First week of unemployment

I had the echo cardio gram Monday. The tech seemed to think my heart was working fine, but I'll know more Monday when Dr. Kaplan shares the results with me. I have Herceptin Monday, then I'm seeing my shrink. It's good timing. I go from hopeful to hopeless one day to the next.

My biggest concern right now is insurance. It expires at the end of March, so I have two weeks to figure out what I'm going to do. When I was laid off from the CdA Mess I went without insurance for a long time, but that's not an option in my current world of ongoing treatment and one more surgery coming up.

Let's just say I basically despise the woman in charge of HR at Sound Publishing. She's a cold hearted bitch. I'm still waiting for the information on Cobra, so I left her two phone messages, and finally got an e-mail that the information is "in the mail" but it looks like it's going to be $550-$600 a month. My unemployment is going to be $204 weekly. Yeah, right.

I have my investments, but I swear, if I ever end up totally broke, I'll check out.

I'm scared to go back on BHCCP, which is Medicaid, for fear of them going after my savings. The wonderful social worker I've been working with at Swedish says they can't go after assets unless I'm dead, but I've got an attorney and my financial guy looking into it.

Meantime, I'm having my will updated just in case I die in the next surgery, or get hit by a Mac truck or whatever. And there are people out there who don't think we need radical health care reform? Seriously?

I've applied for seven jobs so far, so basically one a day since I've been unemployed, and I am hopeful with regard to one in particular where I have a connection. At least I know more people this time. I'm no longer the "New Girl in Town," as this blog started out.

My ukulele playing continues to amuse me, in fact I'm going to the Fremont monthly jam again tomorrow. I am also working on a book. In addition, I came up with a rather entrepreneurial idea last night that involves music, but that's all I want to say right now.

And I took some time out Thursday for some retail therapy at the newly relocated Nordstrom Rack downtown, and got a few nice things relatively cheap! I bought a dress, thinking I'll get a job I can wear it to soon. It's pretty, and the neckline doesn't reveal all my battle scars.

This coming Thursday I'm headed to Idaho to see my son, and my old peeps over there. I am looking forward to this. I haven't been over there for a year. I was too weak to make the drive. I'll be staying at my friend Erica's, who has the cutest little two-year-old girl ever, Miss Quinn. Erica is having a little gathering for me, with some of my old compadres from the Spokesman-Review, which I'm really looking forward to. Taylor and I are going skiing on the Sunday I'm there. And I'll see lots of other people.

I'm so happy for Taylor! He's doing really well in firefighter training, and has a job interview the 29th of the month with the Idaho Dept. of Lands to fight wild fires this summer (which sort of scares the crap out of momma) but it will be good experience and good pay.

I'm just going to a movie tonight. Maybe I'll stop and have one drink for St. Patrick's Day after the show. But tomorrow night is a friend's birthday party, and I have to watch my entertainment spending now. Although I already do have tickets for two concerts and one Broadway Play which were already bought and paid for before the lay off. I've got to have some sort of a life!

Last Day

I'm pretty broken right now. Today was my last day at the Mercer Island Reporter. This was so extremely different from my layoff at the CdA Mess. That one, well it was like "don't let the door hit you in the ass." This time, my wonderful co-worker Becca gave me a card and gift that I couldn't open then she said. Well, when I did it made me cry. Then, Mary, my favorite editor ever, stood at the door and waved as I drove off. We're all having lunch next week, along with the photographer who got laid off, too. We're still loved, but the powers that be let us go.

However, I did apply for two good jobs today. Mary helped me dust off my old resume. Again, I cannot stress enough the difference in these two layoffs!

One of the jobs is with Boeing. That would be way cool, but their way of applying was screwy. It wouldn't let me upload my resume or a cover letter, rather you filled out a bunch of screens. That's a bummer, because in my cover letter, I told them I have long followed their fortunes, and in fact have 112 shares of their stock, which, has doubled since I bought it. Plus, my papa was in the aviation business, and I've known the Boeing brand since I was a kid. But they'll never know. It's because - looking for a job these days is awful. You can't meet a human being. I can't dazzle them with my personality! I really hate it.

