In my last post, I said I'd hit the wall with radiation. No, now I have. I'm so miserable, not that anyone really gets it or cares. Maybe I am having a pity party, but I guess this blog is growing old on folks, because only a couple of people commented last time.
But, as my shrink pointed out to me today, while I cried buckets of tears, which I've been doing now on and off for four days, radiation is still cancer treatment. Sure, I'm not losing my hair or toenails, or puking, but my tissue is getting bomb blasted, and it's sore, red and awful. And the fatigue has become worse. Pile on top of that the worse cold I've had in I don't know how long, and it's hard to be happy and normal.
I've had 23 treatments. Next Tuesday I will know if that's the end, or I might have two more. At any rate, this will end next week. Then I just have the herceptin every three weeks, which is nothing in the relative scheme of things.
It will be one year, this Thursday, since I heard the words, "you have cancer." It's been a whirlwind. Did this really happen to me?
I came home today after the docs. I needed to rest. I've got to stop feeling guilty about missing work she says. Actually I do a pretty damn good job. I spent four hours Sunday at a retreat of the Mercer Island School District's board of directors that was supposed to be last Thursday, but was canceled because of all this crazy weather over here. Wrote a hell of a story and my competition wasn't there. I don't totally suck.
The uke lessons are progressing. I get frustrated because I can't move my fingers fast enough between chords, but again, I need to quit beating myself up my shrink says. After all, I've only had three lessons. But it's the story of my life. I'm never good enough. I always "placed" outside the money, if you will. Sixth place doesn't win the trophy. It's a long story. I just want to be better at everything.
And then there was the memorial Saturday for C, the sweet woman who died, who was in my support group. The sun came out and was shining brightly through the beautiful windows of her church, the Unitarian Church here in West Seattle. It was her. I was overcome with grief seeing her husband and little kids. There were so many people there, who obviously loved her so much. I only knew her a short time, but I can't get over it. This shit does kill people. She was so smart - really the only one I related to in group. Her husband wrote a song about her, before she got sick, and they played a recording of him singing and playing guitar to it. He's very good, and it just broke my heart. Then, at the end, a slide show of her life was set to the song "Say Hello to Heaven," by Temple of the Dog, and I couldn't help but smile. Such a beautiful rock song, so cool. I told my son to add that to my song list for my memorial some day.
I hope it's not anytime soon, but we're all so vulnerable, and really so alone.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
15 down, 11 to go.
Radiation is getting old. Every freaking day is exhausting. I hit the wall earlier this week. I was so tired I was in tears. Suffice it to say I'm going to bed earlier whenever possible. Two nights this week I had meetings to cover, including last night, which was a doozy, so I'm toast today. Thank God it's the weekend.
I saw my psychiatric oncologist for the first time in about a month yesterday. We had a good talk. It's amazing how she knows what I'm feeling. She reminded me that even though I am cancer free and done with chemo months ago, radiation is no easy task either, and that I am indeed still in treatment, so to be kind to myself. She completely understood when I told her this past year (it's been almost a year since my diagnosis) seems surreal - it's like it happened to somebody else. I had cancer? Weird.
It's going to be a long time before I'm "back." She reminded me that it's okay to lower my expectations of myself, which I tend to place fairly high. If I can't complete all the goals I've set for this year, it's okay she said. But I'm sure going to try.
My first ukulele lesson with my teacher was brilliant. He's very nice, young (30), cute (sigh), and patient! But I've been practicing the exercises he gave me and some of the chords and I am totally comfortable with it and can't wait to learn more tomorrow. I've also been scouting out places this week. I want to move when my lease is up at the end of June. I want my own place. It will be ten years this April since I was officially divorced, and ten years since I was a homeowner. I'm sick of renting. I owned a home from the time I was 21 until 10 years ago. I want my own place. I talked to a lender, and he thinks I can get a loan since I've been on my job over a year now, in my given profession. The trouble is my limited hours in 2011 due to cancer treatment, but he said with proper documentation I should be okay. The important thing is that I do have 40 hours a week available to me, I just couldn't work them due to spending so much time at the cancer center getting treatments.
If I move by the end of June, and get settled in it would be perfect, because I'll probably have my reconstructive surgery shortly after that. That would be nice to recover in my own place.
I have scoped out a few places I will want to see, and I'm hopeful. I'm looking for a townhouse or condo, and I want to stay in West Seattle.
I also talked to my shrink about my support group. I think I need a different group. Ever since the one gal died, it's not the same for me. She also had breast cancer, had kids, I could relate to her. No one else in group has or had kids, and they all (for the most part) have some sort of blood cancer. And they're depressing me. Too much talk of death, while I'm talking about moving forward. I almost feel silly trying to be positive. I've also talked to our group facilitator about it, and she said what my shrink says, and that is if I'm not benefiting from it, then I shouldn't go. One gal in particular is just wearing on me. She's been cancer free now for over a year, but is so damn depressing - constantly whining about everything from her job, to the death of her partner five years ago, to how she almost died. It's just too much.
There's a group starting up at Swedish in March for breast cancer survivors and I think that will be better suited for me. Dr. Dobie said they take on issues about reconstruction, intimacy - all the stuff I'm worried about.
The memorial for our group friend that died is a week from tomorrow, and I'm sure most of the group will be there. I will let the ones I want to know, that I am choosing to move on to a group more suited for my needs.
Sunday I'm going to the Broadway touring production of "West Side Story" at the beautiful Paramount Theatre. I'm so excited! My co-worker, Meghan, saw it last night and loved it. Did you know it hasn't been on stage in 30 years? They've reworked it and some of the songs are sung in Spanish now. And Meghan said the last number is way edgier than in the movie. I'm going with a friend, and I'm so excited!
Anyway, I'm over half way now on the nuking!
