Off with the hair

I 've decided it's time. My hair is really thinning, falling into my soup, etc. So, I'm having it buzzed Wednesday. It's just too gross - I want to do this on my own terms. The upside is my legs are staying pretty buff (I don't need to shave as much) and my skin looks great!
I'm not too depressed this week. We had a beautiful sunny day yesterday, which helped every one's attitude. It rained today, but we've got a shot of great weather coming in - just in time for our (Brad and I) big glamping trip this coming weekend! I'm so excited! For those of you not on Facebook who didn't see my link, our exact glampsite is on the cover of this month's Sunset magazine! I couldn't believe it! Tent 355 - where I was last time and I got it again! It's at Lakedale Resort on San Juan Island. I was there last fall, and loved it. Beautiful island, and totally cool setting. I'm so looking forward to it, and we have a whale watching outing booked!
Meantime, back to cancer, I've been concerned about weight gain - I mean I've been exercising the best I can and eating a ton of fruit and veggies. Well, guess what I found out Friday at chemo? One of my pre-meds has steroids in it!! I have about four pre-meds before the heavy stuff to guard against any bad side effects such as nausea. The first two times I had chemo, I had to take some steroids orally but then they stopped that because I wasn't having any horrible side effects to the taxol. But then I discovered there is still some in one of those damn pre-meds. So that explains the weight gain and some pretty goofy mood swings.
Dr. Kaplan has been gone the past two weeks, but he'll be back Friday, and I'm going to request we ramp down the steroids. I mean, I really am tolerating the chemo well. It's just still fatigue and memory that are causing me problems. But as Brad says, it's not forever. But, it will be a long year, and if I can get rid of the steroids I think I would feel better.
Okay, watch Facebook if you're on it for upcoming photos of me in my wig or some other groovy head covering! I hope it's a good week for everyone.

"I'm so tired....

I haven't slept a wink, I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink."
That's from the White Album, by the Beatles. Their music always lifts me up when I'm feeling down. When I do get to the pearly gates one day, after catching up with ma and pa, John and George are next! Then Princess Diana.
Okay, I digress. I am sleeping better, but I'm still so damn tired. For those of you who know me well, you know I don't relax easily, and I have a fierce need to be in control of my life. With cancer, that control is slipping away. And it's frustrating, and for me, depressing.
I'm doing well as far as the tumor continuing to shrink, and my blood count was awesome yesterday when I went in for treatment. My mind continues to wander with the chemo brain. This is not just like the usual 50-something "can't remember shit" syndrome. It's like having to read press releases sometimes multiple times to comprehend it, or walking with a cup to put in the dishwasher, and I'm heading to the bathroom. It drives me nuts.
My hair continues to thin. I did get a haircut last weekend. Mallory did not think it was time for the buzz yet, because it's not coming out in big clumps. But it's still heartbreaking for me.
I'm exercising, but I get hungrier than I used to, consequently I've gained about 3 pounds. Great. Fat, bald and forgetful.
I had four Alaskans in town last weekend, which was great, but I wore myself out. But, it was worth it. I hit the wall Monday though, and couldn't go to work at all. However, the IT department issued me a laptop (a Mac, yay!) so I can work when I'm not there. Our copy editor, little sweet Becca, told me I'm the first reporter she's seen get issued a laptop in her three years with the company. So I was stoked about that. I work on a big I-Mac at the office, and I swear one of these days I'm going to break down and get my own for home. I have become convinced that Mac is the way to go.
So, tomorrow is Mother's Day, and my baby is as far away as he's ever been from me, in Texas still, working. I miss him, and I'll probably cry tomorrow over how much I do miss him. My dear aunt Ebba died last week, which stung, but she was almost 93. She had a good life, but now only one of my mother's sisters is alive, Edith, who I am very close to. It's odd and painful losing the elders.
So, yeah, I'm a little depressed, but I guess it's normal given the circumstances.
I don't know if any of you ever read "The Shack," but it's about one man's journey to rediscover his faith in God after his young daughter is brutally murdered. It's a beautiful story, which I know a lot of Christians think is a little too off-the-wall, but I loved it and it meant a lot to me.
Tomorrow night, at the Wa-Mu Theater, "Stories from the Shack" debuts, and Brad and I are going. He hasn't read the book, and I don't know what he'll think, but I really want to see it. Danny Gokey, who was in the top five on American Idol a couple seasons back, is in it. He's very good. He had lost his young wife (I think to cancer) just before Idol and this book saved his life he said. So, it should be very emotional. I'll probably bawl!
Happy Mother's Day to all you fabulous mom's who read this. I wish I had my momma still to hold and cry on her shoulder sometimes.

