Sunday, August 19, 2012

Cold turkey

Well hell, I wish the doctor had told me to wean myself off the painkillers. After my last post, they ran out and I thought, okay, I'm done, because I didn't want to become dependent on them. I was on oxycodone. Bad shit. Real bad shit. I didn't leave the house for two days, and Tuesday - it was in the 80s outside - I laid on the couch rolled up in a ball in a blanket crying, freezing and sweating. God it was awful.
Wednesday I had to go to Swedish to talk to the social worker about continued assistance, so I had to go out amongst them, which was a good thing. I took care of some other business and went to Costco, too, and I felt much more human.
Sandy, the social worker, told me something I didn't know. For every hour you're under anesthesia, it takes a week to recover and get it out of your system. I was under for five hours. Tomorrow is four weeks out, so I figure another week and I may feel like myself again, and hopefully in another two or three I can get into some restorative yoga.
I am able to walk Abbey longer now. We went to Lincoln Park for the first time in a month, and it was a gorgeous, hot sunny day. We just walked along the water though, as I still don't have it in me to trek through the woods. But it was wonderful.
I had another massage with Naomi, which really helps my back. What a goddess with her hands. My belly incision doesn't hurt so much anymore either, so I'm trying to stand in the Pilates stance when I'm standing, and tuck my tailbone under. My new breast does hurt still. It's still very swollen and bruised. I'm going to call the doc tomorrow just to make sure that's normal.
I'm also sleeping better. I was having God-awful night sweats and now that I'm off the oxy - surprise! The night sweats are gone. Imagine waking up every morning soaked and freezing. I can't even imagine how people get hooked on pain killers. It's awful.
But now I've been burdened with GI problems all week from going off the oxycodone. Nothing looks good to me. So I'm forcing myself to eat a BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce and toast) and it's working. As much as I know I need fruits and veggies again, which I love, it's hard right now. I did eat some cucumber and tomato, and today some cantaloupe, banana and blueberries. Consequently, I've lost weight! Yay!
But yesterday was a great day. I met up with my old pal from the Coeur d'Alene Press days, Tyler Wilson, and his wife Angie, and their little girl Marion, along with some other people I didn't know, and had a lovely visit in Sodo, before they went to a Mariner's game. Tyler is a great guy. Then, I went to a dive bar called Linda's Tavern of all things, for Linda's Fest, to catch a new band, "Walking Papers," and I was blown away! I even met the drummer and on bass, the one and only Duff McKagan, formerly of Guns n' Roses! I was so stoked! They were totally killer. The lead singer/guitarist, Jeff Angell, is awesome. The drummer, Barrett Martin, and Angell are the main guys - who knows if Duff will stay with them, but I was right in front! I love being able to see all the details, setting up, plugging stuff in, the set list. It electrifies me.
Today I went to an uke jam and had fun as usual. I've been working on "Norwegian Wood," by the Beatles for weeks, and finally got the lick down. It's a hard one. We didn't do it at the jam, but I'm enjoying it as part of my repertoire. I watched Duff and Jeff very closely last night - their hands on the frets and their strumming, plucking patterns. Geez - I'll never be a rock star, but I sure do admire the talent. I know it's only rock and roll, but dammit I love it!
Taylor is coming over for a couple of days, then I'm taking off again in a week for a couple of nights on Whidbey Island. I haven't been there in ages. I found a quaint pet-friendly Inn in Coupeville, so I'm taking Miss Abbey on a little adventure. I'm going to scout around. I figure if I don't find a job here by the time all my cancer care is over, I might be outa here. I don't know. I love Seattle, but Whidbey is close enough so if I wanted to go to a show or something, I could still do it. God knows I love the San Juan's, but that's quite a commute. I need to find a place where I can live cheaper, and I want to stay near the water.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Back to normal - sort of

                With all my caregivers gone, I'm trying to rest up, get caught up and pursue looking for work with more enthusiasm, although I don't know if I could work yet. I get so darn tired. I'm three weeks post-op  now. Made it to Aerosmith with Col last Wednesday night, and slept in the next day. Yesterday I did make it to yet another concert, this one an earlier show because it was at the Zoo (part of their Zootunes series), and they always start at 6 p.m. sharp and don't go much later than 9 because of neighboring homes I imagine. So, I was home by 8:45 or so.
