I had to hustle to get to Rathdrum, Idaho, to meet with my financial advisor about Cobra and what not, and he waited for me, bless his heart. I didn't get there until 6 p.m., but we had a good meeting. I decided it would be wiser for me to pay the Cobra than go on any kind of state assistance and risk the government coming after my assets.

I got to Erica's at 8 p.m., totally exhausted, only to realize I left my green bag at home, with all my MEDS in it. I freaked. I could not believe I was that spacey. I called my pharmacy (QFC), which is a Kroger store like Fred Meyer, so I was able to get some pills I absolutely needed at the Coeur d'Alene Fred's, but it cost me $47. Meantime, darling Alex, who works in the office here at West Ridge Park, went into my apartment with my blessing, and sure as hell, the bag was on the floor in the bathroom. He shipped it off to me UPS, and it was to arrive the next day before noon. Well, some dipshit Saturday part-timer said there was no such address, so I didn't get it until Monday, the day before I came home. Poor Alex, he paid to send it to me out of his own pocket, $88. So, I went to the office yesterday, to pay him back, and he said, oh let's just wait, because he already had started battle with UPS, so hopefully they will refund the whole thing. Erica does live at a rural address, but she's not off the grid for heaven's sake!

After the first night fiasco however, it turned out to be a lovely time. I got to snuggle with Quinn a lot, Erica and Matt's adorable 2-year-old cutie pie. She's so sweet, and she was fascinated with Abbey and I. She loved all my sparkly jewelry and what not. Babies are so special.

And my baby, all of 21 now, is doing well. We had a lovely lunch the first day with Kody, his best friend from middle and high school, who is like a second son to me, and gossiped about their old high school gang. It was so much fun. That evening, Taryn, Erica and I had a girls night at the Oval Office, a yummy restaurant in Post Falls, and talked for hours. They gave me a little tough love, but I needed it. I love them both with all my heart. Working with them and the old gang at the Spokesman Review was one of the best job times of my life.

Then, the big party was Saturday night at Erica's. Neither of us slept well Friday night - Quinn had nightmares or something, and Abbey was driving me nuts snorting at me half the night. But we managed to pull it together and had a nice spread for folks to make paninis. I was so tickled - all the old Spokesman crew I worked with came, and one former colleague from the CdA Mess, who is now at the Spokesman. Jesse even brought his ukulele (he's very good) and we played some songs together and it was so nice. He was patient and encouraging for me, and everyone seemed to enjoy our efforts. Thanks Jesse - I really appreciate it! The party started at 4 p.m. and wound down about 11 p.m. And little Quinn, in her cute pink skirt and matching cowboy boots, partied like a rock star the whole time. She doesn't want to miss a lick!

Sunday, Taylor and skied half day at beautiful Schweitzer Mountain, just north of Sandpoint, Idaho. Oh my God, it was so gorgeous and hot! I had borrowed some long underwear from him - big mistake. I thought I was roasting to death. Fabulous! Great snow, good time - except he always kills me on the first run. He forgets I'm 34 years older than him, and recovering still from cancer torture. But we got in four good runs, and my legs were getting rubbery, so I figured it was best to quit before I hurt myself.

After skiing, we stopped in Sandpoint - I forgot how totally groovy that town is. Taylor wanted to show me a rock store he loved, and holy crap, it was fantastic! Every imaginable rock you can think of including a huge natural crystal brought from Brazil with rose quartz in the center. Seriously, you can't even get your arms around it.

Monday was divided into visiting three different friends; first, lunch with an old high school pal, Claire, who moved to Coeur d'Alene after I left. So that was wonderful. Then, coffee with my friend Penny, and more coffee with another old pal from the CdA mess (who no longer works there) who also has a new baby I got to hold. It's like babies energize me. They have their whole lives ahead of them. I just hope it's a better world for them.

Meantime, of all the ironic things that can happen, I have a job "interview" tomorrow with - my old employer, Sound Publishing; yep, the same ones who laid me off. A gal quit, but I have to go through the formalities again. The bummer is I'd be in the Bellevue office, and I really don't like Bellevue. It's too stiff. Seattle is hip, where Bellevue seems plastic. But I'd be the assistant editor of "Scene," their A&E mag, which is right up my alley, amongst other things. So, we'll see.

Meantime, Taylor had his big interview with the Department of Lands in Idaho today, to fight wildfires this summer, and he said it went well. God I hope he gets it.

I went to a lecture tonight at Gilda's Club about our toxic environment and how it could be affecting our health and lives. It was pretty good. Stay the hell away from all pesticides, tobacco, and watch labels. If a product has the words "danger," or "poison," do not buy it! Also, get this, PVC, like in many home pipes, is a killer too. It was funny, because the speaker had a bag of props, and he pulled out one of those long plastic guitar shaped vessels they serve crappy margaritas in at the Gorge, and said they are entirely made from PVC. As soon as he took it out of his bag, I was like, oh my God, the Gorge margarita vessels! Everyone laughed because I immediately recognized it. I told them the margaritas taste like shit, too! So, there it is. The margarita in the PVC guitar shaped container is why I got cancer. Maybe!

So, I'm getting a good deal of exercise, have dropped a few pounds and feel pretty good, just tired right now. I'm excited because my friend Christina and I are going to a special concert by the Seattle Men's Choir Saturday night, called "Come Together," where, for the first time, they will perform all Beatles songs. Can't wait.They are so fantastic. We're having dinner first at The Melting Pot, which is always fun - it's a fondue place.

I've applied for 11 jobs total now, not including tomorrows interview with my old employer. I will continue to hold out hope for an improved life. Only one doctor's appointment next week - yay!