With all my caregivers gone, I'm trying to rest up, get caught up and pursue looking for work with more enthusiasm, although I don't know if I could work yet. I get so darn tired. I'm three weeks post-op now. Made it to Aerosmith with Col last Wednesday night, and slept in the next day. Yesterday I did make it to yet another concert, this one an earlier show because it was at the Zoo (part of their Zootunes series), and they always start at 6 p.m. sharp and don't go much later than 9 because of neighboring homes I imagine. So, I was home by 8:45 or so.
I saw Melissa Ethridge, one of my favorite ladies of rock. I saw her once before, years ago, before she had breast cancer. I could tell it changed her, too. She's one of those artists who talks to the audience between songs, and you can actually understand her! She said she's eight years cancer free now - I figured it had been awhile - plus her hair is long again!
So when she opened her encore with "I Walk For Life," which she wrote after the whole cancer thing, it was really emotional for me, tears welling up in my eyes.
I had an epiphany, too. I think one of the reasons I love rock so much, is that I understand the message so well. Rock and blues musicians speak to me - I get it. It's the soundtrack of my life. They express thoughts and feelings about life as I would like to.
Before "I'm The Only One," one my favorites of hers, Melissa pointed out that we are the only ones who truly get it - about who we are. I need to take care of myself - it's my life, you know? I mean, I know this, but it's good to be reminded.
So, enough of the philosophy of rock and roll! She is a rock star, but not flashy. She opened with "Fearless Love," and "Your Little Secret," before launching into a killer blues jam. She can certainly hold her own on the axe, let me tell you.
"I Want to Come Over," was performed with a whole lot of yearning, then she did "You Can't Always Get What You Want," doing the Stones proud. Loved it.
She's funny, too. Her belt broke, so her wardrobe/hair/makeup guy had to come out with a new belt or "her britches would fall down." She turned it into an amusing little dance while she strummed guitar and he circled her putting on the new belt. She said she was helpless, hapless (?) without him!
She also applauded her male fans, saying they were the best, because it took a lot of guts to admit they were Melissa Ethridge fans! She's gay if you don't know.
Of course she did "Come to my Window." When she travels she said people will ask her what she does, and she tells them she's an entertainer. They'll ask, "Do you play guitar?" Yes. "Do you sing?" Yes. Then she says, you know that window song?? OOhhh! They immediately know who she is!
She's got a new album coming out Sept. 4 and did a couple of songs off of it, one called "Falling Up," that was particularly good.
The rest of my week is pretty dull. Right now I have a massage scheduled for Thursday with Naomi again, still trying to get my back straightened out. I may also have an informational interview for a job; keep your fingers crossed.
No doctors until the last week of August. I'm going to have withdrawals! It's really scary to have the doctor's appointments thinning out. All normal, or so I hear.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Worse than childbirth
Now that it's over, I think I'm going to be extremely happy I made the decision I did. But I'm still extremely tired and sore from the TRAM-flap. If I had known how much pain I would be in I might have chickened out. I told Taylor I think I'd rather have given birth to him 10 times over.
The days leading up to the surgery were the calm before the storm. I was sore from the delay procedure, but when Laurie arrived for "first shift" as my nurse Saturday night, we had a little wine and visited, then the next day had brunch at the Book Bindery, followed by a ride on the Great Seattle Wheel on Pier 57, a new feature to the Emerald City.
I hardly slept. I was totally awake by 3 a.m. and just gave up. We were at the hospital right on time at 5:40 a.m. - O'dark hundred. Being early on the OR schedule, there was no waiting unlike with my mastectomy where I was in the holding area a grueling six hours. It was frightening moving along so quickly. When it was time to say goodbye to Laurie, I wasn't ready. This time while waiting to be conked out, I was regaling the anesthesiologist and staff with the story of my emergency appendectomy during the time I was going through chemo, then I was in recovery. Funny how they always shut me up!
I was in recovery for two hours. I couldn't feel the pain as I still had tons of drugs in me, plus a catheter, IV and three drains. Laurie finally got to see me when they took me to my room on the 11th floor, and she told me Dr. Isik said it went very well, but it took a little longer than expected because the tissue was harder than he anticipated. Ha! Pilates! It was 3 p.m.
I wasn't really hungry, so after awhile I had some jello and vanilla wafers. Laurie took off to go take care of sweet Abbey, and to have dinner with another friend of hers who was in Seattle visiting from New York. I was happy she had someone else to entertain her. Mira came to see me at 8 p.m. until 9 p.m. and we laughed and she and nurse Bonnie were marveling about how good I looked. Bonnie said most people have a gray pallor right out of surgery, and she was stunned that I had color in my face. Note: I HAD NOT slipped into any makeup! Anyway, Mira said the funniest thing - she said "surgery becomes you." I laughed until it was hurting and I had to quit!
One hour later all hell broke loose. All the big drugs must have worn off because I was in excruciating pain. It took Bonnie until 11:30 to get me comfortable. I was shaking, crying, wishing I'd just die.
I said to her, "how can I go home tomorrow? I can hardly move?"
She was a tough bird. She said by golly, I have patient's rights, and if I don't want to go home Tuesday I don't have to. I stayed.
Dr. Isik came in Tuesday morning and I told him I couldn't possibly go home and have Laurie dealing with this pile of mush that can't even move, and he was fine with that. They took my catheter out, which meant I was going to have to get up to go to the bathroom. It was so much effort. Then, I couldn't sit low enough to reach it, so they had to bring in a high-rise toilet. My first walk to the nurses station and back was total hell. I didn't think I'd make it. What had I done?