Low white blood cell count, hair thinning

Last Friday when I went in for chemo, they did blood work first, as usual. No wonder I had been so tired all week - more so than usual. My white blood cell count was really low. They gave me my Herceptin but held back on the Taxol, which is the big gun, so I could get my white count back up. This is not unusual and will not set me back, but it scared me. With such a low white count the body cannot fight infection, so you're a real target to catch anything. So, I have been very careful to avoid anyone sneezing, coughing, etc.
Last weekend was great, seeing my old pals in Spokane/Coeur d'Alene, but far too quick. I was thrilled with the Empire Classic and how fabulous my friend Sherry looked. It had been years since I went to a bodybuilding competition, and it brought back a lot of memories. And, I got my baby fix, holding and talking to sweet little Quinn, my dear friend Erica's gorgeous little girl.
I have visited with the physical therapist, and instead of doing 30 minutes every other day on my elliptical, she wants me to do 15 minutes every day, so I've been doing that. Sometimes I do 20 minutes because it's easy for me, but they don't want me to get too worn out. We also added some resistance training this week - weenie weights, but it feels good. Baby steps are necessary so I don't get too tired, but exercise is proven to minimize the fatigue from chemo.
Lastly, yesterday and today I'm noticing hair starting to fall out. I was really upset yesterday morning especially. I know it's inevitable, but it is still shocking. It's not coming out in big gobs, but more than usual. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to get a haircut Saturday, but if it's going to fall out maybe I should just have Mallory buzz it, and I'll go to the wig. I see my doctor and have chemo tomorrow so I'll ask him what he thinks, and I will have Mallory sort of examine my scalp and see what she thinks. It's very emotionally taxing.

Chemo brain

This is a real term, for the forgetfulness and sort of fog your mind goes into with chemotherapy. It has definitely set in. It's very difficult to describe. It's a lot of what we all go through (like, why did I come into this room - to do what?), but worse. There's a disconnect, like your body and mind are on different journeys. So, I've been stricken! But, that and fatigue continue to be my only side effects, so for that I am grateful although they both suck.
I had an MRI last Thursday; it'd been about 5 weeks since I had one, and even my untrained eye could see the difference from the "before" film. You can actually see the tumor breaking up from this tight mass, to now seeing healthy breast tissue infiltrating it. It was great to see tangible results! I also had to have yet another dreaded biopsy, but it seems that with every procedure it gets easier.
Infusion number four went fine, too. I even managed to doze off a little, although sound sleep continues to elude me. However, they gave me some new sleeping pills that seem to be helping, although I feel pretty rough today. Last weekend was great, but I got too tired Sunday. Saturday I got to nap, then I took Brad out to dinner at the wonderful Book Bindery (a fabulous restaurant in Fremont) for his birthday, and we had a lovely time. Sunday I felt good, but my sister and her hubby rolled into town and I overdid it. They've been on a road trip, and I was the last stop before they headed up the Alaska Highway. I made a great dinner on my new barbecue, but I wore myself out. I'm still paying for it.
But, I finally broke down and hired a housekeeper, at least this once. They were still there when I left this morning for work, but yikes, they were really whaling on the place! So, I can relax tonight!
This coming weekend Brad and I are going to Spokane for an overnight, for friend Sherry's big show. She is competing in the Empire Classic, in the figure competition. I cannot wait to see the show, and all my "peeps" over there. It will be wonderful for me emotionally, just as it was really great to see my sister.

