I love the weekends when I haven't just had chemo. This was an off week, thank God, because if I had to do this round every week - well, I don't think I could. It hit me pretty hard Monday - I stayed home all day and could barely function. But I made it to work the rest of the week, but still only got in 25 hours. Again, thank God for insurance, because these short hours mean short paychecks, too. And this fight in Washington D.C., which I'm following very closely, is making me very nervous. I don't want to end up an indigent old woman. My financial advisor tells me to stay the course, which I will, but those boneheads better reach an agreement before the deadline, or the sovereign U.S. as we know it will be in deep shit - i.e. double dip recession. My psychiatric oncologist tells me I worry too much about things I can't control, which is true, but I need to stop because it does affect my health. I'm trying.
So Tuesday night, I went back to my support group at Gilda's Club. I was standing at the corner waiting to cross Broadway to Gilda's, and this blond angel comes up beside me and says "I'm a one-year survivor." I looked at her, sort of shocked, and said "how did you know?"
She said she just could tell, and figured I was headed to Gilda's. She said, "It gets better, I want you to know that." She hugged me and I started to cry. We talked through another light and I asked her how old she was, because she didn't look very old. She's only 37, blond, pretty and she told me she just had her last reconstructive surgery, and sort of perked her boobs up. She gave me her business card and told me to e-mail or call anytime, and she'd be there for me. I have e-mailed her but haven't heard back, but I was blown away. An angel.
Then at group, the one same lady was there from last week, and she does indeed have a tumor on her liver now. It's not good. A fellow I hadn't met was there, and he has some sort of cancer in the bone marrow, that is not curable, but is treatable. So, he's on chemo (pills) the rest of his life. I hate this disease so much. But the group was good. We laughed, cried, and they were amazed by my encounter on the street.
So, get this. Some scumbag from hell, sawed all the copper pipes off the back of Gilda's Club, so now they have no heat or A/C. I asked Marti, our facilitator why someone would do that, and she said they sell the copper for drug money. Can you imagine? Doing that to a non-profit? It made the news, as they had a camp for kids with cancer there all week during the day, and they were sweltering, but still had fun. They need $10,000 to fix it. I plan to give what I can next time I'm there. It's just tragic.
By Thursday, one week since my last chemo, I began to feel human again. So, I'll have a good week this week until Friday when they hit me again. But then, I'll only have one left!
Taylor, my dear son, got back to Idaho in one piece last Sunday. He's going to the Gorge tonight to see Soundgarden. I'm so jealous. This will be the first summer since I moved to the "lower 48" in 1996 that I haven't gone to the Gorge. I just don't have the energy. It's a lot of work, with the traffic, accommodations, walking, etc. I told him I've heard rumors that one of the Pearl Jam guys might pop up on stage. Taylor's never understood my obsession with PJ, but I gave him the lecture that they've been together now for 20 years, so they've proven they are not just a flash in the pan grunge group, which seems funny to think now. He said one of his buddies that is going will freak if a PJ member shows up, because he loves them, too. Speaking of which....
When I saw Eddie Vedder at Benaroya Hall, I could not get my hands on one of these very cool posters by a local artist called Munk One, as they sold out. Well through the Internet and perseverance I got one! Turns out a guy who lives right here in West Seattle bought an extra one, so I paid him $60 for it - they were $35 at the show, but are going for much higher now on E-Bay. I'll try to find a link to it to post to FB. Anyway, when I went to the Alki Arts Fair last weekend, I found this fellow, Fred Madrid, who does custom matting and framing. I met him when I was first here in Seattle, through a little coffee group I got into which has since broke apart. I went to his studio Wednesday with the poster, and it's going to be flat out fantastic once it's matted and framed. He and his wife live off California Avenue, a main north/south in West Seattle. So, he asks me if I know who Chris Cornell is, and I say, yes, of course (lead singer for Soundgarden). Well, he used to live four houses down from Fred, and now his ex-wife lives there. Cornell's ex-wife is Susan Silver, who was a huge influence in the 90s music scene in Seattle. I think at one time she managed Alice in Chains. Anyway, so I asked Fred if he's ever run into Vedder, and he said he's seen him around.....he just lives off California a few blocks up he says. So, what I'm getting to, is that the house I've been driving people by when they come to visit, which I thought was Eddie's house - ISN'T! Shit! I feel like an ass now. There goes my Linda Ball West Seattle tour highlight!