Much to my amazement, by Wednesday morning, not only was I able to go the regular toilet by myself, I could walk a short distance. Bonnie had gone home early in the morning, and I had another wonderful nurse, Megan most of Tuesday. But then dipshit Trang came back (I had her in the beginning) and I was getting pissed. She was the most inept nurse ever. Totally stupid. I had snapped at her more than once about making me wait for my pain medication. I said to her, "I don't think you realize how much pain I'm in - this is not make-believe." Then I waited an hour to get a diet Sierra Mist and chicken noodle soup (Campbell's sucky soup), and I was ready to get out of there. I was home by 3 p.m. and felt better already in my own digs. Abbey was thrilled to see me, but we had to be very careful to keep her from jumping on my belly. I think she understood something was up with mom - what, she wasn't sure, but she's been a really good girl.
All was pretty quiet for the next 48 hours. I slept a lot. Laurie was fine - she was confident enough to go here and there in her car, but she stayed close to home after I got out of the hospital. So, Thursday, Taryn arrived for shift number two. Both would stay that night. In advance I had gone to one of those places where you put dinners together in advance and freeze them, so I had a nice cod in I think some sort of lemon sauce, which they prepared along with a really good salad, and Taryn brought some awesome lemon bread from a bakery in Idaho.
Now, let me tell you, pain killers - any kind - have one really nasty side effect. Constipation. I had been taking a stool softener daily, but it was Thursday now, and I hadn't moved the earth since Sunday. I was miserable. When the girls ran out to the store, they got me some Milk of Magnesia, which the doc said was fine. I swigged a capful and was off to the bathroom. Once again I wanted to die. I didn't realize it, but I was in there an hour and 45 minutes screaming, moaning, begging for mercy while they held dinner. I know they were cracking up, but it wasn't funny. So, finally I yelled for whoever was brave enough to crack open the bathroom door and hand me my medical marijuana because it helps move things, too. Taryn dashes in and delivers the goods. In retrospect, it was hilarious. She came back again, for what I've forgotten, but she swears she got a second hand high. It's amazing the bathroom didn't explode.
Suffice it to say, I was exhausted, but I did enjoy my dinner. I was in bed not too much later. Then, I had a nightmare and woke up screaming and both of them came running into my bedroom. A few hours later, I thought Abbey was crying so everyone got up again. Lord, I have such wonderful friends.
Laurie left bright and early, so now Taryn had to deal with me on her own.
Taryn is a small town girl, so I was amazed when she said she'd come to the big city to take care of me. So, she didn't go anywhere except to walk Abbey for days! Let me digress for a moment to Abbey. She's so funny. At first, she wouldn't walk with Laurie. She'd plant her ass on the sidewalk and refuse to move. Momma wasn't there. But soon she realized if she wanted to be walked, she didn't have much of a choice. Taryn arrives. Same drill. She digs her heels in and won't budge. It was so funny - finally Taryn had to run to get her moving, then Abbey would go! I can only imagine what that looked like outside! I took her for a very short walk today, and she was very happy, although I walk at a snail's pace. So, now she needed to get ready for Colleen. If she wants a serious walk, I'm not there yet. She's so damn spoiled! It turned out, she walked just fine for Colleen, because I think she remembers Col, since she is down here a few times each year.
By Sunday, Taryn's dad, Carl, step-mom Shelley, and half-brother, Rick, were able to come and rescue her and take her to lunch and out and about a bit in West Seattle. They came in and visited with me on both ends. What a nice couple, and I had never met Rick, and he's a neat kid. He's 23 and was in a band, so I asked him if he was the rock star, and he looked at me sort of hesitantly, and shrugged and said, sure!
The next day, I was thrilled because I got my drains out! All three of them. The "C" drain, out the right side of my abdomen filled the most, but it was well below 30ml in a 24-hour period. So they were only in a week, compared to three weeks with my mastectomy drain, which I thought was interesting because this was a much more invasive procedure. With no icky stuff hanging out of me, Taryn and I were able to enjoy a nice dinner at a West Seattle place called Blackboard Bistro that evening. I was so happy to get out.
In addition to the obvious pain from my wounds, my back hurt like a mo-fo. I've had lower back problems anyway, but walking with a slight stoop from my belly hurting, made it worse. Much to my amazement, Naomi, the best massage therapist I've found here, makes house calls! She came with her table, to my home, and massaged the hell out of my back, relieving a great deal of pressure and pain. I plan to go to her again, soon. It really, really helped. By mid-week I was able to see Dr. Isik and he was thrilled with my progress. That was 10 days out. He took off the steri-strips, any remaining stitches and said he'd see me in a month! A month?! But as I write this none of my guts have fallen out!
Dr. Isik told me to keep paper tape over my abdominal incision 24/7, changing it when I showered, and it would greatly reduce scarring. Who knew? As far as the breast incisions, he said one positive to radiation, is that the tissue won't scar. Again, who knew. I feel like the bride of Frankenstein right now, but it will be awesome when I'm all healed.
When Taryn and I went to get my drains out, one of the nurses who had this procedure years ago, showed us her boobs and her belly and we were duly impressed! But it was so funny to suddenly be flashed by this woman we didn't know. We told Dr. Isik about it, and he smiled and said, "everybody has seen her boobs but me." He didn't do her surgery because this was before she knew him, so it was really funny!
Taryn rolled out Thursday, and Colleen arrived late that night from Anchorage. She got the easier shift because I'm able now to do more for myself, but I do get tired easily and I still sleep a lot. We did make it to a good vantage point Friday, to see the Blue Angels perform in day one of their Seafair performances, and as usual they were breathtaking. We totally lucked out finding a parking place, and then ending up at this same little spot I found two years ago. Saturday night we had dinner at the wonderful Book Bindery. I seem to take all my out of town guests there! It's so damn good! We shared a bottle of wine, which I hadn't done in a while, and boy, did I sleep that night, then had to take a nap and go to bed early the next night. Oh boy.
