I've had nine treatments now, and I am beginning to feel a bit fatigued, but not nearly as bad as it was with the second round of chemo. It's fast, and the technicians are wonderful. I go in the morning before work. I saw Dr. Kaplan this past week for the first time in about 5 weeks, and I told him I quit taking the Lapatinib, and he was okay with it. It's not life and death that I take it. It is an awful pill, and I just don't want to feel chemo-ish again. The radiation and Herceptin are good enough insurance that I don't get the cancer back. It was so good to see him. I was so used to seeing him every single week. He's still my main doc, and I feel safe with him, as well as hopeful.
Christmas with Taylor was very nice; not too much drama, thank God. I love him so much. I worry about him every single day and probably always will. No matter how old they get, you can't stop being mom. We had a lovely dinner out Christmas Eve, then I cooked a free-range turkey on Christmas. I didn't gain any weight over the holidays or the trip, and I hope to lose 10 pounds sooner than later. One of many goals for 2012, which I pray to the good Lord is a better year for me. I've had enough, right?
I had a very weird experience last night, which still has me upset. Well, actually the weirdness started when I had a terrible nightmare Thursday night, well actually Friday morning just before I woke up. I dreamt I'd been abducted and raped by these horrible people who were very dark beings. I was all cut up and bleeding. It was horrible. I shook it off, went to radiation and to work.
So, after work, I went to a champagne tasting at the nice little wine shop, Bin 41, in West Seattle, which was fine. It was early, so I decided to get something to eat, since I've been eating turkey all week! I went to a very casual yet nice little place called West 5 because they make good fish tacos. It was still happy hour, so it was packed, but there was one space at the bar, so I took it. To my right was this guy, I gathered was named Scott because the bartender knew him by name.
So, he says to me, "why are you so cautious?" I didn't realize I was acting cautious, but this immediately put me on guard. He asked me what my malady was. I looked at him and asked him what made him think I had a malady. He said he sensed it. So I told him I was a recent cancer survivor, still in treatment. Turns out he was a liver cancer survivor. Okay, good. But it got increasingly weird and uncomfortable. Apparently he is a regular there, but they said he's not usually like that....dropping the f-bomb a lot, and telling me that most human beings are expendable, that the world is in an awful place, and I wasn't voting for that fucking Obama was I? The bartender told him to please not discuss politics or religion, which I appreciated. Then he starts in on Roman Catholics, and I told him to stop, as I have good friends who are Catholic. He shut up while I ate, but I was so uncomfortable. Then he starts back in, eventually telling me I would most likely die before him. At that point the manager asked me if I was okay, and I said no. They ran him off finally, and comped my drink. I was totally unnerved, waiting until I was sure he was long gone, and beelining it for my car, locking as soon as I got in. They said he's "a little off" - you think? and that he'd had too much to drink. Nonetheless, that's the first time I've ever felt threatened since I moved here. I came home and fell apart, especially when I drove up to the house and there were two raccoons staring at me. I just looked at them like, fuck off, and they ran. The whole thing was a nightmare. A fitting end to a scary year I guess.
I have no big plans for tonight, just a movie. I want to go skiing half day tomorrow. I haven't gone yet this year for lack of snow and time. I think I'm strong enough. I've been to Pilates six times now with my new teacher, and I feel stronger already. She's fabulous.
Everyone be safe tonight, and stay away from weirdos who tell you that you're going to die! That son-of-a-bitch has no idea who I am.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Radiation starts tomorrow
I'm back from Kauai, and hit the ground running. I had to get all caught up on mail, laundry, and get a tree up, which I accomplished yesterday. It's darling; smaller than usual because I just didn't want to fight with a big tree, but it's about four feet, a very full and symmetrical Noble Spruce. I like it.
The trip was too short. Geez, for a small island there's a lot to see! The helicopter tour the first day was money well spent. We got an overview of the entire island, which included the stunning Napali Coast, which you really can't see like that other than from a boat. We had such a good pilot. It was a little windy, but we never bounced around at all. We flew up Waimea Canyon (the Grand Canyon of the Pacific) up the Napali Coast, very close to a volcano crater - everywhere. It was spectacular, and we never would have made it all by car or foot in five days.