Monday I have an eco-cardiogram to see if my heart survived radiation okay. It should have because I did the breathing method that kept my heart as far away as possible from the nuking. It was interesting; you have a tube in your mouth like if you are snorkeling, and when you breath in deep, it registers on this machine, and then they zap you.

I am having acupuncture Tuesday - my insurance, which I have until the end of March, covers acupuncture, and it helped last week, so I'm going to go again. The mobility in my left arm is improving.

And, while I still have insurance, I'm getting my teeth cleaned Wednesday. What else, Pilates, look for more jobs, spend more time with Abbey, clean house....I'll keep myself busy.

And once again my life takes an unexpected turn

No matter what anyone says, your career, your job, is your identity. I loved this job, and I just got laid off today. I'm not crying anymore, but I feel pretty lousy.

Again, I didn't see it coming, until I learned right after our staff meeting that Chad, our ONLY professional photographer for four papers, was laid off. My next clue was that Janet, our publisher, was on her way to our office. She doesn't come over a lot. I was last in, so, first to go. I'll work until March 9 - oddly, I started there on Nov. 9, 2010. I don't want to go. Mary and I held each other and bawled later on. It's not her fault, or Janet's. It came from much higher. Each paper had to lay off one person. I don't know how Mary is going to do it, because I was the only reporter. She's the editor, but now, she's also the reporter. All that's left is sports, copy editor and the ad "executive." Yeah, right, like they're such executives.

It's just like when got laid off at the Press. I have cultivated my sources both on Mercer Island and Sammamish, to where I'm known, trusted, considered concerned and accurate. Damnitt, I hate leaving my beats. I'm so screwed.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but this is particularly devastating because I had my arms wrapped around a sweet, sweet condo, that I (could have) afforded. We were just waiting for my pre-approval, due any day now. I still want to know if they'd given me a mortgage, but for now, my little condo has slipped through my hands, and I remain in this shit-hole. Not that it's really a shit-hole, but I just want a place with more light and in a better neighborhood.

Sweet Jesus, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess re-group, start looking for a job, and hey, I'll have time to work on my book. Yes, I've started a book. Keep you posted.

For now, I could use a little love and encouragement if anyone's got it for me. These past 10 years have been hell. Like Jack Nicholson said, "is this as good as it gets?"

Making progress

I always feel like there's never enough time for me to get all my stuff done on the weekends, or in life, period. I just do the best I can everyday.

Today was a first. I went to the jam session for ukulele players at Dusty Strings. I was pretty nervous, as I didn't know what to expect, but I really did have a great time! There were many times I got flustered because I still don't move quickly between chords, but I did my very best and had fun with it. Apparently the leader today isn't the usual leader, but he's there a lot. He said he hadn't seen that many people there in a while. Then I heard someone say something about Eddie Vedder. Funny. There were about a dozen women - from a quite elderly lady, to very young - and two guys. It was good experience for me to play with other people, and hear them, although at times I could feel the heat rising in my face because I knew I was goofing up! No one seemed to care.

I didn't get to see a lender last week, but have an appointment now Tuesday, to see if I can get a mortgage. I am so hopeful. I'm ready.

My old friend Jane, and her husband, Ken are in town for their daughter Jennifer's birthday, so I had dinner with them, Jennifer's boyfriend and another friend of hers at Ray's Boathouse on Shilshole Marina, and it was so much fun! Then we went to a pub in Fremont, the Tin Hat I think it was called, and more of Jennifer's friends showed up for her birthday. I had so much fun, and all the "kids" loved hanging with Jane, Ken and me, too. I was a little loopy, took Jane and Ken back to their hotel. Big fun. I love it when old friends come to visit! And I love, love, love that Jennifer. She's such a sweetheart and she and I are cut from the same cloth as Jane says!

As far as my healing goes, I finally quit peeling from the damn radiation. The redness is getting better, too. It's amazing. I had zero doctor's appointments last week, and have none this week, either. It's sort of freaky, because it becomes such a regular part of your life. Next week however, I have Dr. Kaplan and Herceptin, then a follow up with my radiology guy.

I did Pilates twice last week, and did my elliptical for half an hour three times. I want my old self back!