I saw Melissa Ethridge, one of my favorite ladies of rock. I saw her once before, years ago, before she had breast cancer. I could tell it changed her, too. She's one of those artists who talks to the audience between songs, and you can actually understand her! She said she's eight years cancer free now - I figured it had been awhile - plus her hair is long again!
So when she opened her encore with "I Walk For Life," which she wrote after the whole cancer thing, it was really emotional for me, tears welling up in my eyes.
I had an epiphany, too. I think one of the reasons I love rock so much, is that I understand the message so well. Rock and blues musicians speak to me - I get it. It's the soundtrack of my life. They express thoughts and feelings about life as I would like to.
Before "I'm The Only One," one my favorites of hers,  Melissa pointed out that we are the only ones who truly get it - about who we are. I  need to take care of myself - it's my life, you know? I mean, I know this, but it's good to be reminded.
So, enough of the philosophy of rock and roll! She is a rock star, but not flashy. She opened with "Fearless Love," and "Your Little Secret," before launching into a killer blues jam. She can certainly hold her own on the axe, let me tell you.
"I Want to Come Over," was performed with a whole lot of yearning, then she did "You Can't Always Get What You Want," doing the Stones proud. Loved it.
She's funny, too. Her belt broke, so her wardrobe/hair/makeup guy had to come out with a new belt or "her britches would fall down." She turned it into an amusing little dance while she strummed guitar and he circled her putting on the new belt. She said she was helpless, hapless (?) without him!
She also applauded her male fans, saying they were the best, because it took a lot of guts to admit they were Melissa Ethridge fans! She's gay if you don't know.
Of course she did "Come to my Window." When she travels she said people will ask her what she does, and she tells them she's an entertainer. They'll ask, "Do you play guitar?" Yes. "Do you sing?" Yes. Then she says, you know that window song?? OOhhh! They immediately know who she is!
She's got a new album coming out Sept. 4 and did a couple of songs off of it, one called "Falling Up," that was particularly good.
The rest of my week is pretty dull. Right now I have a massage scheduled for Thursday with Naomi again, still trying to get my back straightened out. I may also have an informational interview for a  job; keep your fingers crossed.
 No doctors until the last week of August. I'm going to have withdrawals! It's really scary to have the doctor's appointments thinning out. All normal, or so I hear.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Worse than childbirth

Now that it's over, I think I'm going to be extremely happy I made the decision I did. But I'm still extremely tired and sore from the TRAM-flap. If I had known how much pain I would be in I might have chickened out. I told Taylor I think I'd rather have given birth to him 10 times over.
The days leading up to the surgery were the calm before the storm. I was sore from the delay procedure, but when Laurie arrived for "first shift" as my nurse Saturday night, we had a little wine and visited, then the next day had brunch at the Book Bindery, followed by a ride on the Great Seattle Wheel on Pier 57, a new feature to the Emerald City.
I hardly slept. I was totally awake by 3 a.m. and just gave up. We were at the hospital right on time at 5:40 a.m. - O'dark hundred. Being early on the OR schedule, there was no waiting unlike with my mastectomy where I was in the holding area a grueling six hours. It was frightening moving along so quickly. When it was time to say goodbye to Laurie, I wasn't ready. This time while waiting to be conked out, I was regaling the anesthesiologist and staff with the story of my emergency appendectomy during the time I was going through chemo, then I was in recovery. Funny how they always shut me up!