I've decided to stay put in this apartment, which I've been in now for almost two years, until at least next summer. The economy is too fragile, as am I to move. So, in addition to my new art, I've got a couple of nice runners on order for my halls, through my interior design genius, Colleen, and I'm going to have my local interior design connection, Rebecca, paint my bedroom. Just a few little things to brighten the place up and make my environment feel better. Because this cancer treatment will go on and on still. I have surgery then six weeks of radiation ahead of me yet.
On a sad note, but it's of my doing, I am on my own again. It's complicated and personal, but if anyone is reading this who knows Brad, I want to say that he is a kind, sweet man. This is about me. I can't hardly take care of myself sometimes, and it's even harder to nurture a relationship. I just can't do it right now. I'm sorry. Chalk it up to another failed relationship.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
I guess this is the worse before it gets better
Sleep is elusive these first few days after A/C. It's 7:42 a.m. and I need more sleep, but I can't. Went to bed after watching the movie "Once" at 10 p.m. That's the movie with Glen Hansard who opened and played with Eddie last weekend. A very sweet story, filled with music. Loved it.
Looking back on the week, I had a follow up with the podiatrist on my right foot, which has been hurting like hell. I called Dr. Kaplan over last weekend and told him I thought it was infected, so now I'm on antibiotics for it. My medicine cabinet floweth over now. I get confused on when to take what. I already had an appointment with the podiatrist Monday morning, and yeah, it should be drying up faster, so I'm back soaking it in epsom salt every night and it does seem to be improving, although it will be a year before a complete healthy toenail grows back. Along with my hair.
I must say, for the fatigue level I'm experiencing, I did a kick ass job of covering the conclusion of the Sammamish shoreline master program. Three hour meeting a their city hall Monday night- grueling. I came home and took a nap first, but got a great story. Every single body of water in Washington must develop a new plan every seven years, so they are all scrambling. It's a fascinating topic to me, because it totally effects private property rights on lakes, rivers, and the Sound. Harkens back to my old real estate days, plus the folks up in Sammamish are pretty, shall we say, spirited? Good people though.
Back to cancer, I attended my first support group at Gilda's Club. It was good. I can't say much because it's all confidential, but one very smart, pragmatic lady has stage 4 breast cancer, and now they've found a spot on her liver. She has two small children. She empathized with the fact that I'm on adryamicin - she said it's nickname is the red devil. Fitting. I hate this fucking disease. She really doesn't know what her future holds. It scared me, and when I went into treatment this week, I told Dr. Kaplan her story, and he said I'm going to be fine. They see no evidence of the cancer tripping along somewhere else in my body. But, you see, that's the biggest fear once this is over. What if it comes back? I don't know if I have it in me to fight again.
My son Taylor headed home to Idaho, from Texas yesterday, as he finished his summer job there. Once he gets settled back at his dad's, he'll come see me. I'm so proud of him for sticking it out in that heat. And he has grown up so much, I can tell. He's going to go back into the firefighting school in the fall, which he started after high school, but didn't finish. His first semester will be EMT I stuff. It's a perfect career for him. He's strong, brave and handsome! So, he could be on one of those shirtless firefighter calendars (I told him this before and he cringed)!
It's a beautiful day and I hope to be strong enough to take Abbey down to Alki for the open air art fair. We'll have to go after her grooming of course so she looks pretty! Hell, she looks better than me.
Looking back on the week, I had a follow up with the podiatrist on my right foot, which has been hurting like hell. I called Dr. Kaplan over last weekend and told him I thought it was infected, so now I'm on antibiotics for it. My medicine cabinet floweth over now. I get confused on when to take what. I already had an appointment with the podiatrist Monday morning, and yeah, it should be drying up faster, so I'm back soaking it in epsom salt every night and it does seem to be improving, although it will be a year before a complete healthy toenail grows back. Along with my hair.
I must say, for the fatigue level I'm experiencing, I did a kick ass job of covering the conclusion of the Sammamish shoreline master program. Three hour meeting a their city hall Monday night- grueling. I came home and took a nap first, but got a great story. Every single body of water in Washington must develop a new plan every seven years, so they are all scrambling. It's a fascinating topic to me, because it totally effects private property rights on lakes, rivers, and the Sound. Harkens back to my old real estate days, plus the folks up in Sammamish are pretty, shall we say, spirited? Good people though.
