Out of the abyss

Things just kept getting worse with my mental state after my last post. I saw Dr. Dobie the day after my last post, and she mentioned she had also noticed a change in me since Dr. Kaplan put me on the estrogen blocker. Then, I had a grim reality to face Friday night, which I won't go in to here. Suffice it to say I realized someone I really cared for, really doesn't give a damn about me.

By Saturday I was back in the rabbit hole. Thinking about death. The sun was out, so by 4-ish I ventured out of the hole to the park with Abbey, and talked to the trees, God and Joni by phone. I felt better, but I still wasn't finding my joy.

Sunday I went to the Mariner's game. I had a great seat, good weather and they won. But I came home and cried. By Monday I called Dr. Kaplan and told him I thought the estrogen blocker was making me crazy. He said stop taking them and come see him in a couple of days, which I did. I've been off them now three days, and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I'm finding humor in weird shit again, (that's the real me), and enjoying my ukulele, even singing (don't ever ask me to sing in front of you) while playing, and marveling that I'm remembering several chords and don't have to look at my hands. I'm back.

The mammogram on my right breast came out a-okay. Nothing to worry about there. My other girl parts are fine, too - no sign of cervical cancer. I'm doing my Pilates and I am back up to 45 minutes on the elliptical at level 7. I've even lost a few pounds and moved my belt in one notch. The new support group is so good. Last night we got onto the subject of intimacy after cancer. It was hilarious. I felt like I was back in my fifth grade (or whenever it was) sex education class. Jacci uses those gigantic post-its to write stuff and sticks them on the wall, and one had these words; vibrator, masturbation, and something else in a row, and I said, God help the janitor; he's going to wonder what the hell went on in this conference room! It was so open and cleansing though. It's a tough issue with body image problems.

Anyway, before the Friday night incident that I won't go into, I went to The Pink Door with Sophia, my little young friend who goes to UW, to listen to Miss Rose and the Rhythm Percolators. Miss Rose is an awesome ukulele player and I loved her! I was in awe watching her hands, and she sings beautifully, too. Her uke was solid ash, a canoe paddle shape. I introduced myself, and told her I have a repertoire of four songs, period, and she said that was good! She leads the jams at "Dusty Strings," but the only time I went to that one, she had a substitute. I'll go to hers next month.

I actually got the courage up to try the online dating thing again, too. Not Match, Lord no. My friend Lisa, told me about a free one called OkayCupid, so I've already been "chatting" with a couple of guys. I might have coffee with one this weekend. He seems nice. Another one, a real hottie, obviously just wants to have sex, and I'm just too vulnerable for a casual hookup right now. My heart gets broken too easily. Men. Don't even get me started.

I didn't get the job in Bellevue. I keep looking. I'm not losing hope yet, and now that I'm off those awful drugs, I feel in control of my life again. I see Dr. Kaplan again on the 30th for Herceptin, and we'll re-visit the hormone thing again. He believes I need to be on some sort of estrogen blocker because of my positive ER/PR markers, but obviously that one wasn't the right one. I told him that when I did have menses, I suffered from horrid PMS (depression, couldn't think) and that's how I felt, so we've got to avoid that again. If nothing works, I just will go without the hormone treatment altogether. It's not an automatic death sentence, and I'd rather live with a clear head then think about how to off myself.