I was in recovery for two hours. I couldn't feel the pain as I still had tons of drugs in me, plus a catheter, IV and three drains. Laurie finally got to see me when they took me to my room on the 11th floor, and she told me Dr. Isik said it went very well, but it took a little longer than expected because the tissue was harder than he anticipated. Ha! Pilates! It was 3 p.m.
I wasn't really hungry, so after awhile I had some jello and vanilla wafers. Laurie took off to go take care of sweet Abbey, and to have dinner with another friend of hers who was in Seattle visiting from New York. I was happy she had someone else to entertain her. Mira came to see me at 8 p.m. until 9 p.m. and we laughed and she and nurse Bonnie were marveling about how good I looked. Bonnie said most people have a gray pallor right out of surgery, and she was stunned that I had color in my face. Note: I HAD NOT slipped into any makeup! Anyway, Mira said the funniest thing - she said "surgery becomes you." I laughed until it was hurting and I had to quit!
One hour later all hell broke loose. All the big drugs must have worn off because I was in excruciating pain. It took Bonnie until 11:30 to get me comfortable. I was shaking, crying, wishing I'd just die.
I said to her, "how can I go home tomorrow? I can hardly move?"
She was a tough bird. She said by golly, I have patient's rights, and if I don't want to go home Tuesday I don't have to. I stayed.
Dr. Isik came in Tuesday morning and I told him I couldn't possibly go home and have Laurie dealing with this pile of mush that can't even move, and he was fine with that. They took my catheter out, which meant I was going to have to get up to go to the bathroom. It was so much effort. Then, I couldn't sit low enough to reach it, so they had to bring in a high-rise toilet. My first walk to the nurses station and back was total hell. I didn't think I'd make it. What had I done?
Much to my amazement, by Wednesday morning, not only was I able to go the regular toilet by myself, I could walk a short distance. Bonnie had gone home early in the morning, and I had another wonderful nurse, Megan most of Tuesday. But then dipshit Trang came back (I had her in the beginning) and I was getting pissed. She was the most inept nurse ever. Totally stupid. I had snapped at her more than once about making me wait for my pain medication. I said to her, "I don't think you realize how much pain I'm in - this is not make-believe." Then I waited an hour to get a diet Sierra Mist and chicken noodle soup (Campbell's sucky soup), and I was ready to get out of there. I was home by 3 p.m. and felt better already in my own digs. Abbey was thrilled to see me, but we had to be very careful to keep her from jumping on my belly. I think she understood something was up with mom - what, she wasn't sure, but she's been a really good girl.
All was pretty quiet for the next 48 hours. I slept a lot. Laurie was fine - she was confident enough to go here and there in her car, but she stayed close to home after I got out of the hospital. So, Thursday, Taryn arrived for shift number two. Both would stay that night. In advance I had gone to one of those places where you put dinners together in advance and freeze them, so I had a nice cod in I think some sort of lemon sauce, which they prepared along with a really good salad, and Taryn brought some awesome lemon bread from a bakery in Idaho.
Now, let me tell you, pain killers - any kind - have one really nasty side effect. Constipation. I had been taking a stool softener daily, but it was Thursday now, and I hadn't moved the earth since Sunday. I was miserable. When the girls ran out to the store, they got me some Milk of Magnesia, which the doc said was fine. I swigged a capful and was off to the bathroom. Once again I wanted to die. I didn't realize it, but I was in there an hour and 45 minutes screaming, moaning, begging for mercy while they held dinner. I know they were cracking up, but it wasn't funny. So, finally I yelled for whoever was brave enough to crack open the bathroom door and hand me my medical marijuana because it helps move things, too. Taryn dashes in and delivers the goods. In retrospect, it was hilarious. She came back again, for what I've forgotten, but she swears she got a second hand high. It's amazing the bathroom didn't explode.
Suffice it to say, I was exhausted, but I did enjoy my dinner. I was in bed not too much later. Then, I had a nightmare and woke up screaming and both of them came running into my bedroom. A few hours later, I thought Abbey was crying so everyone got up again. Lord, I have such wonderful friends.
