Out of the abyss

Things just kept getting worse with my mental state after my last post. I saw Dr. Dobie the day after my last post, and she mentioned she had also noticed a change in me since Dr. Kaplan put me on the estrogen blocker. Then, I had a grim reality to face Friday night, which I won't go in to here. Suffice it to say I realized someone I really cared for, really doesn't give a damn about me.

By Saturday I was back in the rabbit hole. Thinking about death. The sun was out, so by 4-ish I ventured out of the hole to the park with Abbey, and talked to the trees, God and Joni by phone. I felt better, but I still wasn't finding my joy.

Sunday I went to the Mariner's game. I had a great seat, good weather and they won. But I came home and cried. By Monday I called Dr. Kaplan and told him I thought the estrogen blocker was making me crazy. He said stop taking them and come see him in a couple of days, which I did. I've been off them now three days, and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I'm finding humor in weird shit again, (that's the real me), and enjoying my ukulele, even singing (don't ever ask me to sing in front of you) while playing, and marveling that I'm remembering several chords and don't have to look at my hands. I'm back.

The mammogram on my right breast came out a-okay. Nothing to worry about there. My other girl parts are fine, too - no sign of cervical cancer. I'm doing my Pilates and I am back up to 45 minutes on the elliptical at level 7. I've even lost a few pounds and moved my belt in one notch. The new support group is so good. Last night we got onto the subject of intimacy after cancer. It was hilarious. I felt like I was back in my fifth grade (or whenever it was) sex education class. Jacci uses those gigantic post-its to write stuff and sticks them on the wall, and one had these words; vibrator, masturbation, and something else in a row, and I said, God help the janitor; he's going to wonder what the hell went on in this conference room! It was so open and cleansing though. It's a tough issue with body image problems.

Anyway, before the Friday night incident that I won't go into, I went to The Pink Door with Sophia, my little young friend who goes to UW, to listen to Miss Rose and the Rhythm Percolators. Miss Rose is an awesome ukulele player and I loved her! I was in awe watching her hands, and she sings beautifully, too. Her uke was solid ash, a canoe paddle shape. I introduced myself, and told her I have a repertoire of four songs, period, and she said that was good! She leads the jams at "Dusty Strings," but the only time I went to that one, she had a substitute. I'll go to hers next month.

I actually got the courage up to try the online dating thing again, too. Not Match, Lord no. My friend Lisa, told me about a free one called OkayCupid, so I've already been "chatting" with a couple of guys. I might have coffee with one this weekend. He seems nice. Another one, a real hottie, obviously just wants to have sex, and I'm just too vulnerable for a casual hookup right now. My heart gets broken too easily. Men. Don't even get me started.

I didn't get the job in Bellevue. I keep looking. I'm not losing hope yet, and now that I'm off those awful drugs, I feel in control of my life again. I see Dr. Kaplan again on the 30th for Herceptin, and we'll re-visit the hormone thing again. He believes I need to be on some sort of estrogen blocker because of my positive ER/PR markers, but obviously that one wasn't the right one. I told him that when I did have menses, I suffered from horrid PMS (depression, couldn't think) and that's how I felt, so we've got to avoid that again. If nothing works, I just will go without the hormone treatment altogether. It's not an automatic death sentence, and I'd rather live with a clear head then think about how to off myself.

Unemployment sucks; anxiety almost paralyzing

It's been almost two weeks since I blogged and I still don't have a job. The interview with my old company, for the Bellevue position, went great, but they still haven't hired anyone. Go figure. I had a phone screen with one other company, which was basically a few general questions from a recruiter, but she said they'd filled the position but would keep me on file for an interview should another opening come up. Weird.

It's so frustrating. Not to mention scary. So, meantime the shrink decided to put me on Wellbutrin in addition to my anti-depressant I've been taking for years, which was a huge miscalculation on her part. I threw them out almost a week ago after I found myself seriously thinking about how to end my life. I went to a pretty dark place, looking on Google for example, on painless ways to do it. I'm quite sure the pills were part of the reason. I could never understand the warnings about some anti-depressants making people suicidal, but now I get it. I guess she thought it would help because I've been pretty low about the job situation, as well as a family matter that shook me to the core a week ago.

