I have to make this quick - "Dancing With the Stars" is on in 15-minutes! At least I can still enjoy my guilty pleasures!
So, it's set. My mastectomy will be on Oct. 12. The first available date was Oct. 11, and I just looked at Dr. Beatty and said "really, well that's not happening!" Oct. 11 is my birthday, and as if birthdays aren't bad enough anymore, I sure as hell didn't want to say goodbye to ol' leftie on my birthday.
This time, my sister Cheryle is coming from Alaska to take care of me. This will require an overnight stay in the hospital for me, and I will be very sore. Also, I'll have a drain for a few weeks, which totally grosses me out. So, she'll stay as long as I need her.
Dr. Beatty spent a great deal of time with me talking about next steps. My medical oncologist, the wonderful Dr. Kaplan, felt radiation would be a given. But then my friend who had a double mastectomy called me and questioned why that would be necessary since by removing the breast they're removing the cancer. Good question. She didn't have to go through radiation.
Dr. Beatty said they would radiate the chest in that area, but he also said the pathology after this one will tell the story.
As usual, I fall into a strange category. I had a huge tumor, but no lymph node issues. He said that's very unusual. The lobular cancer that is still there is a sneaky one. He used a cluster of grapes as an analogy. The grapes are the lobes that store milk, and the branches are the milk ducts. So, the cancer starts in the grapes, and sneaks up the ducts, therefore making it hard to see in imaging.
If pathology is super clean after this surgery, I can possibly skip radiation and move on to reconstruction.
If it's questionable, I suppose I'll have to do radiation, which will be a pain in the ass because it's every day for 6 weeks. Also, they can't start reconstruction until 6 months after radiation, because it changes your skin texture. It has to totally heal. So I still have a lot of decisions to make and much more to endure.
Meantime, there are prothethics, and believe it or not, they recommend Nordstrom for the best prosthetic bras and fitters. Yay! I can put it on my Nordstrom card - and the insurance company will reimburse me. It's sort of bizarre, yes?
So, before my surgery, I'm going to be consulting with at least three plastic surgeons so I am armed with knowledge. Aaah! Dancing is starting!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Cancer has it's own agenda...this isn't over
I decided to wait until I saw my medical oncologist today to report the latest. As many of you know, I had my lumpectomy one week ago today. I did a quick Facebook post that day, that it seemed to go well. Dr. Beatty, my surgeon, removed 7.7 centimeters of mass, and there is no cancer in my lymph nodes, which is excellent news.
But I am not cancer free. Dr. Beatty called me late Friday when the pathology report came in. I had dozed off and Joni was napping, too. I did know there was another little tumor in another part of the breast, and it was, and still is, benign. However, there is lobular cancer, the second most prevalent of breast cancers (behind DCIS, which I had in the tumor) still in the breast.
I asked Dr. Kaplan today why this wasn't picked up by an MRI. It's not like a tumor or mass, rather it sort of fingers out in the ducts and is only picked up by pathology.
You can imagine I was devastated when Dr. Beatty called me Friday. I tried all weekend to process the fact that the plan didn't work, and I will have to have a mastectomy in two to three weeks. I feel defeated, depressed, sad and humiliated at the thought of being - well, I don't even want to go there.
I told Dr. Kaplan I felt like a fool for going through all the hell of chemo, thinking this was going to work. He said the chemo was still in the cards because it was such a large tumor, and it most likely prevented it from spreading to other parts of my body. It is not in my blood or lymphatic system or anywhere else thank God.
So, with removal of the breast, then, God willing, I'll be rid of the cancer. But it doesn't end there. I'm looking at a year of Herceptin every three weeks, which has to be administered like chemo, but there are no side effects. I was on Herceptin with my first round of chemo. It's basically to keep me from producing estrogen because of my HER2 status. But that means I won't get rid of this damn port till the Herceptin is over. Plus, I'll be on sort of an anti-hormone therapy, which is a pill, to also suppress estrogen production (it feeds my cancer).
More aggravation - I will have to go through radiation. The risk of local recurrence is too great if I don't. That will start not too long after the mastectomy, every freaking day for I think six weeks. Am I having fun yet?
I can't start reconstructive surgery until after radiation, because the tissue changes - the elasticity and texture. I'm probably looking at two to three surgeries for reconstruction. Meantime, I guess I'll get a prosthesis, so that means when I go to Hawaii in December I'll be sporting a fake boob under my swimsuit. I'm just sick about it.
I guess I should be happy that it's not spread, but all I feel is sore of course, and sad.
To add to my horrible day, my ex mother-n-law died today, who I have always loved. Taylor told me as soon as he found out. She is the last of the four - my folks, and Ron's folks, and I am heartbroken - Taylor has no more grandparents. I am grieving this loss.