More fun coming up

I'm feeling pretty tired today, and sort of have the blues, but a couple of nice phone calls have cheered me up. This just gets old, being tired. But I managed to get back onto an exercise regimen of sorts this week, and hope to only improve upon it. It makes me feel so much better. The tumor continues to shrink. Dr. Kaplan is thrilled - he says it's really responding to the treatment. I can even tell the tissue is not as dense and hard. Thank God. This week is going to be rough. My work schedule is busy, and I have to have another MRI, and a dreaded biopsy Thursday (as part of the study). The MRI doesn't bother me at all, but I hate the biopsy. It hurts and leaves my breast all beat up for weeks. I shouldn't complain though. I'm definitely not slipping through the medical cracks. My team is so awesome, from Dr. Kaplan, to Barry and Heather, the research nurses, to all the various chemo nurses and volunteers who bring me tea or whatever I need during chemo. They are all angels. My sister Cheryle, and her husband Jerry will be swinging through this week for an overnight visit. I look forward to seeing her. They flew to Florida from Alaska to pick up a new truck, and are road-tripping their way back to Alaska visiting friends and family along the way. Oh, the shots brought my white blood count up to normal last week. I only have to have one this week. They kind of gross me out because they have to be given in the belly. I just don't look, and I'm okay. The right side of my chest still looks a little funky from the port being put in, but at least it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I don't know what else to say right now. Need to lay down. Thanks to all for listening.

Progress

I saw my medical oncologist before my second blast of chemo yesterday, and the good news is, the tumor is already shrinking! He said it was remarkable. I've had no really icky side effects, other than fatigue, and I was pretty sore all week from the surgery to put the port in. I hate that that thing is in me. I don't know why, but it totally grosses me out. But, it beats getting stuck by needles every week. The week was a little rough. I was on pain killers for the pain from the incisions, but they made me feel too goofy so I got off them by Tuesday. They also constipate the hell out of you, which is no fun. I'm tired today - I didn't sleep well even though they pumped me full of drugs yesterday. My white blood count is down, which is not unusual, so I have to get some shots this coming week to bring it up before next Friday's infusion. The white blood cells boost your ability to fight stuff, so it's important that they don't drop too low. But everything else is cool. I've had very little nausea, in fact I haven't tossed it once. The fatigue is the most frustrating part. I'm so used to being so independent and just going and going, that this sort of kills me. I'm also seeing a psychiatric oncologist (they have everything) and she told me I have permission to rest and take care of myself and to include some fun in my life, not just have my life consumed with cancer, work and errands, which is what it feels like. I need to get back exercising, too. That's next week's goal. Meantime, I am scheduling some fun things. It's obvious I can't leave for a real vacation, but little get-aways and events will make me happy. Tonight Brad and I are going on a "date." Dinner at Dahlia downtown, followed by the Broadway musical "Billy Elliot" at the beautiful Paramount theater. I'm very excited and I'm going to dress up! April 16th is Brad's birthday, and I have a reservation at the fabulous Book Bindery restaurant in Fremont. It's fairly new, and spectacular. April 23rd we are going to Spokane for one night to see my dear friend, Sherry, compete in her first fitness competition. She looks amazing. I was a bodybuilder in the 80s (true story) so I am really looking forward to this. It's hard, hard work. Ten of us will be cheering her on, all the groovy Spokesman Review gang I worked with. Sadly, only two or three of them still work there! But they were the best, and I'm still very endeared to all those peeps. Then in May, I'm taking Brad to my fabulous "glamp" site for two nights on San Juan Island. It's so beautiful and relaxing. They are having a half-off special, and since I stayed there before they sent me an e-mail. Now, Brad's a real camper, he's never been "glamping," but I think he'll get a kick out of it. If you're not familiar with my glamping experience, I have an earlier post on it. Love that place. Oh, and I must mention the coming concert season! Of course I am still holding tickets for U2 at Qwest Field, now on June 4 after it being cancelled last year due to Bono's back injury. My dearest Colleen will be here from Alaska for the occasion! And just yesterday....drum roll.....Brad and I got killer tickets to see my true love Eddie Vedder, solo, July 15, in beautiful Benaroya Hall. I'm so stoked!!!! He's touring behind a solo CD of ukulele songs. I cannot, cannot wait. I keep hoping I'll run into him somewhere, as he lives in West Seattle, and people do see him, but I think he stays under the radar. I'd probably faint. For those of you who, God forbid, do not know who Eddie Vedder is, he's the lead singer for Pearl Jam, and the finest rock baritone ever to live, and a fine, fine humanitarian, and hunk of man. Brad understands. Eddie's married anyway! Sigh. I can still let the music touch my soul. Little things to look forward to make me feel like I can deal.