I really scored on the condo. It was a Living Social deal; we were supposed to have a two-bedroom, two-bath partial ocean view. Well, it was three-bedrooms, three-baths, corner unit with a wrap-around deck, top floor, full on ocean view. They are really new, and very luxuriously appointed with nice furniture, granite counter tops everywhere, A/C, flat screen TVs in each bedroom and the living room, full laundry, AND we had housekeeping service. My bedroom (I took the master suite) had a bath of my dreams. Huge tub, huge walk-in shower, two separate vanities, walk-in closet, and a safe. I loved it. It's called Koloa Landing at Poipu Beach and it is a Wyndham Resort. They are for sale, too, but holy crap, the two-bedrooms start at $925,000 and the condo dues - brace yourself - are $1,400 a month! Geez, that's more than I pay in rent! But I got this palace for $220 a night and Col and I split it. At least I had five days living in the lap of luxury!
The other high point was my kayak/hike adventure. Because of my weak left side I was worried when I started to paddle, but actually it got better, and I am much stronger now, and feel more mobility coming back. It was 2.5 miles each way, then a mile hike to "Secret Falls." The hike actually was the painful part! The trail was very slippery and muddy from the rains, so I had to tread very carefully. In addition, there were roots everywhere to navigate around. Once we got to the falls, they were spectacular. By the time we hiked back to the kayaks, it was clear my right knee was hurting. It still hurts a little, but I went to Pilates yesterday morning and did some stuff that helped. But, I didn't fall in the mud! However, my shoes and legs were covered in mud. For those who think I never get dirty, you would have been so proud! I was happy I challenged myself and I made it.
So, we ate, drank, shopped, chilled by the pool and went to the beach one day. The weather was sort of on and off, but it was fine. Just to be somewhere else was great. And to be with my dear friend, Colleen. We had great fun the first night with Linell. She made the flight over a real treat, too. She was working first class, but would slip back to coach, bringing us champagne, then mai-tai's! We also got our food free. Thanks Nellie!
Anyway, back to reality; radiation starts tomorrow. I'm sort of nervous, but I know it won't be as bad as chemo. It's just going to be a pain in the ass because I have to go everyday. After that, it will just be the Herceptin every three weeks until September 2012. And of course, reconstruction next summer sometime.
I still worry about the cancer coming back. I guess this is normal. The death of my friend in my support group has me thinking more about death, too. I know I'll die one day, but I'm not ready yet.
In keeping the spirit of moving forward and learning new things, I forgot to mention, I bought a ukulele in Kauai! I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I thought, what better place to get one. I got it at a little place called Kamoa Ukuleles in old Koloa town. The owner designs all of them himself, but the demand has been so great, he's having them made on the mainland now. His mom, Gigi, waited on me, and she was wonderful! They are shipping it, so I don't have it yet, but it's what they call a pineapple shape, made of mahogany. It's a starter uke, not terribly expensive, but I'm so excited! I think I can do this! I learned a few chords just standing there with Gigi. I'm having my nails done tomorrow after work, and they are going to have to be cut shorter for this to work. But it's okay. That is one of my goals for 2012 - learn to play the uke, get well, and a few other gems.
Merry Christmas!
The trip was too short. Geez, for a small island there's a lot to see! The helicopter tour the first day was money well spent. We got an overview of the entire island, which included the stunning Napali Coast, which you really can't see like that other than from a boat. We had such a good pilot. It was a little windy, but we never bounced around at all. We flew up Waimea Canyon (the Grand Canyon of the Pacific) up the Napali Coast, very close to a volcano crater - everywhere. It was spectacular, and we never would have made it all by car or foot in five days.