Back to cancer, I attended my first support group at Gilda's Club. It was good. I can't say much because it's all confidential, but one very smart, pragmatic lady has stage 4 breast cancer, and now they've found a spot on her liver. She has two small children. She empathized with the fact that I'm on adryamicin - she said it's nickname is the red devil. Fitting. I hate this fucking disease. She really doesn't know what her future holds. It scared me, and when I went into treatment this week, I told Dr. Kaplan her story, and he said I'm going to be fine. They see no evidence of the cancer tripping along somewhere else in my body. But, you see, that's the biggest fear once this is over. What if it comes back? I don't know if I have it in me to fight again.
My son Taylor headed home to Idaho, from Texas yesterday, as he finished his summer job there. Once he gets settled back at his dad's, he'll come see me. I'm so proud of him for sticking it out in that heat. And he has grown up so much, I can tell. He's going to go back into the firefighting school in the fall, which he started after high school, but didn't finish. His first semester will be EMT I stuff. It's a perfect career for him. He's strong, brave and handsome! So, he could be on one of those shirtless firefighter calendars (I told him this before and he cringed)!
It's a beautiful day and I hope to be strong enough to take Abbey down to Alki for the open air art fair. We'll have to go after her grooming of course so she looks pretty! Hell, she looks better than me.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The most wonderful concert ever
I don't even know where to start. So, I'm combining last night's Eddie Vedder concert with the latest on my health status.
Beauty first. To say I was blown away last night is an understatement. Here was my favorite (living) male singer, in beautiful Benaroya Hall, where no matter where you sit, it's good, and the sound is immaculate everywhere.
The opening act, Glen Hansard came on right in time. He's an Irishman, and totally fabulous. So this morning I was researching him, and he not only wrote the song "Falling Slowly," but he was in the movie "Once" for which it won the Oscar for best original song a couple years ago.
I bring this up, because the high point of the night was when he and Eddie performed the song together with acoustic guitars. My tears just flowed. It's the most beautiful song; it should be criminal. Google it. You'll cry, too.
Eddie's stage set was like his living room. Nice rug, trunks, a reel-to-reel player. The hometown crowd greeted him with ear-splitting applause - great, great crowd. Everything from old PJ fans to "kids."
He sauntered out casually, and went electric with a song called "Lucky Stars in your Eyes," by, I believe Daniel Johnston. That was a surprise to me that he plugged in so early since this is the tour behind Ukulele songs.
Ah, not to worry. The uke came out next with four in a row from "Ukulele Songs," first, "Can't Keep," which opens the CD and is a PJ song, the beautiful "Sleeping by Myself," and equally heartbreaking "Without You," and from 1929 "More than you know." I was mush.
At this point he visited with us. He said this tour wasn't exactly around the world in 80 days, but nonetheless 30 days all over the U.S. and it was good to be home. In fact, he was so happy to be home, he couldn't wait to do laundry. Wait a minute, he says, yeah his wife knows "that fucker doesn't do laundry!" He was so funny and sincere. We were all in stitches. There were also ongoing jokes all night about it being a bad week for male genitalia, what with the lady cutting off her husband's you-know-what and tossing it in the garbage disposal. Eddie said he didn't know if he could do dishes now either, because he can't look at a garbage disposal!
From 1929 to sometime in the 70s he said, he did a lovely Pete Townshend song that Pete did on Uke originally, called "I Like Every Minute of the Day." It was so positive and uplifting, just what I need these days.
It surprised me that we were the first audience to hear "Longing to Belong," live, the big hit off "Ukulele songs." Apparently he needed his cellist, a guy from here named Chris. Stunning.
Eddie plugged in again and did a song I think from the "Dead Man Walking" soundtrack, but he also did two songs from "Into the Wild" throughout the night, which he scored. The final encore included "Hard Sun," which was unbelievable. He and Hansard did it together, and rocked the fucker out, with smoke and the whole rock star scene, first real rock-star moment in the night. That is such a cool song, too. Read the lyrics online. Devastating.