Moving forward

I hope you like the new name! I still have challenges ahead, but I did beat the monster cancer. At least for now. It's not unusual I hear, to worry about the cancer coming back once you've been down this road. I even asked Dr. Kaplan Monday if he was sure I was cancer free. I am, but we are still taking pre-cautionary steps.

Radiation turned out to be much worse than I expected. They really crank it up at the end, and as I write this I'm peeling, like you do when you have a really bad sunburn. It hurts. But my physical therapist bid me adieu this morning because my range of motion is almost back to normal on the left side. She just said to not force it and to be careful until my skin heals.

But I've been doing Pilates again, at a studio that wasn't very convenient for me but I liked the instructor. Well, guess what? An instructor I already knew, who is very good and is trained in authentic Pilates (as Joseph Pilates taught it) just opened a studio of her own - right above my office! Hello convenience! I'm so excited, and she did a beautiful job on the space. So I shall start with her Monday, and I have no excuse not to go. I consider that a blessing.

But, back to the healing. Understandably I am eager to get "rebuilt," but the plastic surgeon doesn't even want to see me until May 2. I wasn't really surprised. I need to heal before they start messing with me again.

Meantime I have so many goals and projects to do, but it's all going to take time. I'm seriously looking at condos, in fact I'm seeing a mortgage lender next week to get my ducks lined up.

You see, I want to improve my life now. And the 10-year anniversary since my divorce and having to sell the dream home is coming up. Add to that, the record low interest rates and prices (even in Seattle) getting reasonable and I see no reason not to try.

But I've also been very frustrated this week. The ukulele I bought in Hawaii seems to be problematic. I bought a tuner, and couldn't get it in tune. Scott, my teacher, noticed this before - the strings slip. I called the guy in Hawaii whose shop I bought it from, and he went on and on about how I just need to tighten the screws. Well, we did that to no avail. So, after work today, I took it to "Dusty Strings" in Fremont, who are the ukulele experts here. For $37, including labor, they put new tuners on it and it's fine! Yay! AND - they have ukulele jams every third Sunday. I asked if I would be intimidated, and they said no, I should come! So I will! I really like the little instrument. It's therapeutic for me.

I am also having fits with understanding my new computer. I bought a Mac Book Pro, and I love it - it's fast, fast, fast. It's just me. I have a class tomorrow at the Apple Store, thank God.

One day at a time. I have to keep telling myself that.

Sounding like a broken record

In my last post, I said I'd hit the wall with radiation. No, now I have. I'm so miserable, not that anyone really gets it or cares. Maybe I am having a pity party, but I guess this blog is growing old on folks, because only a couple of people commented last time.
But, as my shrink pointed out to me today, while I cried buckets of tears, which I've been doing now on and off for four days, radiation is still cancer treatment. Sure, I'm not losing my hair or toenails, or puking, but my tissue is getting bomb blasted, and it's sore, red and awful. And the fatigue has become worse. Pile on top of that the worse cold I've had in I don't know how long, and it's hard to be happy and normal.
I've had 23 treatments. Next Tuesday I will know if that's the end, or I might have two more. At any rate, this will end next week. Then I just have the herceptin every three weeks, which is nothing in the relative scheme of things.
It will be one year, this Thursday, since I heard the words, "you have cancer." It's been a whirlwind. Did this really happen to me?
I came home today after the docs. I needed to rest. I've got to stop feeling guilty about missing work she says. Actually I do a pretty damn good job. I spent four hours Sunday at a retreat of the Mercer Island School District's board of directors that was supposed to be last Thursday, but was canceled because of all this crazy weather over here. Wrote a hell of a story and my competition wasn't there. I don't totally suck.
The uke lessons are progressing. I get frustrated because I can't move my fingers fast enough between chords, but again, I need to quit beating myself up my shrink says. After all, I've only had three lessons. But it's the story of my life. I'm never good enough. I always "placed" outside the money, if you will. Sixth place doesn't win the trophy. It's a long story. I just want to be better at everything.
And then there was the memorial Saturday for C, the sweet woman who died, who was in my support group. The sun came out and was shining brightly through the beautiful windows of her church, the Unitarian Church here in West Seattle. It was her. I was overcome with grief seeing her husband and little kids. There were so many people there, who obviously loved her so much. I only knew her a short time, but I can't get over it. This shit does kill people. She was so smart - really the only one I related to in group. Her husband wrote a song about her, before she got sick, and they played a recording of him singing and playing guitar to it. He's very good, and it just broke my heart. Then, at the end, a slide show of her life was set to the song "Say Hello to Heaven," by Temple of the Dog, and I couldn't help but smile. Such a beautiful rock song, so cool. I told my son to add that to my song list for my memorial some day.
I hope it's not anytime soon, but we're all so vulnerable, and really so alone.