Hopefully I will have more strength in two days, as we have tickets to see Aerosmith at the Tacoma Dome. I plan to take a good nap in the afternoon! I figure I can do this - after all, I was at the U2 concert last year one week after the appendectomy! Rock-n-roll is always a priority!!!!
The days leading up to the surgery were the calm before the storm. I was sore from the delay procedure, but when Laurie arrived for "first shift" as my nurse Saturday night, we had a little wine and visited, then the next day had brunch at the Book Bindery, followed by a ride on the Great Seattle Wheel on Pier 57, a new feature to the Emerald City.
I hardly slept. I was totally awake by 3 a.m. and just gave up. We were at the hospital right on time at 5:40 a.m. - O'dark hundred. Being early on the OR schedule, there was no waiting unlike with my mastectomy where I was in the holding area a grueling six hours. It was frightening moving along so quickly. When it was time to say goodbye to Laurie, I wasn't ready. This time while waiting to be conked out, I was regaling the anesthesiologist and staff with the story of my emergency appendectomy during the time I was going through chemo, then I was in recovery. Funny how they always shut me up!
I was in recovery for two hours. I couldn't feel the pain as I still had tons of drugs in me, plus a catheter, IV and three drains. Laurie finally got to see me when they took me to my room on the 11th floor, and she told me Dr. Isik said it went very well, but it took a little longer than expected because the tissue was harder than he anticipated. Ha! Pilates! It was 3 p.m.
I wasn't really hungry, so after awhile I had some jello and vanilla wafers. Laurie took off to go take care of sweet Abbey, and to have dinner with another friend of hers who was in Seattle visiting from New York. I was happy she had someone else to entertain her. Mira came to see me at 8 p.m. until 9 p.m. and we laughed and she and nurse Bonnie were marveling about how good I looked. Bonnie said most people have a gray pallor right out of surgery, and she was stunned that I had color in my face. Note: I HAD NOT slipped into any makeup! Anyway, Mira said the funniest thing - she said "surgery becomes you." I laughed until it was hurting and I had to quit!
One hour later all hell broke loose. All the big drugs must have worn off because I was in excruciating pain. It took Bonnie until 11:30 to get me comfortable. I was shaking, crying, wishing I'd just die.
I said to her, "how can I go home tomorrow? I can hardly move?"
She was a tough bird. She said by golly, I have patient's rights, and if I don't want to go home Tuesday I don't have to. I stayed.
Dr. Isik came in Tuesday morning and I told him I couldn't possibly go home and have Laurie dealing with this pile of mush that can't even move, and he was fine with that. They took my catheter out, which meant I was going to have to get up to go to the bathroom. It was so much effort. Then, I couldn't sit low enough to reach it, so they had to bring in a high-rise toilet. My first walk to the nurses station and back was total hell. I didn't think I'd make it. What had I done?
Much to my amazement, by Wednesday morning, not only was I able to go the regular toilet by myself, I could walk a short distance. Bonnie had gone home early in the morning, and I had another wonderful nurse, Megan most of Tuesday. But then dipshit Trang came back (I had her in the beginning) and I was getting pissed. She was the most inept nurse ever. Totally stupid. I had snapped at her more than once about making me wait for my pain medication. I said to her, "I don't think you realize how much pain I'm in - this is not make-believe." Then I waited an hour to get a diet Sierra Mist and chicken noodle soup (Campbell's sucky soup), and I was ready to get out of there. I was home by 3 p.m. and felt better already in my own digs. Abbey was thrilled to see me, but we had to be very careful to keep her from jumping on my belly. I think she understood something was up with mom - what, she wasn't sure, but she's been a really good girl.
All was pretty quiet for the next 48 hours. I slept a lot. Laurie was fine - she was confident enough to go here and there in her car, but she stayed close to home after I got out of the hospital. So, Thursday, Taryn arrived for shift number two. Both would stay that night. In advance I had gone to one of those places where you put dinners together in advance and freeze them, so I had a nice cod in I think some sort of lemon sauce, which they prepared along with a really good salad, and Taryn brought some awesome lemon bread from a bakery in Idaho.
Now, let me tell you, pain killers - any kind - have one really nasty side effect. Constipation. I had been taking a stool softener daily, but it was Thursday now, and I hadn't moved the earth since Sunday. I was miserable. When the girls ran out to the store, they got me some Milk of Magnesia, which the doc said was fine. I swigged a capful and was off to the bathroom. Once again I wanted to die. I didn't realize it, but I was in there an hour and 45 minutes screaming, moaning, begging for mercy while they held dinner. I know they were cracking up, but it wasn't funny. So, finally I yelled for whoever was brave enough to crack open the bathroom door and hand me my medical marijuana because it helps move things, too. Taryn dashes in and delivers the goods. In retrospect, it was hilarious. She came back again, for what I've forgotten, but she swears she got a second hand high. It's amazing the bathroom didn't explode.
Suffice it to say, I was exhausted, but I did enjoy my dinner. I was in bed not too much later. Then, I had a nightmare and woke up screaming and both of them came running into my bedroom. A few hours later, I thought Abbey was crying so everyone got up again. Lord, I have such wonderful friends.
Laurie left bright and early, so now Taryn had to deal with me on her own.