I really scored on the condo. It was a Living Social deal; we were supposed to have a two-bedroom, two-bath partial ocean view. Well, it was three-bedrooms, three-baths, corner unit with a wrap-around deck, top floor, full on ocean view. They are really new, and very luxuriously appointed with nice furniture, granite counter tops everywhere, A/C, flat screen TVs in each bedroom and the living room, full laundry, AND we had housekeeping service. My bedroom (I took the master suite) had a bath of my dreams. Huge tub, huge walk-in shower, two separate vanities, walk-in closet, and a safe. I loved it. It's called Koloa Landing at Poipu Beach and it is a Wyndham Resort. They are for sale, too, but holy crap, the two-bedrooms start at $925,000 and the condo dues - brace yourself - are $1,400 a month! Geez, that's more than I pay in rent! But I got this palace for $220 a night and Col and I split it. At least I had five days living in the lap of luxury!
The other high point was my kayak/hike adventure. Because of my weak left side I was worried when I started to paddle, but actually it got better, and I am much stronger now, and feel more mobility coming back. It was 2.5 miles each way, then a mile hike to "Secret Falls." The hike actually was the painful part! The trail was very slippery and muddy from the rains, so I had to tread very carefully. In addition, there were roots everywhere to navigate around. Once we got to the falls, they were spectacular. By the time we hiked back to the kayaks, it was clear my right knee was hurting. It still hurts a little, but I went to Pilates yesterday morning and did some stuff that helped. But, I didn't fall in the mud! However, my shoes and legs were covered in mud. For those who think I never get dirty, you would have been so proud! I was happy I challenged myself and I made it.
So, we ate, drank, shopped, chilled by the pool and went to the beach one day. The weather was sort of on and off, but it was fine. Just to be somewhere else was great. And to be with my dear friend, Colleen. We had great fun the first night with Linell. She made the flight over a real treat, too. She was working first class, but would slip back to coach, bringing us champagne, then mai-tai's! We also got our food free. Thanks Nellie!
Anyway, back to reality; radiation starts tomorrow. I'm sort of nervous, but I know it won't be as bad as chemo. It's just going to be a pain in the ass because I have to go everyday. After that, it will just be the Herceptin every three weeks until September 2012. And of course, reconstruction next summer sometime.
I still worry about the cancer coming back. I guess this is normal. The death of my friend in my support group has me thinking more about death, too. I know I'll die one day, but I'm not ready yet.
In keeping the spirit of moving forward and learning new things, I forgot to mention, I bought a ukulele in Kauai! I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I thought, what better place to get one. I got it at a little place called Kamoa Ukuleles in old Koloa town. The owner designs all of them himself, but the demand has been so great, he's having them made on the mainland now. His mom, Gigi, waited on me, and she was wonderful! They are shipping it, so I don't have it yet, but it's what they call a pineapple shape, made of mahogany. It's a starter uke, not terribly expensive, but I'm so excited! I think I can do this! I learned a few chords just standing there with Gigi. I'm having my nails done tomorrow after work, and they are going to have to be cut shorter for this to work. But it's okay. That is one of my goals for 2012 - learn to play the uke, get well, and a few other gems.
Merry Christmas!
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Trying to pace myself
Thanksgiving came and went, and I've been going full tilt at Christmas stuff, but I had to slow it down a bit today because I felt like I was coming down with a cold yesterday. I do feel better. I just got back from the movie "The Descendants," and it is breathtaking. It's sad, and funny. It really got me excited though about Kauai, because part of it was filmed there, and I'll be there in a week! I can't even believe it. It's been so long since I've seen a warm, sunny beach.
I need this break. It's been a rough couple of weeks in a way. Dr. Kaplan put me on Lapatinib, a pill that works in concert with my Herceptin infusions to keep the cancer from coming back. I couldn't take them. I stopped. I see him Wednesday before I have Herceptin, and I am sure he won't be pleased that I quit taking them, but the side effects were too unpleasant. They were making me feel bad about myself again. I start radiation Dec. 19, which will be every damn day until Feb. 1, and if that's not enough "insurance" with the Herceptin, well, I don't know. I just don't like the pills. When I don't feel good, I look in the mirror and hate what I see, and I just can't do that to myself anymore.