15 down, 11 to go.

Radiation is getting old. Every freaking day is exhausting. I hit the wall earlier this week. I was so tired I was in tears. Suffice it to say I'm going to bed earlier whenever possible. Two nights this week I had meetings to cover, including last night, which was a doozy, so I'm toast today. Thank God it's the weekend.
I saw my psychiatric oncologist for the first time in about a month yesterday. We had a good talk. It's amazing how she knows what I'm feeling. She reminded me that even though I am cancer free and done with chemo months ago, radiation is no easy task either, and that I am indeed still in treatment, so to be kind to myself. She completely understood when I told her this past year (it's been almost a year since my diagnosis) seems surreal - it's like it happened to somebody else. I had cancer? Weird.
It's going to be a long time before I'm "back." She reminded me that it's okay to lower my expectations of myself, which I tend to place fairly high. If I can't complete all the goals I've set for this year, it's okay she said. But I'm sure going to try.
My first ukulele lesson with my teacher was brilliant. He's very nice, young (30), cute (sigh), and patient! But I've been practicing the exercises he gave me and some of the chords and I am totally comfortable with it and can't wait to learn more tomorrow. I've also been scouting out places this week. I want to move when my lease is up at the end of June. I want my own place. It will be ten years this April since I was officially divorced, and ten years since I was a homeowner. I'm sick of renting. I owned a home from the time I was 21 until 10 years ago. I want my own place. I talked to a lender, and he thinks I can get a loan since I've been on my job over a year now, in my given profession. The trouble is my limited hours in 2011 due to cancer treatment, but he said with proper documentation I should be okay. The important thing is that I do have 40 hours a week available to me, I just couldn't work them due to spending so much time at the cancer center getting treatments.
If I move by the end of June, and get settled in it would be perfect, because I'll probably have my reconstructive surgery shortly after that. That would be nice to recover in my own place.
I have scoped out a few places I will want to see, and I'm hopeful. I'm looking for a townhouse or condo, and I want to stay in West Seattle.
I also talked to my shrink about my support group. I think I need a different group. Ever since the one gal died, it's not the same for me. She also had breast cancer, had kids, I could relate to her. No one else in group has or had kids, and they all (for the most part) have some sort of blood cancer. And they're depressing me. Too much talk of death, while I'm talking about moving forward. I almost feel silly trying to be positive. I've also talked to our group facilitator about it, and she said what my shrink says, and that is if I'm not benefiting from it, then I shouldn't go. One gal in particular is just wearing on me. She's been cancer free now for over a year, but is so damn depressing - constantly whining about everything from her job, to the death of her partner five years ago, to how she almost died. It's just too much.
There's a group starting up at Swedish in March for breast cancer survivors and I think that will be better suited for me. Dr. Dobie said they take on issues about reconstruction, intimacy - all the stuff I'm worried about.
The memorial for our group friend that died is a week from tomorrow, and I'm sure most of the group will be there. I will let the ones I want to know, that I am choosing to move on to a group more suited for my needs.
Sunday I'm going to the Broadway touring production of "West Side Story" at the beautiful Paramount Theatre. I'm so excited! My co-worker, Meghan, saw it last night and loved it. Did you know it hasn't been on stage in 30 years? They've reworked it and some of the songs are sung in Spanish now. And Meghan said the last number is way edgier than in the movie. I'm going with a friend, and I'm so excited!
Anyway, I'm over half way now on the nuking!