I had a little pity party

I apologize to those who saw my Facebook post I put up briefly last  night, before taking it down. But it seems it still lived somewhere, because I had several responses. Scary pre-op appointment, and 3/4 of a bottle of wine among other things sent me into a major funk. I'm sorry.
I did see Dr. Beatty Monday, my original breast surgeon, and it was great to see him. He's so caring and supportive. He was very reassuring about the reconstructive surgery. He said I'm in excellent hands with Dr. Isik, and I will wake up, not to worry. Even after reconstruction, I may never have normal feeling in my left breast again, which is a bummer. I basically have no feeling there from nerve damage.
I'm not so worried about the delay procedure this coming Monday. It's going to be a breeze compared to the 23rd. It will just be a small incision, enough for Dr. Isik to ligate some blood vessels. But I'll be goofy all day from the drugs. The 23rd is a different story.
When I had my mastectomy, I had to deal with a drain for what seemed like forever. They sort of look like a hand grenade, and fill with God knows what that comes out of your body - fluid you don't want building up. My sister, Cheryle, knew how much I hated that thing, mainly because it hurt. Well, after this surgery I get the thrill of not one, but two drains, and this other device that will be hanging out of me so I can dose myself with pain med. I can't OD - it's designed to only allow you to dose once an hour. I do get to stay in the hospital a day or two, but I'll be coming home with all of this crap hanging out of me and it just upsets me so much. That and being under anesthesia for 6 hours.
So, I sort of lost it. But I'm better today after taking a nap, and basically not going anywhere. I did write a story today for my old employer, and I am getting paid out of their not so lucrative freelance budget.
The story is upsetting to me, too. It's a follow up about an aspiring figure skater, who has real potential. The kicker is - and this isn't in the story to save the girl from ridicule at school - her family has recently become homeless. She just won a competition in Everett and has serious Olympic aspirations. She is very good. But it just pisses me off, the situation. Her mom, who is a single mom, lost her job two years ago after 23 years with the same company and things are just unraveling.
Then, a dear friend of mine lost her job this week - another professional just like me. I am beginning to wonder what the hell is happening to this country. I don't want to get into politics here, but I'm having a hard time with the state of the economy and how it is ruining people's lives. I'm sure as hell not voting for Romney - he won't give a rat's ass about people like me, but I'm losing faith in Obama even though I admire him greatly.
Once I'm all better and over with all of my cancer treatments and surgeries, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have a real job again. The odds aren't good for folks my age. But I still continue to apply for jobs, even if no one responds, so I can continue to be honest in receiving my unemployment. Oh, yeah, and those rat bastards at the Department of Labor sent me a letter, which came yesterday, adding to my anger and frustration. They are going to audit me next week to be sure I really am looking for work.
Let me at them. I've got all the proof. Bastards.
So, I think freelancing and minding my investments are my best options right now, especially since I will require 4-6 weeks to recover from the surgery.
It's looking hopeful that NW Yachting is going to pick up my story on the Schooner Zodiac adventure, too, so I picked up a hard copy of the magazine yesterday at a local marina shop. It's sort of like a big tabloid, with lots and lots of ads for boats of all kind for sale. I'm intrigued now with the idea of just buying a boat I can live on, figuring out where to moor it, and write and be at peace someday. It doesn't seem like the normal "American dream" is going to happen to me, whatever that normal is. So, why not? I can sail away.