Laurie left bright and early, so now Taryn had to deal with me on her own.
Taryn is a small town girl, so I was amazed when she said she'd come to the big city to take care of me. So, she didn't go anywhere except to walk Abbey for days! Let me digress for a moment to Abbey. She's so funny. At first, she wouldn't walk with Laurie. She'd plant her ass on the sidewalk and refuse to move. Momma wasn't there. But soon she realized if she wanted to be walked, she didn't have much of a choice. Taryn arrives. Same drill. She digs her heels in and won't budge. It was so funny - finally Taryn had to run to get her moving, then Abbey would go! I can only imagine what that looked like outside! I took her for a very short walk today, and she was very happy, although I walk at a snail's pace. So, now she needed to get ready for Colleen. If she wants a serious walk, I'm not there yet. She's so damn spoiled! It turned out, she walked just fine for Colleen, because I think she remembers Col, since she is down here a few times each year.
By Sunday, Taryn's dad, Carl, step-mom Shelley, and half-brother, Rick, were able to come and rescue her and take her to lunch and out and about a bit in West Seattle. They came in and visited with me on both ends. What a nice couple, and I had never met Rick, and he's a neat kid. He's 23 and was in a band, so I asked him if he was the rock star, and he looked at me sort of hesitantly, and shrugged and said, sure!
The next day, I was thrilled because I got my drains out! All three of them. The "C" drain, out the right side of my abdomen filled the most, but it was well below 30ml in a 24-hour period. So they were only in a week, compared to three weeks with my mastectomy drain, which I thought was interesting because this was a much more invasive procedure. With no icky stuff hanging out of me, Taryn and I were able to enjoy a nice dinner at a West Seattle place called Blackboard Bistro that evening. I was so happy to get out.
In addition to the obvious pain from my wounds, my back hurt like a mo-fo. I've had lower back problems anyway, but walking with a slight stoop from my belly hurting, made it worse. Much to my amazement, Naomi, the best massage therapist I've found here, makes house calls! She came with her table, to my home, and massaged the hell out of my back, relieving a great deal of pressure and pain. I plan to go to her again, soon. It really, really helped. By mid-week I was able to see Dr. Isik and he was thrilled with my progress. That was 10 days out. He took off the steri-strips, any remaining stitches and said he'd see me in a month! A month?! But as I write this none of my guts have fallen out!
Dr. Isik told me to keep paper tape over my abdominal incision 24/7, changing it when I showered, and it would greatly reduce scarring. Who knew? As far as the breast incisions, he said one positive to radiation, is that the tissue won't scar. Again, who knew. I feel like the bride of Frankenstein right now, but it will be awesome when I'm all healed.
When Taryn and I went to get my drains out, one of the nurses who had this procedure years ago, showed us her boobs and her belly and we were duly impressed! But it was so funny to suddenly be flashed by this woman we didn't know. We told Dr. Isik about it, and he smiled and said, "everybody has seen her boobs but me." He didn't do her surgery because this was before she knew him, so it was really funny!
Taryn rolled out Thursday, and Colleen arrived late that night from Anchorage. She got the easier shift because I'm able now to do more for myself, but I do get tired easily and I still sleep a lot. We did make it to a good vantage point Friday, to see the Blue Angels perform in day one of their Seafair performances, and as usual they were breathtaking. We totally lucked out finding a parking place, and then ending up at this same little spot I found two years ago. Saturday night we had dinner at the wonderful Book Bindery. I seem to take all my out of town guests there! It's so damn good! We shared a bottle of wine, which I hadn't done in a while, and boy, did I sleep that night, then had to take a nap and go to bed early the next night. Oh boy.
Hopefully I will have more strength in two days, as we have tickets to see Aerosmith at the Tacoma Dome. I plan to take a good nap in the afternoon! I figure I can do this - after all, I was at the U2 concert last year one week after the appendectomy! Rock-n-roll is always a priority!!!!