Port Surgery, first day of chemo went well

I'm okay! It was a long scary day, but still got a few one-liners in with the docs - I made Dr. Beatty show me his hands, to be sure they weren't shaking before we went into the OR! I crack myself up! Anyway, lots of waiting around, putting on a lovely hospital ensemble and all of that before I got anywhere near the OR. Brad was with me the whole time until I shuffled into super sterile land. I didn't get emotional until I laid on the table in there. It's so cold and so bright, lots of nurses bustling around. Then the anesthesiologist started to do his magic, and the last thing I remember is asking them if they watch "Grey's Anatomy," and I never got an answer.
It was about a 45 minute procedure. When I came around they transferred me to a different gurney, (just like Grey's - they counted one, two three) and wheeled me into another area where I got ice chips which were a God send since I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since Thursday night. By now it was 2 p.m. Then I went to the official post-op, and finally up to the C-Pod where Brad could join me. I had crackers, jello and coffee and it seemed like the best thing on earth. Eventually they got all the IV crap out of me, and I could see the dressing over the port with the tubing hanging out (which isn't there always, but they kept it on since I was going over to the cancer center for chemo.)
Once out of the lovely hospital attire, we went immediately to the cancer center for my chemo. So, it turns out that the study randomizes you to decide if you're getting the new drugs or not, and I'm not! I'm getting the standard treatment, which is Taxil and Herceptin every week for 12 weeks,then they switch me to A/C for the next 12 weeks, every third week. I'm not upset, but they have to compare the existing system to folks on the new drug to see if there's any difference. I'm still in the study, and they will be watching me like a hawk. They'll do an MRI in three weeks to see if anything is happening, i.e. if the tumor has shrunk, as well as another biopsy, which I hate. But these are not normally done, so I'm still getting rock star treatment.
Once in the chemo chair - in a nice private room with TV, etc. they brought me a complimentary sack lunch with a nice veggie sandwich, an apple and a cookie. I wolfed it. This first chemo took forever. First they spend a half hour putting in pre-treatment drugs - anti nausea, benadryl in case of an allergic reaction, (that made me really woozy - it's not like just taking the pill when it goes right in you) and two others I forgot, with frequent saline flushes. Then came the Taxil, which went in very slowly (over an hour). I got a slight wave of nausea, but it passed quickly. When Dr. Kaplan came I told him about that, so he prescribed an anti-nausea medicine but I haven't filled it yet, and I feel fine this morning, just a little sore at the incision spot, but I have pain killers for that.
But Kaplan and Barry (my study group/nurse oncologist guy, who I adore) said I was doing really well. If I were going to react to the Taxil, it would have happened in the first 15 minutes. Oh! Dr. Kaplan said not to go and shave my head, because often times you don't lose your hair until I get to the A/C! But I'm still going to get the wig and some head covers to have on standby. Meantime Brad went out a while to go home and let Abbey out to pee and feed her, and get himself some food as it was now 7-ish. He brought me back a cup of chicken noodle soup, which was great.
The Herceptin infusion was a piece of cake. About an hour. There are very few, if any, side effects with Herceptin. After a final saline flush, and a change on my dressing, we were out of there at 9 p.m. Long, long, day. I was in bed an hour later and slept pretty good. I took a pain killer when I got up, but I really feel pretty darn good this morning. A little shaky.
So, it has begun. Cancer killing is underway! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I love you all.