He did a few more PJ song's including "Around the Bend" and "Betterman," (one of my faves) on the acoustic guitar, and a lovely acoustic number called "Rise."
He's funny. He brought out a string section, (including PJ drummer Matt Cameron's wife), and said something about not getting boring, and they whaled out "Luken" a totally nutso rocker off "No Code," before the totally recognizable and beloved "Just Breathe," and "The End" from "Backspacer," PJ's brilliant last studio LP that should have won the Grammy (it was nominated). What's wrong with those fucking idiots?
Lights dimmed. Couldn't see Eddie. But then he went into a very long chant, and disappeared, only to come back to don a banjo for an old Cat Stevens song!! Brilliant! He slipped in the Beatles "You've Got to Hide your Love Away," which he did for the soundtrack of "I am Sam," and the audience totally sang the chorus. He followed with a song called "Fourth of July" by a band he admires called "X," - it was a brilliant song.
Glen Hansard came back out, and here came my other favorite moment. They stood together, center stage, no mics, nothing plugged in, and Eddie had his ukulele. He told us all to be quiet to see if they could pull this off. You could have heard a pin drop. These two men, stood side by side, singing "Sleepless Nights," and it was crystal clear. The audience erupted in madness when it was over. I about died.
That was shortly before "Falling Slowly," and I was a happy, emotional wreck. The boys plugged in again for a few more PJ songs, including "Porch," the only song they did off "Ten." What a shocker that was! "Hard Sun," was the big encore, they left, and Eddie came back for one more song, the standard, "Dream a Little Dream," off "Ukulele Songs."
I had to get this out. I don't think people understand me sometimes and my love for songs. Music has been a soundtrack for my life. Songs mean things to me. I can honestly say, other than the Beatles, no musician has touched my heart and soul like Eddie Vedder and also Pearl Jam. He said he was also glad to be home to get back to "the compound," with the boys, and how proud he was to be a member of that band. Pearl Jam will perform live at the end of September in Vancouver B.C., but they are not playing Seattle. I will be to weak to go up there, I am sure.
So, how am I? It's been a miserable, shitty week. I am so weak it's not funny. Thank God I only have to get A/C every other week or I would seriously want to die. I did want to die Monday and Tuesday. You have no idea how hard this is. Everything is a huge effort. Brushing my teeth, making my bed - victories. I feel amazingly okay today, in fact I even plan to go to the Nordstrom sale! But I run out of steam fast. I only worked 21.75 hours this week, a lot of it from home, but I got my stories in.
I keep telling myself, I'm doing the best I can.
Good news - I'm finally getting into a support group at Gilda's Club (after Gilda Radner). There are only like 13 Gilda's Clubs nationwide. It's all free, per her instructions before she died. They're really nice, but I had to wait because of demand, and they don't want the groups to be too big. I need to talk to other people experiencing this same thing. You cannot comprehend it if you've not lived it. Also, I never threw up all week! However, my big toe is hurting like hell again, and I'm worried it might be infected. I plan to call my doc when I wrap this up.
Infection is bad news with cancer.
Oh holy cow, more good news!!!! My dear, sweet, wonderful Joni is coming to be with me when I have my surgery, which will probably be in mid-September. I can't bear the thought of going through this without an old friend. It's going to be traumatic, I just know. I saw my breast surgeon this week, and he said it's day surgery, but I'll feel like shit for several days. And if I feel less like a woman if they have to take out a big chunk, I'll probably need another woman to cry on.
But last night......made life worth living again for a few hours.
Beauty first. To say I was blown away last night is an understatement. Here was my favorite (living) male singer, in beautiful Benaroya Hall, where no matter where you sit, it's good, and the sound is immaculate everywhere.
The opening act, Glen Hansard came on right in time. He's an Irishman, and totally fabulous. So this morning I was researching him, and he not only wrote the song "Falling Slowly," but he was in the movie "Once" for which it won the Oscar for best original song a couple years ago.
I bring this up, because the high point of the night was when he and Eddie performed the song together with acoustic guitars. My tears just flowed. It's the most beautiful song; it should be criminal. Google it. You'll cry, too.
Eddie's stage set was like his living room. Nice rug, trunks, a reel-to-reel player. The hometown crowd greeted him with ear-splitting applause - great, great crowd. Everything from old PJ fans to "kids."