I saw my psychiatric oncologist for the first time in about a month yesterday. We had a good talk. It's amazing how she knows what I'm feeling. She reminded me that even though I am cancer free and done with chemo months ago, radiation is no easy task either, and that I am indeed still in treatment, so to be kind to myself. She completely understood when I told her this past year (it's been almost a year since my diagnosis) seems surreal - it's like it happened to somebody else. I had cancer? Weird.
It's going to be a long time before I'm "back." She reminded me that it's okay to lower my expectations of myself, which I tend to place fairly high. If I can't complete all the goals I've set for this year, it's okay she said. But I'm sure going to try.
My first ukulele lesson with my teacher was brilliant. He's very nice, young (30), cute (sigh), and patient! But I've been practicing the exercises he gave me and some of the chords and I am totally comfortable with it and can't wait to learn more tomorrow. I've also been scouting out places this week. I want to move when my lease is up at the end of June. I want my own place. It will be ten years this April since I was officially divorced, and ten years since I was a homeowner. I'm sick of renting. I owned a home from the time I was 21 until 10 years ago. I want my own place. I talked to a lender, and he thinks I can get a loan since I've been on my job over a year now, in my given profession. The trouble is my limited hours in 2011 due to cancer treatment, but he said with proper documentation I should be okay. The important thing is that I do have 40 hours a week available to me, I just couldn't work them due to spending so much time at the cancer center getting treatments.
If I move by the end of June, and get settled in it would be perfect, because I'll probably have my reconstructive surgery shortly after that. That would be nice to recover in my own place.
I have scoped out a few places I will want to see, and I'm hopeful. I'm looking for a townhouse or condo, and I want to stay in West Seattle.
I also talked to my shrink about my support group. I think I need a different group. Ever since the one gal died, it's not the same for me. She also had breast cancer, had kids, I could relate to her. No one else in group has or had kids, and they all (for the most part) have some sort of blood cancer. And they're depressing me. Too much talk of death, while I'm talking about moving forward. I almost feel silly trying to be positive. I've also talked to our group facilitator about it, and she said what my shrink says, and that is if I'm not benefiting from it, then I shouldn't go. One gal in particular is just wearing on me. She's been cancer free now for over a year, but is so damn depressing - constantly whining about everything from her job, to the death of her partner five years ago, to how she almost died. It's just too much.
There's a group starting up at Swedish in March for breast cancer survivors and I think that will be better suited for me. Dr. Dobie said they take on issues about reconstruction, intimacy - all the stuff I'm worried about.
The memorial for our group friend that died is a week from tomorrow, and I'm sure most of the group will be there. I will let the ones I want to know, that I am choosing to move on to a group more suited for my needs.
Sunday I'm going to the Broadway touring production of "West Side Story" at the beautiful Paramount Theatre. I'm so excited! My co-worker, Meghan, saw it last night and loved it. Did you know it hasn't been on stage in 30 years? They've reworked it and some of the songs are sung in Spanish now. And Meghan said the last number is way edgier than in the movie. I'm going with a friend, and I'm so excited!
Anyway, I'm over half way now on the nuking!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Radiation fatigue setting in
I'm tired. In fact when I get done here, I have to go lay down. My skin isn't burned, but the feeling of tightness is definitely exacerbated. Imagine how the skin of a drum is stretched over the frame. That's how my left side feels. I've had 12 sessions now, with 18 to go.
I did go skiing on New Year's Day, and it was lovely. My goal was six runs and I did it. It was a pretty mellow intermediate run, but it felt good to be out in the fresh air, listening to tunes through my iPhone and tuning out the world. I do feel stronger still, but this radiation is a drag on my energy.
When I get tired like this, I get weepy, too. I don't want to be depressed; I've got too much to do this year to improve my life. I'm sort of overwhelmed with my list of goals, but I just need to take it one day at a time. I am determined to make this a year of healing, hope and progress.
It doesn't help my fatigue levels either that as soon as the New Year began, work went nuts. Both my education beat on Mercer Island, and city hall business in Sammamish are just crazy. I've got three night meetings next week. I told Mary, my editor, I will no doubt have to come home and rest in the afternoon if I'm going to cover all of this. Don't get me wrong - I want to. I love my job, and the school situation on the island is really a biggie - they're going to float a big-ass bond in April. I have so much fun with all of that. I know, I'm a school board nerd!
I have my first real ukulele lesson later this afternoon! I'm very excited. I'm having a hard time with positioning my hands, so I really do need help. I'm also having a pedicure for my "be good to me" moment!
Happy New Year to all my faithful readers. You are all treasured.
I did go skiing on New Year's Day, and it was lovely. My goal was six runs and I did it. It was a pretty mellow intermediate run, but it felt good to be out in the fresh air, listening to tunes through my iPhone and tuning out the world. I do feel stronger still, but this radiation is a drag on my energy.
When I get tired like this, I get weepy, too. I don't want to be depressed; I've got too much to do this year to improve my life. I'm sort of overwhelmed with my list of goals, but I just need to take it one day at a time. I am determined to make this a year of healing, hope and progress.
It doesn't help my fatigue levels either that as soon as the New Year began, work went nuts. Both my education beat on Mercer Island, and city hall business in Sammamish are just crazy. I've got three night meetings next week. I told Mary, my editor, I will no doubt have to come home and rest in the afternoon if I'm going to cover all of this. Don't get me wrong - I want to. I love my job, and the school situation on the island is really a biggie - they're going to float a big-ass bond in April. I have so much fun with all of that. I know, I'm a school board nerd!
I have my first real ukulele lesson later this afternoon! I'm very excited. I'm having a hard time with positioning my hands, so I really do need help. I'm also having a pedicure for my "be good to me" moment!
Happy New Year to all my faithful readers. You are all treasured.
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