Taryn is a small town girl, so I was amazed when she said she'd come to the big city to take care of me. So, she didn't go anywhere except to walk Abbey for days! Let me digress for a moment to Abbey. She's so funny. At first, she wouldn't walk with Laurie. She'd plant her ass on the sidewalk and refuse to move. Momma wasn't there. But soon she realized if she wanted to be walked, she didn't have much of a choice. Taryn arrives. Same drill. She digs her heels in and won't budge. It was so funny - finally Taryn had to run to get her moving, then Abbey would go! I can only imagine what that looked like outside! I took her for a very short walk today, and she was very happy, although I walk at a snail's pace. So, now she needed to get ready for Colleen. If she wants a serious walk, I'm not there yet. She's so damn spoiled! It turned out, she walked just fine for Colleen, because I think she remembers Col, since she is down here a few times each year.
By Sunday, Taryn's dad, Carl, step-mom Shelley, and half-brother, Rick, were able to come and rescue her and take her to lunch and out and about a bit in West Seattle. They came in and visited with me on both ends. What a nice couple, and I had never met Rick, and he's a neat kid. He's 23 and was in a band, so I asked him if he was the rock star, and he looked at me sort of hesitantly, and shrugged and said, sure!
The next day, I was thrilled because I got my drains out! All three of them. The "C" drain, out the right side of my abdomen filled the most, but it was well below 30ml in a 24-hour period. So they were only in a week, compared to three weeks with my mastectomy drain, which I thought was interesting because this was a much more invasive procedure. With no icky stuff hanging out of me, Taryn and I were able to enjoy a nice dinner at a West Seattle place called Blackboard Bistro that evening. I was so happy to get out.
In addition to the obvious pain from my wounds, my back hurt like a mo-fo. I've had lower back problems anyway, but walking with a slight stoop from my belly hurting, made it worse. Much to my amazement, Naomi, the best massage therapist I've found here, makes house calls! She came with her table, to my home, and massaged the hell out of my back, relieving a great deal of pressure and pain. I plan to go to her again, soon. It really, really helped. By mid-week I was able to see Dr. Isik and he was thrilled with my progress. That was 10 days out. He took off the steri-strips, any remaining stitches and said he'd see me in a month! A month?! But as I write this none of my guts have fallen out!
Dr. Isik told me to keep paper tape over my abdominal incision 24/7, changing it when I showered, and it would greatly reduce scarring. Who knew? As far as the breast incisions, he said one positive to radiation, is that the tissue won't scar. Again, who knew. I feel like the bride of Frankenstein right now, but it will be awesome when I'm all healed.
When Taryn and I went to get my drains out, one of the nurses who had this procedure years ago, showed us her boobs and her belly and we were duly impressed! But it was so funny to suddenly be flashed by this woman we didn't know. We told Dr. Isik about it, and he smiled and said, "everybody has seen her boobs but me." He didn't do her surgery because this was before she knew him, so it was really funny!
Taryn rolled out Thursday, and Colleen arrived late that night from Anchorage. She got the easier shift because I'm able now to do more for myself, but I do get tired easily and I still sleep a lot. We did make it to a good vantage point Friday, to see the Blue Angels perform in day one of their Seafair performances, and as usual they were breathtaking. We totally lucked out finding a parking place, and then ending up at this same little spot I found two years ago. Saturday night we had dinner at the wonderful Book Bindery. I seem to take all my out of town guests there! It's so damn good! We shared a bottle of wine, which I hadn't done in a while, and boy, did I sleep that night, then had to take a nap and go to bed early the next night. Oh boy.
Hopefully I will have more strength in two days, as we have tickets to see Aerosmith at the Tacoma Dome. I plan to take a good nap in the afternoon! I figure I can do this - after all, I was at the U2 concert last year one week after the appendectomy! Rock-n-roll is always a priority!!!!
Monday, July 16, 2012
This was an easy one
Had the delay procedure this morning and I'm doing fine, albeit a little woozy from pain killers. This was done in the small OR at the Polyclinic where Dr. Isik has his practice. Next Monday I'll be in the "big house" as I like to call it, aka Swedish Hospital on Broadway where I had all my other surgeries.
It hurt when the anesthesiologist first started to push the night-night stuff into me, then I heard them saying my name, and it was over. My first though was, oh my God, I overslept and missed it!
I've got gauze and steri-strips over the two incisions. I can take the gauze off tomorrow. Jim is here and I'm just taking it easy.
This is funny - it's a beautiful day, so after I got up from a nap, we were sitting outside eating tuna sandwiches. My cute neighbor came by with her new baby, so I got up to coo over the baby. Well, Jim was too busy looking at the cute neighbor (she is adorable - slim little thing that doesn't even look like she just had a baby), and while he was gawking, Abbey made off with 1/2 his sandwich! Serves him right! Don't be too concerned; he was on his second sandwich. So, Abbey scored big time. Good dog!
Okay, I'm laying low, but just wanted to report that I lived.
It hurt when the anesthesiologist first started to push the night-night stuff into me, then I heard them saying my name, and it was over. My first though was, oh my God, I overslept and missed it!
I've got gauze and steri-strips over the two incisions. I can take the gauze off tomorrow. Jim is here and I'm just taking it easy.
This is funny - it's a beautiful day, so after I got up from a nap, we were sitting outside eating tuna sandwiches. My cute neighbor came by with her new baby, so I got up to coo over the baby. Well, Jim was too busy looking at the cute neighbor (she is adorable - slim little thing that doesn't even look like she just had a baby), and while he was gawking, Abbey made off with 1/2 his sandwich! Serves him right! Don't be too concerned; he was on his second sandwich. So, Abbey scored big time. Good dog!
Okay, I'm laying low, but just wanted to report that I lived.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
I had a little pity party
I apologize to those who saw my Facebook post I put up briefly last night, before taking it down. But it seems it still lived somewhere, because I had several responses. Scary pre-op appointment, and 3/4 of a bottle of wine among other things sent me into a major funk. I'm sorry.
