Trying to pace myself

Thanksgiving came and went, and I've been going full tilt at Christmas stuff, but I had to slow it down a bit today because I felt like I was coming down with a cold yesterday. I do feel better. I just got back from the movie "The Descendants," and it is breathtaking. It's sad, and funny. It really got me excited though about Kauai, because part of it was filmed there, and I'll be there in a week! I can't even believe it. It's been so long since I've seen a warm, sunny beach.
I need this break. It's been a rough couple of weeks in a way. Dr. Kaplan put me on Lapatinib, a pill that works in concert with my Herceptin infusions to keep the cancer from coming back. I couldn't take them. I stopped. I see him Wednesday before I have Herceptin, and I am sure he won't be pleased that I quit taking them, but the side effects were too unpleasant. They were making me feel bad about myself again. I start radiation Dec. 19, which will be every damn day until Feb. 1, and if that's not enough "insurance" with the Herceptin, well, I don't know. I just don't like the pills. When I don't feel good, I look in the mirror and hate what I see, and I just can't do that to myself anymore.
Tuesday I received an e-mail with news on one of the members of my support group. It wasn't good. She was in the hospital, and her husband didn't think she'd be coming home as they had her on palliative care. She died Wednesday at 4 p.m. I am still so upset by this. She's 15 years younger than me, with two little kids. She had stage 4 breast cancer, which had metastasized to her liver. They removed the part of her liver that had cancer, and she seemed to be doing okay the last time I saw her. I feel awful because that was over a month ago. I hadn't been making it to group either because of work, or just too tired right after my surgery. But the last time I saw her, she gave me a hug. I am so confused. I don't understand how God could take a young woman with two children and a husband, and not me instead. These are things I don't understand. I will be at group Tuesday night, and I'm sure we'll all cry our eyes out. I already have over her, and those kids. I mean, how do you tell a 3-year-old that mommy's dead?
I soldier on. My Christmas shopping is done, I have my outdoor lights up and some decorations inside. I will put up a small tree when I return from Hawaii. I don't have it in me to put up the big mother. But my Taylor is coming for Christmas, so I will put a tree up of some sort. He's still my baby, and I can't wait to see him. I will only have had one week of radiation by Christmas, so maybe I'll be able to ski with him.
I am getting stronger every day, and we plan to kayak the Wailua River one day in Kauai. I need some upper body movement. I did start back at Pilates, and am easing into it. We've also got a helicopter tour booked, to fly over the whole island, specifically the Napali Coast and the Waimea Canyon. I don't have enough strength yet, or time, to hike to these mothers. But we'll do some shorter hikes.
So, if you're a Facebook friend, too, I'll post photos from Kauai, since I finally stepped into the 21st century and got an iPhone. I'm getting the hang of it; I'm not exactly a tech queen!
And, I promise, to just relax and enjoy warmth, sun, and peace.