So, I'm in this for the long haul I guess. Who will ever love me once I'm a mutilated freak? I am so glad I don't have to go through any more chemo, though. I had already decided I wasn't going to do it regardless.
But I am not cancer free. Dr. Beatty called me late Friday when the pathology report came in. I had dozed off and Joni was napping, too. I did know there was another little tumor in another part of the breast, and it was, and still is, benign. However, there is lobular cancer, the second most prevalent of breast cancers (behind DCIS, which I had in the tumor) still in the breast.
I asked Dr. Kaplan today why this wasn't picked up by an MRI. It's not like a tumor or mass, rather it sort of fingers out in the ducts and is only picked up by pathology.
You can imagine I was devastated when Dr. Beatty called me Friday. I tried all weekend to process the fact that the plan didn't work, and I will have to have a mastectomy in two to three weeks. I feel defeated, depressed, sad and humiliated at the thought of being - well, I don't even want to go there.
I told Dr. Kaplan I felt like a fool for going through all the hell of chemo, thinking this was going to work. He said the chemo was still in the cards because it was such a large tumor, and it most likely prevented it from spreading to other parts of my body. It is not in my blood or lymphatic system or anywhere else thank God.
So, with removal of the breast, then, God willing, I'll be rid of the cancer. But it doesn't end there. I'm looking at a year of Herceptin every three weeks, which has to be administered like chemo, but there are no side effects. I was on Herceptin with my first round of chemo. It's basically to keep me from producing estrogen because of my HER2 status. But that means I won't get rid of this damn port till the Herceptin is over. Plus, I'll be on sort of an anti-hormone therapy, which is a pill, to also suppress estrogen production (it feeds my cancer).
More aggravation - I will have to go through radiation. The risk of local recurrence is too great if I don't. That will start not too long after the mastectomy, every freaking day for I think six weeks. Am I having fun yet?
I can't start reconstructive surgery until after radiation, because the tissue changes - the elasticity and texture. I'm probably looking at two to three surgeries for reconstruction. Meantime, I guess I'll get a prosthesis, so that means when I go to Hawaii in December I'll be sporting a fake boob under my swimsuit. I'm just sick about it.
I guess I should be happy that it's not spread, but all I feel is sore of course, and sad.
To add to my horrible day, my ex mother-n-law died today, who I have always loved. Taylor told me as soon as he found out. She is the last of the four - my folks, and Ron's folks, and I am heartbroken - Taylor has no more grandparents. I am grieving this loss.
So, I'm in this for the long haul I guess. Who will ever love me once I'm a mutilated freak? I am so glad I don't have to go through any more chemo, though. I had already decided I wasn't going to do it regardless.
Friday, September 9, 2011
I'm doing the best I can
I keep telling myself that, but I can't seem to get enough done (in my opinion). The last two days have been hard. It's been two weeks since my last chemo and I was thinking it was three. I can't even keep track of time. But I do feel better in that sense - I don't have the icky dry mouth and sick feeling anymore.
That said, I've been crying on and off for two days. I'm scared about the surgery, which is this coming Wednesday. I'm not worried about my surgeon, he's fabulous, or about not waking up, rather how it's going to all turn out.
I had an MRI Tuesday, and it says "there has been a further decrease in the volume, size, peak enhancement and kinetic profile of the abnormality centered at 11 o'clock."..etc, etc. then at the end it says "no adenopathy is visible" which means no signs of cancer in my lymph nodes, which is real good news. But it goes on to say that the "abnormality" had a substantial but incomplete response to therapy.
So, here I worry and worry about becoming a deformed person. And I cry and wonder what the next steps will be. I will refuse to do any more chemo. I don't care. It's too hard.
So, big fun tomorrow as I go in search of a very supportive sport bra that I will have to wear 24/7 for a few days while I heal.
I am so grateful Joni is coming. I just couldn't do this one on my own. We're going to have dinner the night before my surgery at my favorite (well one of my favorites) restaurant, The Book Bindery, in Fremont. It's so killer - a food writer turned me onto the place. It's only been open since last fall, but it's been "discovered" so you have to have a reservation. Hopefully it won't be my last meal.
I've been working really hard trying to get in more hours at work, and it was a busy week. Wore me out. I worked late three nights with meetings, then a guy was electrocuted on the Island, and a truck plowed into an old woman's house; breaking news is not real common on Mercer Island, and I'm it to respond.
My son Taylor, and his girl Jamie were indeed here for Labor Day Weekend. My God, it was so good to hug him. He hugged me harder this time, and didn't let go. I know he's worried about me. But we had fun - ate out one night, then drove by the house Kurt Cobain died in - I'd never even seen it before! I know - macabre.
We did Pike Place Market with a zillion other people Saturday, but it was such a beautiful day and all the flowers were overwhelmingly lovely.