I did see Dr. Beatty Monday, my original breast surgeon, and it was great to see him. He's so caring and supportive. He was very reassuring about the reconstructive surgery. He said I'm in excellent hands with Dr. Isik, and I will wake up, not to worry. Even after reconstruction, I may never have normal feeling in my left breast again, which is a bummer. I basically have no feeling there from nerve damage.
I'm not so worried about the delay procedure this coming Monday. It's going to be a breeze compared to the 23rd. It will just be a small incision, enough for Dr. Isik to ligate some blood vessels. But I'll be goofy all day from the drugs. The 23rd is a different story.
When I had my mastectomy, I had to deal with a drain for what seemed like forever. They sort of look like a hand grenade, and fill with God knows what that comes out of your body - fluid you don't want building up. My sister, Cheryle, knew how much I hated that thing, mainly because it hurt. Well, after this surgery I get the thrill of not one, but two drains, and this other device that will be hanging out of me so I can dose myself with pain med. I can't OD - it's designed to only allow you to dose once an hour. I do get to stay in the hospital a day or two, but I'll be coming home with all of this crap hanging out of me and it just upsets me so much. That and being under anesthesia for 6 hours.
So, I sort of lost it. But I'm better today after taking a nap, and basically not going anywhere. I did write a story today for my old employer, and I am getting paid out of their not so lucrative freelance budget.
The story is upsetting to me, too. It's a follow up about an aspiring figure skater, who has real potential. The kicker is - and this isn't in the story to save the girl from ridicule at school - her family has recently become homeless. She just won a competition in Everett and has serious Olympic aspirations. She is very good. But it just pisses me off, the situation. Her mom, who is a single mom, lost her job two years ago after 23 years with the same company and things are just unraveling.
Then, a dear friend of mine lost her job this week - another professional just like me. I am beginning to wonder what the hell is happening to this country. I don't want to get into politics here, but I'm having a hard time with the state of the economy and how it is ruining people's lives. I'm sure as hell not voting for Romney - he won't give a rat's ass about people like me, but I'm losing faith in Obama even though I admire him greatly.
Once I'm all better and over with all of my cancer treatments and surgeries, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have a real job again. The odds aren't good for folks my age. But I still continue to apply for jobs, even if no one responds, so I can continue to be honest in receiving my unemployment. Oh, yeah, and those rat bastards at the Department of Labor sent me a letter, which came yesterday, adding to my anger and frustration. They are going to audit me next week to be sure I really am looking for work.
Let me at them. I've got all the proof. Bastards.
So, I think freelancing and minding my investments are my best options right now, especially since I will require 4-6 weeks to recover from the surgery.
It's looking hopeful that NW Yachting is going to pick up my story on the Schooner Zodiac adventure, too, so I picked up a hard copy of the magazine yesterday at a local marina shop. It's sort of like a big tabloid, with lots and lots of ads for boats of all kind for sale. I'm intrigued now with the idea of just buying a boat I can live on, figuring out where to moor it, and write and be at peace someday. It doesn't seem like the normal "American dream" is going to happen to me, whatever that normal is. So, why not? I can sail away.
I did see Dr. Beatty Monday, my original breast surgeon, and it was great to see him. He's so caring and supportive. He was very reassuring about the reconstructive surgery. He said I'm in excellent hands with Dr. Isik, and I will wake up, not to worry. Even after reconstruction, I may never have normal feeling in my left breast again, which is a bummer. I basically have no feeling there from nerve damage.
I'm not so worried about the delay procedure this coming Monday. It's going to be a breeze compared to the 23rd. It will just be a small incision, enough for Dr. Isik to ligate some blood vessels. But I'll be goofy all day from the drugs. The 23rd is a different story.
When I had my mastectomy, I had to deal with a drain for what seemed like forever. They sort of look like a hand grenade, and fill with God knows what that comes out of your body - fluid you don't want building up. My sister, Cheryle, knew how much I hated that thing, mainly because it hurt. Well, after this surgery I get the thrill of not one, but two drains, and this other device that will be hanging out of me so I can dose myself with pain med. I can't OD - it's designed to only allow you to dose once an hour. I do get to stay in the hospital a day or two, but I'll be coming home with all of this crap hanging out of me and it just upsets me so much. That and being under anesthesia for 6 hours.
So, I sort of lost it. But I'm better today after taking a nap, and basically not going anywhere. I did write a story today for my old employer, and I am getting paid out of their not so lucrative freelance budget.
The story is upsetting to me, too. It's a follow up about an aspiring figure skater, who has real potential. The kicker is - and this isn't in the story to save the girl from ridicule at school - her family has recently become homeless. She just won a competition in Everett and has serious Olympic aspirations. She is very good. But it just pisses me off, the situation. Her mom, who is a single mom, lost her job two years ago after 23 years with the same company and things are just unraveling.
Then, a dear friend of mine lost her job this week - another professional just like me. I am beginning to wonder what the hell is happening to this country. I don't want to get into politics here, but I'm having a hard time with the state of the economy and how it is ruining people's lives. I'm sure as hell not voting for Romney - he won't give a rat's ass about people like me, but I'm losing faith in Obama even though I admire him greatly.
Once I'm all better and over with all of my cancer treatments and surgeries, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have a real job again. The odds aren't good for folks my age. But I still continue to apply for jobs, even if no one responds, so I can continue to be honest in receiving my unemployment. Oh, yeah, and those rat bastards at the Department of Labor sent me a letter, which came yesterday, adding to my anger and frustration. They are going to audit me next week to be sure I really am looking for work.
Let me at them. I've got all the proof. Bastards.
So, I think freelancing and minding my investments are my best options right now, especially since I will require 4-6 weeks to recover from the surgery.