He sauntered out casually, and went electric with a song called "Lucky Stars in your Eyes," by, I believe Daniel Johnston. That was a surprise to me that he plugged in so early since this is the tour behind Ukulele songs.
Ah, not to worry. The uke came out next with four in a row from "Ukulele Songs," first, "Can't Keep," which opens the CD and is a PJ song, the beautiful "Sleeping by Myself," and equally heartbreaking "Without You," and from 1929 "More than you know." I was mush.
At this point he visited with us. He said this tour wasn't exactly around the world in 80 days, but nonetheless 30 days all over the U.S. and it was good to be home. In fact, he was so happy to be home, he couldn't wait to do laundry. Wait a minute, he says, yeah his wife knows "that fucker doesn't do laundry!" He was so funny and sincere. We were all in stitches. There were also ongoing jokes all night about it being a bad week for male genitalia, what with the lady cutting off her husband's you-know-what and tossing it in the garbage disposal. Eddie said he didn't know if he could do dishes now either, because he can't look at a garbage disposal!
From 1929 to sometime in the 70s he said, he did a lovely Pete Townshend song that Pete did on Uke originally, called "I Like Every Minute of the Day." It was so positive and uplifting, just what I need these days.
It surprised me that we were the first audience to hear "Longing to Belong," live, the big hit off "Ukulele songs." Apparently he needed his cellist, a guy from here named Chris. Stunning.
Eddie plugged in again and did a song I think from the "Dead Man Walking" soundtrack, but he also did two songs from "Into the Wild" throughout the night, which he scored. The final encore included "Hard Sun," which was unbelievable. He and Hansard did it together, and rocked the fucker out, with smoke and the whole rock star scene, first real rock-star moment in the night. That is such a cool song, too. Read the lyrics online. Devastating.
He did a few more PJ song's including "Around the Bend" and "Betterman," (one of my faves) on the acoustic guitar, and a lovely acoustic number called "Rise."
He's funny. He brought out a string section, (including PJ drummer Matt Cameron's wife), and said something about not getting boring, and they whaled out "Luken" a totally nutso rocker off "No Code," before the totally recognizable and beloved "Just Breathe," and "The End" from "Backspacer," PJ's brilliant last studio LP that should have won the Grammy (it was nominated). What's wrong with those fucking idiots?
Lights dimmed. Couldn't see Eddie. But then he went into a very long chant, and disappeared, only to come back to don a banjo for an old Cat Stevens song!! Brilliant! He slipped in the Beatles "You've Got to Hide your Love Away," which he did for the soundtrack of "I am Sam," and the audience totally sang the chorus. He followed with a song called "Fourth of July" by a band he admires called "X," - it was a brilliant song.
Glen Hansard came back out, and here came my other favorite moment. They stood together, center stage, no mics, nothing plugged in, and Eddie had his ukulele. He told us all to be quiet to see if they could pull this off. You could have heard a pin drop. These two men, stood side by side, singing "Sleepless Nights," and it was crystal clear. The audience erupted in madness when it was over. I about died.
That was shortly before "Falling Slowly," and I was a happy, emotional wreck. The boys plugged in again for a few more PJ songs, including "Porch," the only song they did off "Ten." What a shocker that was! "Hard Sun," was the big encore, they left, and Eddie came back for one more song, the standard, "Dream a Little Dream," off "Ukulele Songs."
I had to get this out. I don't think people understand me sometimes and my love for songs. Music has been a soundtrack for my life. Songs mean things to me. I can honestly say, other than the Beatles, no musician has touched my heart and soul like Eddie Vedder and also Pearl Jam. He said he was also glad to be home to get back to "the compound," with the boys, and how proud he was to be a member of that band. Pearl Jam will perform live at the end of September in Vancouver B.C., but they are not playing Seattle. I will be to weak to go up there, I am sure.
So, how am I? It's been a miserable, shitty week. I am so weak it's not funny. Thank God I only have to get A/C every other week or I would seriously want to die. I did want to die Monday and Tuesday. You have no idea how hard this is. Everything is a huge effort. Brushing my teeth, making my bed - victories. I feel amazingly okay today, in fact I even plan to go to the Nordstrom sale! But I run out of steam fast. I only worked 21.75 hours this week, a lot of it from home, but I got my stories in.
