Cancer has it's own agenda...this isn't over

I decided to wait until I saw my medical oncologist today to report the latest. As many of you know, I had my lumpectomy one week ago today. I did a quick Facebook post that day, that it seemed to go well. Dr. Beatty, my surgeon, removed 7.7 centimeters of mass, and there is no cancer in my lymph nodes, which is excellent news.
But I am not cancer free. Dr. Beatty called me late Friday when the pathology report came in. I had dozed off and Joni was napping, too. I did know there was another little tumor in another part of the breast, and it was, and still is, benign. However, there is lobular cancer, the second most prevalent of breast cancers (behind DCIS, which I had in the tumor) still in the breast.
I asked Dr. Kaplan today why this wasn't picked up by an MRI. It's not like a tumor or mass, rather it sort of fingers out in the ducts and is only picked up by pathology.
You can imagine I was devastated when Dr. Beatty called me Friday. I tried all weekend to process the fact that the plan didn't work, and I will have to have a mastectomy in two to three weeks. I feel defeated, depressed, sad and humiliated at the thought of being - well, I don't even want to go there.
I told Dr. Kaplan I felt like a fool for going through all the hell of chemo, thinking this was going to work. He said the chemo was still in the cards because it was such a large tumor, and it most likely prevented it from spreading to other parts of my body. It is not in my blood or lymphatic system or anywhere else thank God.
So, with removal of the breast, then, God willing, I'll be rid of the cancer. But it doesn't end there. I'm looking at a year of Herceptin every three weeks, which has to be administered like chemo, but there are no side effects. I was on Herceptin with my first round of chemo. It's basically to keep me from producing estrogen because of my HER2 status. But that means I won't get rid of this damn port till the Herceptin is over. Plus, I'll be on sort of an anti-hormone therapy, which is a pill, to also suppress estrogen production (it feeds my cancer).
More aggravation - I will have to go through radiation. The risk of local recurrence is too great if I don't. That will start not too long after the mastectomy, every freaking day for I think six weeks. Am I having fun yet?
I can't start reconstructive surgery until after radiation, because the tissue changes - the elasticity and texture. I'm probably looking at two to three surgeries for reconstruction. Meantime, I guess I'll get a prosthesis, so that means when I go to Hawaii in December I'll be sporting a fake boob under my swimsuit. I'm just sick about it.
I guess I should be happy that it's not spread, but all I feel is sore of course, and sad.
To add to my horrible day, my ex mother-n-law died today, who I have always loved. Taylor told me as soon as he found out. She is the last of the four - my folks, and Ron's folks, and I am heartbroken - Taylor has no more grandparents. I am grieving this loss.
So, I'm in this for the long haul I guess. Who will ever love me once I'm a mutilated freak? I am so glad I don't have to go through any more chemo, though. I had already decided I wasn't going to do it regardless.