It's looking hopeful that NW Yachting is going to pick up my story on the Schooner Zodiac adventure, too, so I picked up a hard copy of the magazine yesterday at a local marina shop. It's sort of like a big tabloid, with lots and lots of ads for boats of all kind for sale. I'm intrigued now with the idea of just buying a boat I can live on, figuring out where to moor it, and write and be at peace someday. It doesn't seem like the normal "American dream" is going to happen to me, whatever that normal is. So, why not? I can sail away.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Calm before the storm
Actually, the weather was absolutely perfect today, and will be for the foreseeable future. It's interesting how 70 degrees feels like 100 in Seattle! Everyone is out walking, riding bikes, sunning themselves. It's glorious. I'm happy it's sunny because I'm getting nervous about my upcoming surgery. Gloomy weather right now would really put me in a funk.
I'm back from my wonderful San Juan Island wine cruise, and I am still working on the story. So much happened it's hard to get it all down. It was the best short vacation I've ever had. Depression set in almost immediately when I returned to the reality of my apartment and upcoming doctor's appointments.
It's hard to explain, but I felt like I had a family again on the boat. With only 12 crew and 18 passengers, in close quarters, you become pretty good pals. And since I haven't had a job in awhile, the fact that it was a learning and working cruise I felt like I had a purpose. I hate not feeling useful.
So, I'm not a bad-ass sailor - yet - but it sure was cool being a part of it. I won't go into the details here - when the story is done I'll link it to Facebook, but if you're not on Facebook it will be on WaveJourney.com for sure within a week or so.
I did have a wonderful little victory this week. I had an essay published in High Country News, a magazine in Colorado - and they are actually paying me! So, it's my first published, paid, magazine piece. I hesitate to talk about it too much because it's about my perspective as a mother whose son is fighting the firestorm in Colorado. Taylor rarely, if ever, reads my blog, so I am talking about it here - he doesn't like me talking about him, but if he does stumble upon it, I think he'd be pleased. It's at hcn.org under "Writers on the Range," and it's called "A Different Voice on the Phone."
I realized it was there as I was walking back to get my Herceptin treatment Tuesday, and my blood pressure shot up! It was kind of funny. My blood pressure is really good, by the way.
My white blood count is still low, and that's probably why I was so exhausted when I got back from the cruise. Well, that and the cook rang the breakfast bell at 7 a.m. and we were at it all day, either sailing or going onshore to taste wine, then drinking wine and eating into the night. Tough gig, right?! I even jammed on uke with two of the crew who brought their ukes! They were brothers, both in their 20s, seasoned sailors, little darlings.
So next week I see my original breast surgeon for a check up, then I have my pre-op with Dr. Isik the 11th. The first procedure, the delay, is July 16. My dear Jim, my friend forever in Tacoma, is going to take me to that appointment and bring me home, because they will knock me out. I don't have to stay in the hospital for that one. Then on the 21st, Laurie arrives for the first "nurse" shift. I've made a reservation for brunch at the Book Bindery (one of my faves) for Sunday, to show her my appreciation, and eat a nice meal in case I don't wake up from the big one on the 23rd!
I am exercising, cleaning, organizing, writing - just trying to accomplish as much as I can before I have to lay low. I did not gain any weight on the boat, because we were pretty active when we weren't eating or drinking! I dread being down for the count, but I look forward to the result and getting back to normal. Normal with scars. My friend Sarah says they will be scars I should be proud of. That's a tough one to grasp right now.
I'm back from my wonderful San Juan Island wine cruise, and I am still working on the story. So much happened it's hard to get it all down. It was the best short vacation I've ever had. Depression set in almost immediately when I returned to the reality of my apartment and upcoming doctor's appointments.
It's hard to explain, but I felt like I had a family again on the boat. With only 12 crew and 18 passengers, in close quarters, you become pretty good pals. And since I haven't had a job in awhile, the fact that it was a learning and working cruise I felt like I had a purpose. I hate not feeling useful.
So, I'm not a bad-ass sailor - yet - but it sure was cool being a part of it. I won't go into the details here - when the story is done I'll link it to Facebook, but if you're not on Facebook it will be on WaveJourney.com for sure within a week or so.
I did have a wonderful little victory this week. I had an essay published in High Country News, a magazine in Colorado - and they are actually paying me! So, it's my first published, paid, magazine piece. I hesitate to talk about it too much because it's about my perspective as a mother whose son is fighting the firestorm in Colorado. Taylor rarely, if ever, reads my blog, so I am talking about it here - he doesn't like me talking about him, but if he does stumble upon it, I think he'd be pleased. It's at hcn.org under "Writers on the Range," and it's called "A Different Voice on the Phone."
I realized it was there as I was walking back to get my Herceptin treatment Tuesday, and my blood pressure shot up! It was kind of funny. My blood pressure is really good, by the way.
My white blood count is still low, and that's probably why I was so exhausted when I got back from the cruise. Well, that and the cook rang the breakfast bell at 7 a.m. and we were at it all day, either sailing or going onshore to taste wine, then drinking wine and eating into the night. Tough gig, right?! I even jammed on uke with two of the crew who brought their ukes! They were brothers, both in their 20s, seasoned sailors, little darlings.
So next week I see my original breast surgeon for a check up, then I have my pre-op with Dr. Isik the 11th. The first procedure, the delay, is July 16. My dear Jim, my friend forever in Tacoma, is going to take me to that appointment and bring me home, because they will knock me out. I don't have to stay in the hospital for that one. Then on the 21st, Laurie arrives for the first "nurse" shift. I've made a reservation for brunch at the Book Bindery (one of my faves) for Sunday, to show her my appreciation, and eat a nice meal in case I don't wake up from the big one on the 23rd!