I keep telling myself, I'm doing the best I can.
Good news - I'm finally getting into a support group at Gilda's Club (after Gilda Radner). There are only like 13 Gilda's Clubs nationwide. It's all free, per her instructions before she died. They're really nice, but I had to wait because of demand, and they don't want the groups to be too big. I need to talk to other people experiencing this same thing. You cannot comprehend it if you've not lived it. Also, I never threw up all week! However, my big toe is hurting like hell again, and I'm worried it might be infected. I plan to call my doc when I wrap this up.
Infection is bad news with cancer.
Oh holy cow, more good news!!!! My dear, sweet, wonderful Joni is coming to be with me when I have my surgery, which will probably be in mid-September. I can't bear the thought of going through this without an old friend. It's going to be traumatic, I just know. I saw my breast surgeon this week, and he said it's day surgery, but I'll feel like shit for several days. And if I feel less like a woman if they have to take out a big chunk, I'll probably need another woman to cry on.
But last night......made life worth living again for a few hours.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
So this is hell
I had my first dose of Adriamycin/Cytoxan Friday. This is the last phase of chemo, and it's only every other week, thank God, because it's kicking me in the ass. I felt okay, just tired Friday night, but had watery eyes from the Adriamycin. That drug is done with a "push" where the nurse (angel) actually sits there and slowly infuses it through my port. It's bright red and makes you pee funny colors for a day or two. It's important to drink a lot of water to flush it out of your bladder.
Cytoxan is a drip like the old stuff. There are many icky side effects from this cocktail, including nausea which I didn't have at all before, but I've been a little queasy all weekend. However, I haven't thrown up. I'm extremely tired, weepy, and dizzy. I only have to go through this every other week. It's awful. I feel like I just want to die.
My hairdresser took off what was left of my real hair Thursday after work. We left a stubble, so I look like GI Jane. What was left of my real hair looked worse. Like a man with male pattern baldness. It didn't traumatize me as bad as I thought it would, in fact it feels so much better. I even went to the grocery store with nothing on my head because I was hot. I figure if anyone says anything nasty, which no one did, I would simply tell them this is not a fashion statement, I'm sick.
I had a wonderful Fourth of July weekend with Jill and Vivian, and have yet to post pictures but I will. Brad got back from his trip to Montana Friday night, just in time to see me all sickly this weekend. But we did manage a little bit of the West Seattle Street Fair late in the afternoon, and a bite to eat, which I could hardly eat. He brought me back the most gorgeous Pashima in purple tones with little sparkles that looks fabulous with my pretty eggplant sundress I got in Paris. I hardly wear the dress here, because I didn't have a proper wrap for it and now I do! So my ensemble for next Friday night's big Eddie Vedder concert is complete, well, except now I want new shoes! What if Eddie sees me for God's sake!
So, life goes on, but it's hard. I need to go lay down now.
Cytoxan is a drip like the old stuff. There are many icky side effects from this cocktail, including nausea which I didn't have at all before, but I've been a little queasy all weekend. However, I haven't thrown up. I'm extremely tired, weepy, and dizzy. I only have to go through this every other week. It's awful. I feel like I just want to die.
My hairdresser took off what was left of my real hair Thursday after work. We left a stubble, so I look like GI Jane. What was left of my real hair looked worse. Like a man with male pattern baldness. It didn't traumatize me as bad as I thought it would, in fact it feels so much better. I even went to the grocery store with nothing on my head because I was hot. I figure if anyone says anything nasty, which no one did, I would simply tell them this is not a fashion statement, I'm sick.
I had a wonderful Fourth of July weekend with Jill and Vivian, and have yet to post pictures but I will. Brad got back from his trip to Montana Friday night, just in time to see me all sickly this weekend. But we did manage a little bit of the West Seattle Street Fair late in the afternoon, and a bite to eat, which I could hardly eat. He brought me back the most gorgeous Pashima in purple tones with little sparkles that looks fabulous with my pretty eggplant sundress I got in Paris. I hardly wear the dress here, because I didn't have a proper wrap for it and now I do! So my ensemble for next Friday night's big Eddie Vedder concert is complete, well, except now I want new shoes! What if Eddie sees me for God's sake!