I'm in a new group now called "ABC," or life After Breast Cancer. I'm finding it to be much more helpful than my old group. We talked a great deal last week about what we need to get better. I need peace and not to have to deal with other people's shit right now. Our facilitator, Jacci, said that's perfectly fine. Even though I'm "cancer free," whatever that means, I'm not over all of this. I suppose it has changed me forever. I found myself drinking too much (alone at home) after the layoff, so now I don't even keep it in the house. I had two Mimosas on Easter, while sitting in the sun, and that's it this week. I also went to a different church than the one I have gone to previously here (not that I go very often), and I felt a real connection to the pastor. He was greeting everyone as we left, and I handed him a prayer card for his eyes only.

He e-mailed me, and we've been having an e-mail conversation. I haven't ever done anything like this. But I need faith right now, and it's slipping away. He's going out of town for a couple of weeks, but when he gets back, we're going to visit in person. I just have a good feeling about him. He's not some sleazy preacher. It's a Lutheran church, which is fine. I was baptized in the Presbyterian church, but I've always considered myself a "jack Presby!" Taylor was baptized in the Lutheran Church, where my deceased mother-in-law went to church. She was a sweetie.

This week I've had doctors up the ying-yang. Monday, I had my three-month follow up with my breast surgeon, Dr. Beatty. He said I'm healing well. I asked about the occasional shooting pain in my chest cavity, and he said it's normal - nerves reconnecting. I'm still basically numb throughout the left chest area, but my arm is getting back to normal.

I don't see the plastic surgeon about reconstruction until May 2, but Dr. Beatty thought, from what he saw, that I should be able to have reconstruction in July, which is kind of what I thought. I cannot wait. I know it will be another long healing process, but I hate the way I am now. I'm working out regularly, eating well, and starting to get real strength back so I can go into reconstruction healthy.

Also Monday I saw Dr. Kaplan and had Herceptin, no big deal anymore. Then yesterday I saw an ob-gyn for the first time in two years for the dreaded check of my other girl parts. Dr. Kaplan referred me to this gal, Dr. Pray. I loved her. Young, awesome chick. I'm sure I'm fine. My maternal grandmother died of cervical cancer (I never knew her), but Dr. Pray said cervical cancer is not hereditary. Whew!

I have my group in a little bit, then Friday I see the shrink again, and I have a mammogram on the remaining boob. I couldn't believe imaging, when they told Beatty's nurse I better have both sides done - I looked at her and told her to tell them there's nothing to "mamm" on that side. Idiots. They obviously hadn't read through all my health records. It's all there in Swedish's system.

I continue to attempt to play my ukulele; I even went to another jam Sunday afternoon with the Seattle Ukulele Players Association. It was fun, but I still struggle to keep up, and this group does a lot of Hawaiian stuff, which I don't know at all. It helps to at least have the song sort of in your head.

It was also very wonderful to spend last Thursday with an Alaska pal, Marilyn, who was in town for the day on a long layover. We sold real estate together back in the day. We went to the Gauguin exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum that's only here until the end of the month. It was first Thursday, so it was cheaper. It was a very good exhibit - works from his time in Polynesia, where both Marilyn and I have been. She's a lovely person.

I think I'll go to one of the Mariner's opening home games this weekend. It's supposed to be another nice weekend - last weekend was beautiful. It's supposed to be the warmest on Sunday, so I think I'll see about getting a ticket for that game. I love watching them live. And the cheap cable I have doesn't include ROOT sports, which is the channel that carries their games. I think that sucks that I live here and can't even watch them on TV. It's like when the Olympics were in Vancouver - what, 3 hours north at the most, and we couldn't watch any of the events live. I don't get these things.

If I don't get a job pretty soon, I'm thinking of running away for a few days to the San Juans. For peace.