I am exercising, cleaning, organizing, writing - just trying to accomplish as much as I can before I have to lay low. I did not gain any weight on the boat, because we were pretty active when we weren't eating or drinking! I dread being down for the count, but I look forward to the result and getting back to normal. Normal with scars. My friend Sarah says they will be scars I should be proud of. That's a tough one to grasp right now.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Fear, anxiety and hair
I had a haircut today. Pretty amazing, but it needed some shaping as it was getting sort of shaggy in places. I made an appointment for early August to shape it up again. It's encouraging how fast it's growing back.
I've had a rough couple of days. I got all the paperwork in the mail from the plastic surgeon, Dr. Isik, regarding my reconstruction, which is coming up fast. I read every word and sort of got freaked out. Of course this stuff always includes something to the effect that the worse case scenario is death. Super! (Note: sarcasm).
I go in four weeks from yesterday for the first procedure, which is done in office. This is the "delay" I talked about earlier. What it boils down to is cutting me open in the abdominal area and tying off blood vessels that are no larger than the point of a pen, to force more blood into the area. I just can't even imagine how the hell he does this. So, I'm under anesthesia for that one, and come home the same day.
Then on the 23rd, is the TRAM flap itself. I was of the impression that they actually remove the tissue from the belly and move it up to create the new breast, but I was wrong. That's the magic of it all; Dr. Isik will just kind of scoot it up, it being a vertical muscle and fat. Therefore, the blood supply is never disrupted. It's so amazing what they can do, but I'm getting freaked because it's a 6-hour operation, and again, anesthesia. I've never not woken up before, but you never know.
Adding to my anxiety is the fact that Taylor is now in Colorado to fight the wildfires there, since there's no action in Idaho. He's fine - I just talked to him today, and they are basically patrolling right now to check for smoke or new fires. I mean they are newbies, so I can't imagine they'll throw them into some sort of disco inferno. But it still makes me nervous. Oh shit, he just sent me a text - they just got dispatched. Sweet Jesus, keep my boy safe.
So, I have been very unproductive the past two days. I am seeing Dr. Isik Friday morning, just to talk, and get all my nitty-gritty questions I have hopefully answered. There's a lot of info in the packet they sent that I can't even begin to describe. You can Google Dr. Frank Isik and the TRAM flap if you want the medical details. It is fascinating.
Meantime, I did have a lovely barbecue Saturday night, with the usual suspects; Jim, Mira, Christina and her sweetie, Don. I invited more people, but it's always something I guess. Kind of hurt my feelings because I busted my ass to make everything perfect, and I won't be entertaining again anytime soon. But the five of us had a grand time!
Ukefest is this weekend; I'll be going to a concert, and participating in two workshops and a jam. then next Wednesday I'll drive up to Bellingham, spend the night there, then board the Schooner Zodiac for my 4-day San Juan Island Cruise on assignment for Wave Journey, which I'm really looking forward to. It will be a lovely break before all medical hell breaks loose again.
I've had a rough couple of days. I got all the paperwork in the mail from the plastic surgeon, Dr. Isik, regarding my reconstruction, which is coming up fast. I read every word and sort of got freaked out. Of course this stuff always includes something to the effect that the worse case scenario is death. Super! (Note: sarcasm).
I go in four weeks from yesterday for the first procedure, which is done in office. This is the "delay" I talked about earlier. What it boils down to is cutting me open in the abdominal area and tying off blood vessels that are no larger than the point of a pen, to force more blood into the area. I just can't even imagine how the hell he does this. So, I'm under anesthesia for that one, and come home the same day.
Then on the 23rd, is the TRAM flap itself. I was of the impression that they actually remove the tissue from the belly and move it up to create the new breast, but I was wrong. That's the magic of it all; Dr. Isik will just kind of scoot it up, it being a vertical muscle and fat. Therefore, the blood supply is never disrupted. It's so amazing what they can do, but I'm getting freaked because it's a 6-hour operation, and again, anesthesia. I've never not woken up before, but you never know.
Adding to my anxiety is the fact that Taylor is now in Colorado to fight the wildfires there, since there's no action in Idaho. He's fine - I just talked to him today, and they are basically patrolling right now to check for smoke or new fires. I mean they are newbies, so I can't imagine they'll throw them into some sort of disco inferno. But it still makes me nervous. Oh shit, he just sent me a text - they just got dispatched. Sweet Jesus, keep my boy safe.
So, I have been very unproductive the past two days. I am seeing Dr. Isik Friday morning, just to talk, and get all my nitty-gritty questions I have hopefully answered. There's a lot of info in the packet they sent that I can't even begin to describe. You can Google Dr. Frank Isik and the TRAM flap if you want the medical details. It is fascinating.
Meantime, I did have a lovely barbecue Saturday night, with the usual suspects; Jim, Mira, Christina and her sweetie, Don. I invited more people, but it's always something I guess. Kind of hurt my feelings because I busted my ass to make everything perfect, and I won't be entertaining again anytime soon. But the five of us had a grand time!
Ukefest is this weekend; I'll be going to a concert, and participating in two workshops and a jam. then next Wednesday I'll drive up to Bellingham, spend the night there, then board the Schooner Zodiac for my 4-day San Juan Island Cruise on assignment for Wave Journey, which I'm really looking forward to. It will be a lovely break before all medical hell breaks loose again.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Sunshine!
Wow, the sun is out today and it feels so good! I had Herceptin today, and of course saw Dr. Kaplan. I did indeed try another estrogen blocker and quit taking it, too, after three days. Jesus, I had a nightmare I was in some huge house under lock and key because there were bad guys trying to get in. No one would tell me exactly what was going on, but it involved espionage. I credit that to the fact that I had recently finished the Millennium series of books.