So, life goes on, but it's hard. I need to go lay down now.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Another delay
I've felt pretty crappy all week. Very, very tired. Well, no wonder. My white count plummeted again, so I couldn't start the adriamycin/cytoxan (A/C) yesterday as planned. I got a neupogen shot to bring my counts up, and will start next Friday instead. So, now I won't be done with chemo until August 19 at the soonest. This is the harder stuff, so it's every other week.
My main problem this week is my right foot, specifically my right big toe. It hurts like a mother. Last fall, the toenail was starting to ingrow, so I went to a podiatrist and he whopped a sliver of it off to relieve the pain. It seemed to be doing fine for a while, then the toenail began lifting and beginning to hurt. I was also worried about catching it on something, and it tearing off, which I knew would send me through the roof.
I told Dr. Kaplan, and he had me see a different podiatrist, who agreed it had to come off. So, Wednesday morning I went in. It's a terribly painful procedure. The worst part is the shots to numb your toe first. You don't even feel the nail removal, but once the anesthetic wore off I was in excruciating pain. It still hurts.
It's never hurt this bad before when I've had a toenail removed, but this had some sort of "thing," a bump growing up under it, not a new nail pushing it up like I thought. So, he used silver nitrate to cauterize it, which also hurt like hell. Now it's black and disgusting.
I was in tears yesterday over my blood count, my foot, my brain dead-ness, everything. Cancer is hell.
I'm taking it pretty easy today. Brad is gone to Montana for a week, leaving yesterday. But tomorrow Jilly and Viv show up! They are my wonderful girls from Bend, Oregon (well, Jill and I worked together in real estate in Alaska). I had a connection, so I got us free tickets for a Mariners game tomorrow - vs. the San Diego Padres. We beat them last night 6-0! Go Mariners! So that will be fun. I haven't been to a game since I moved here.
Jill and Viv are staying through the Fourth of July, then leaving Tuesday morning, when I go back to work.
Work is a whole other issue. I'm really getting stressed out over the whole covering Sammamish thing. I was hired to work for the Mercer Island paper, and now I'm covering local government in Sammamish, too, which is a hard beat. And they want to change the format of the paper, combining it with Issaquah since they are so close together. I told my boss on Mercer Island, who I adore, that it's beginning to be too much stress for me. I'm doing the best I can.
I keep telling myself that. I'm doing the best I can.
My main problem this week is my right foot, specifically my right big toe. It hurts like a mother. Last fall, the toenail was starting to ingrow, so I went to a podiatrist and he whopped a sliver of it off to relieve the pain. It seemed to be doing fine for a while, then the toenail began lifting and beginning to hurt. I was also worried about catching it on something, and it tearing off, which I knew would send me through the roof.
I told Dr. Kaplan, and he had me see a different podiatrist, who agreed it had to come off. So, Wednesday morning I went in. It's a terribly painful procedure. The worst part is the shots to numb your toe first. You don't even feel the nail removal, but once the anesthetic wore off I was in excruciating pain. It still hurts.
It's never hurt this bad before when I've had a toenail removed, but this had some sort of "thing," a bump growing up under it, not a new nail pushing it up like I thought. So, he used silver nitrate to cauterize it, which also hurt like hell. Now it's black and disgusting.
I was in tears yesterday over my blood count, my foot, my brain dead-ness, everything. Cancer is hell.
I'm taking it pretty easy today. Brad is gone to Montana for a week, leaving yesterday. But tomorrow Jilly and Viv show up! They are my wonderful girls from Bend, Oregon (well, Jill and I worked together in real estate in Alaska). I had a connection, so I got us free tickets for a Mariners game tomorrow - vs. the San Diego Padres. We beat them last night 6-0! Go Mariners! So that will be fun. I haven't been to a game since I moved here.
Jill and Viv are staying through the Fourth of July, then leaving Tuesday morning, when I go back to work.
Work is a whole other issue. I'm really getting stressed out over the whole covering Sammamish thing. I was hired to work for the Mercer Island paper, and now I'm covering local government in Sammamish, too, which is a hard beat. And they want to change the format of the paper, combining it with Issaquah since they are so close together. I told my boss on Mercer Island, who I adore, that it's beginning to be too much stress for me. I'm doing the best I can.
I keep telling myself that. I'm doing the best I can.
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