Tuesday I received an e-mail with news on one of the members of my support group. It wasn't good. She was in the hospital, and her husband didn't think she'd be coming home as they had her on palliative care. She died Wednesday at 4 p.m. I am still so upset by this. She's 15 years younger than me, with two little kids. She had stage 4 breast cancer, which had metastasized to her liver. They removed the part of her liver that had cancer, and she seemed to be doing okay the last time I saw her. I feel awful because that was over a month ago. I hadn't been making it to group either because of work, or just too tired right after my surgery. But the last time I saw her, she gave me a hug. I am so confused. I don't understand how God could take a young woman with two children and a husband, and not me instead. These are things I don't understand. I will be at group Tuesday night, and I'm sure we'll all cry our eyes out. I already have over her, and those kids. I mean, how do you tell a 3-year-old that mommy's dead?
I soldier on. My Christmas shopping is done, I have my outdoor lights up and some decorations inside. I will put up a small tree when I return from Hawaii. I don't have it in me to put up the big mother. But my Taylor is coming for Christmas, so I will put a tree up of some sort. He's still my baby, and I can't wait to see him. I will only have had one week of radiation by Christmas, so maybe I'll be able to ski with him.
I am getting stronger every day, and we plan to kayak the Wailua River one day in Kauai. I need some upper body movement. I did start back at Pilates, and am easing into it. We've also got a helicopter tour booked, to fly over the whole island, specifically the Napali Coast and the Waimea Canyon. I don't have enough strength yet, or time, to hike to these mothers. But we'll do some shorter hikes.
So, if you're a Facebook friend, too, I'll post photos from Kauai, since I finally stepped into the 21st century and got an iPhone. I'm getting the hang of it; I'm not exactly a tech queen!
And, I promise, to just relax and enjoy warmth, sun, and peace.
I need this break. It's been a rough couple of weeks in a way. Dr. Kaplan put me on Lapatinib, a pill that works in concert with my Herceptin infusions to keep the cancer from coming back. I couldn't take them. I stopped. I see him Wednesday before I have Herceptin, and I am sure he won't be pleased that I quit taking them, but the side effects were too unpleasant. They were making me feel bad about myself again. I start radiation Dec. 19, which will be every damn day until Feb. 1, and if that's not enough "insurance" with the Herceptin, well, I don't know. I just don't like the pills. When I don't feel good, I look in the mirror and hate what I see, and I just can't do that to myself anymore.
Tuesday I received an e-mail with news on one of the members of my support group. It wasn't good. She was in the hospital, and her husband didn't think she'd be coming home as they had her on palliative care. She died Wednesday at 4 p.m. I am still so upset by this. She's 15 years younger than me, with two little kids. She had stage 4 breast cancer, which had metastasized to her liver. They removed the part of her liver that had cancer, and she seemed to be doing okay the last time I saw her. I feel awful because that was over a month ago. I hadn't been making it to group either because of work, or just too tired right after my surgery. But the last time I saw her, she gave me a hug. I am so confused. I don't understand how God could take a young woman with two children and a husband, and not me instead. These are things I don't understand. I will be at group Tuesday night, and I'm sure we'll all cry our eyes out. I already have over her, and those kids. I mean, how do you tell a 3-year-old that mommy's dead?
I soldier on. My Christmas shopping is done, I have my outdoor lights up and some decorations inside. I will put up a small tree when I return from Hawaii. I don't have it in me to put up the big mother. But my Taylor is coming for Christmas, so I will put a tree up of some sort. He's still my baby, and I can't wait to see him. I will only have had one week of radiation by Christmas, so maybe I'll be able to ski with him.
I am getting stronger every day, and we plan to kayak the Wailua River one day in Kauai. I need some upper body movement. I did start back at Pilates, and am easing into it. We've also got a helicopter tour booked, to fly over the whole island, specifically the Napali Coast and the Waimea Canyon. I don't have enough strength yet, or time, to hike to these mothers. But we'll do some shorter hikes.
So, if you're a Facebook friend, too, I'll post photos from Kauai, since I finally stepped into the 21st century and got an iPhone. I'm getting the hang of it; I'm not exactly a tech queen!
And, I promise, to just relax and enjoy warmth, sun, and peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