Sunday we did Bumbershoot, and it was another sunny, gorgeous day. It was actually too hot for me. I get warm quick and can't take too much. The first thing I did, was listen to a talk given by Pamela DesBarres, aka "Miss Pamela," the world's most famous groupie and author of several books, the first one being "I'm With The Band." I read the book about 8 months ago and loved every word. She is a hoot, and still quite attractive in an old hippie sort of groove. In fact, she's coming out with her own clothing line next spring called Hippie Couture. Can't wait! Anyway, she autographed my book and I bought the sequel called "Piece of my Heart." It was very cool. I asked her if she was the inspiration for the character Penny Lane in the movie "Almost Famous," and she said she and two other groupies were. She also thinks the Stones will tour once more. Nice.
Later I saw Leon Russell while the kids went to see a hot Seattle rapper. Leon made me very happy. He did a lot of his great old blues, but also a couple of Beatles and Stones songs. He's played with them all. I was thrilled that he did his very famous take on "Jumpin' Jack Flash." He's still got a huge mane of white hair and beard, all under a white cowboy hat. Love the guy - geez he's in his 70s now and can still rock it.
On Labor Day all three of us took Abbey to the park for a walk, then they had to go back to Idaho. Jamie had a class Tuesday morning, and Taylor started Wednesday. They are both at North Idaho College.
Okay, I feel better.
Whatever it is you do, pray, meditate, chant....send it my way Wednesday because I'm scared shitless.
That said, I've been crying on and off for two days. I'm scared about the surgery, which is this coming Wednesday. I'm not worried about my surgeon, he's fabulous, or about not waking up, rather how it's going to all turn out.
I had an MRI Tuesday, and it says "there has been a further decrease in the volume, size, peak enhancement and kinetic profile of the abnormality centered at 11 o'clock."..etc, etc. then at the end it says "no adenopathy is visible" which means no signs of cancer in my lymph nodes, which is real good news. But it goes on to say that the "abnormality" had a substantial but incomplete response to therapy.
So, here I worry and worry about becoming a deformed person. And I cry and wonder what the next steps will be. I will refuse to do any more chemo. I don't care. It's too hard.
So, big fun tomorrow as I go in search of a very supportive sport bra that I will have to wear 24/7 for a few days while I heal.
I am so grateful Joni is coming. I just couldn't do this one on my own. We're going to have dinner the night before my surgery at my favorite (well one of my favorites) restaurant, The Book Bindery, in Fremont. It's so killer - a food writer turned me onto the place. It's only been open since last fall, but it's been "discovered" so you have to have a reservation. Hopefully it won't be my last meal.
I've been working really hard trying to get in more hours at work, and it was a busy week. Wore me out. I worked late three nights with meetings, then a guy was electrocuted on the Island, and a truck plowed into an old woman's house; breaking news is not real common on Mercer Island, and I'm it to respond.
My son Taylor, and his girl Jamie were indeed here for Labor Day Weekend. My God, it was so good to hug him. He hugged me harder this time, and didn't let go. I know he's worried about me. But we had fun - ate out one night, then drove by the house Kurt Cobain died in - I'd never even seen it before! I know - macabre.
We did Pike Place Market with a zillion other people Saturday, but it was such a beautiful day and all the flowers were overwhelmingly lovely.
Sunday we did Bumbershoot, and it was another sunny, gorgeous day. It was actually too hot for me. I get warm quick and can't take too much. The first thing I did, was listen to a talk given by Pamela DesBarres, aka "Miss Pamela," the world's most famous groupie and author of several books, the first one being "I'm With The Band." I read the book about 8 months ago and loved every word. She is a hoot, and still quite attractive in an old hippie sort of groove. In fact, she's coming out with her own clothing line next spring called Hippie Couture. Can't wait! Anyway, she autographed my book and I bought the sequel called "Piece of my Heart." It was very cool. I asked her if she was the inspiration for the character Penny Lane in the movie "Almost Famous," and she said she and two other groupies were. She also thinks the Stones will tour once more. Nice.
Later I saw Leon Russell while the kids went to see a hot Seattle rapper. Leon made me very happy. He did a lot of his great old blues, but also a couple of Beatles and Stones songs. He's played with them all. I was thrilled that he did his very famous take on "Jumpin' Jack Flash." He's still got a huge mane of white hair and beard, all under a white cowboy hat. Love the guy - geez he's in his 70s now and can still rock it.
On Labor Day all three of us took Abbey to the park for a walk, then they had to go back to Idaho. Jamie had a class Tuesday morning, and Taylor started Wednesday. They are both at North Idaho College.
Okay, I feel better.
Whatever it is you do, pray, meditate, chant....send it my way Wednesday because I'm scared shitless.
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