Anyway, I was in my bedroom in this mansion, and I saw a shadowy figure in the window, and I'm not kidding, it was the Grim Reaper. Of course I couldn't scream, like it happens with so many people and bad dreams, but then when I did - it was out loud - and LOUD! The dog started barking, and I woke up just freaked out. No more estrogen blockers.
Dr. Kaplan understands. I told him I had horrendous PMS when I did have menses, and those damn pills made me feel like I have 24/7 PMS. It's okay. I've done everything else to stave off the cancer. So, all in all, I'm doing famously, and my reconstructive surgery is six weeks from today!! Can't wait to get a new boob!
All my girls are lined up now; Colleen made her reservations yesterday, so in order - I'll have Laurie, Taryn then Colleen coming to be my nurses. At the tail end of Colleen's stay, we're going to Aerosmith at the Tacoma Dome! Nothing can slow this girl down.
I'm feeling so hopeful, Lord knows why. I still haven't found a "real job," but with the advice, inspiration and support of a few other writer friends, I'm dipping my toe into serious freelancing. So, we'll see how it goes.
And I have big, great news! Love and smooches to my dear Jill and Viv, aka Wave Journey.com, a fabulous travel web site. They are leaving for Europe Friday and won't be back until August 10 (I know, brats!) A couple years ago they went on a sailing adventure on the Schooner Zodiac out of Bellingham, and wrote about it for Wave. They were invited to come back and write about an upcoming wine cruise through the San Juans (one of my favorite places!) and of course they can't go, because they'll be in Europe. So, they asked the first mate if another writer could come in their place, and guess who that is? ME! Yay! I'm so psyched! I will be a guest, for free, and write a story for Wave Journey. I'm also hoping to pitch it to perhaps a wine magazine or a Northwest Mag. Viv said the food is great, too. They feed us three nice meals a day, plus snacks and wine. I'll have a berth for accommodations, but Viv said it's private when I pull my little curtain. Hell, if there's a cute guy in another berth nearby....one can only hope! I'm so bad.
And, I will get to learn to sail. Guests take turns doing various jobs on the ship. Check it out at SchoonerZodiac.com. I'm just beside myself. So, I'll drive up to Bellingham the 27th, and we sail the 28th in the morning, returning Sunday, July 1. Surgery is July 23.
I'm having a barbecue this Saturday for my friends here, and I'm looking forward to it. I haven't had the energy to entertain for quite some time, so it's time.
The weekend of June 23 is Ukefest at Dusty Strings, and I'm excited about that, too. I am signed up for two workshops, and of course, Sunga's jam - she's my new teacher. Oh my God, I learned to do some "fancy picking" at my last lesson and I really get it! And I can do several chords without looking at my hands.
I feel alive again! That's it - as Pearl Jam sings "Oh, oh, oh, I'm still alive!" Eddie, take me away!!
Anyway, I was in my bedroom in this mansion, and I saw a shadowy figure in the window, and I'm not kidding, it was the Grim Reaper. Of course I couldn't scream, like it happens with so many people and bad dreams, but then when I did - it was out loud - and LOUD! The dog started barking, and I woke up just freaked out. No more estrogen blockers.
Dr. Kaplan understands. I told him I had horrendous PMS when I did have menses, and those damn pills made me feel like I have 24/7 PMS. It's okay. I've done everything else to stave off the cancer. So, all in all, I'm doing famously, and my reconstructive surgery is six weeks from today!! Can't wait to get a new boob!
All my girls are lined up now; Colleen made her reservations yesterday, so in order - I'll have Laurie, Taryn then Colleen coming to be my nurses. At the tail end of Colleen's stay, we're going to Aerosmith at the Tacoma Dome! Nothing can slow this girl down.
I'm feeling so hopeful, Lord knows why. I still haven't found a "real job," but with the advice, inspiration and support of a few other writer friends, I'm dipping my toe into serious freelancing. So, we'll see how it goes.
And I have big, great news! Love and smooches to my dear Jill and Viv, aka Wave Journey.com, a fabulous travel web site. They are leaving for Europe Friday and won't be back until August 10 (I know, brats!) A couple years ago they went on a sailing adventure on the Schooner Zodiac out of Bellingham, and wrote about it for Wave. They were invited to come back and write about an upcoming wine cruise through the San Juans (one of my favorite places!) and of course they can't go, because they'll be in Europe. So, they asked the first mate if another writer could come in their place, and guess who that is? ME! Yay! I'm so psyched! I will be a guest, for free, and write a story for Wave Journey. I'm also hoping to pitch it to perhaps a wine magazine or a Northwest Mag. Viv said the food is great, too. They feed us three nice meals a day, plus snacks and wine. I'll have a berth for accommodations, but Viv said it's private when I pull my little curtain. Hell, if there's a cute guy in another berth nearby....one can only hope! I'm so bad.
And, I will get to learn to sail. Guests take turns doing various jobs on the ship. Check it out at SchoonerZodiac.com. I'm just beside myself. So, I'll drive up to Bellingham the 27th, and we sail the 28th in the morning, returning Sunday, July 1. Surgery is July 23.
I'm having a barbecue this Saturday for my friends here, and I'm looking forward to it. I haven't had the energy to entertain for quite some time, so it's time.
The weekend of June 23 is Ukefest at Dusty Strings, and I'm excited about that, too. I am signed up for two workshops, and of course, Sunga's jam - she's my new teacher. Oh my God, I learned to do some "fancy picking" at my last lesson and I really get it! And I can do several chords without looking at my hands.
I feel alive again! That's it - as Pearl Jam sings "Oh, oh, oh, I'm still alive!" Eddie, take me away!!
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