15 down, 11 to go.

Radiation is getting old. Every freaking day is exhausting. I hit the wall earlier this week. I was so tired I was in tears. Suffice it to say I'm going to bed earlier whenever possible. Two nights this week I had meetings to cover, including last night, which was a doozy, so I'm toast today. Thank God it's the weekend.
I saw my psychiatric oncologist for the first time in about a month yesterday. We had a good talk. It's amazing how she knows what I'm feeling. She reminded me that even though I am cancer free and done with chemo months ago, radiation is no easy task either, and that I am indeed still in treatment, so to be kind to myself. She completely understood when I told her this past year (it's been almost a year since my diagnosis) seems surreal - it's like it happened to somebody else. I had cancer? Weird.
It's going to be a long time before I'm "back." She reminded me that it's okay to lower my expectations of myself, which I tend to place fairly high. If I can't complete all the goals I've set for this year, it's okay she said. But I'm sure going to try.
My first ukulele lesson with my teacher was brilliant. He's very nice, young (30), cute (sigh), and patient! But I've been practicing the exercises he gave me and some of the chords and I am totally comfortable with it and can't wait to learn more tomorrow. I've also been scouting out places this week. I want to move when my lease is up at the end of June. I want my own place. It will be ten years this April since I was officially divorced, and ten years since I was a homeowner. I'm sick of renting. I owned a home from the time I was 21 until 10 years ago. I want my own place. I talked to a lender, and he thinks I can get a loan since I've been on my job over a year now, in my given profession. The trouble is my limited hours in 2011 due to cancer treatment, but he said with proper documentation I should be okay. The important thing is that I do have 40 hours a week available to me, I just couldn't work them due to spending so much time at the cancer center getting treatments.
If I move by the end of June, and get settled in it would be perfect, because I'll probably have my reconstructive surgery shortly after that. That would be nice to recover in my own place.
I have scoped out a few places I will want to see, and I'm hopeful. I'm looking for a townhouse or condo, and I want to stay in West Seattle.
I also talked to my shrink about my support group. I think I need a different group. Ever since the one gal died, it's not the same for me. She also had breast cancer, had kids, I could relate to her. No one else in group has or had kids, and they all (for the most part) have some sort of blood cancer. And they're depressing me. Too much talk of death, while I'm talking about moving forward. I almost feel silly trying to be positive. I've also talked to our group facilitator about it, and she said what my shrink says, and that is if I'm not benefiting from it, then I shouldn't go. One gal in particular is just wearing on me. She's been cancer free now for over a year, but is so damn depressing - constantly whining about everything from her job, to the death of her partner five years ago, to how she almost died. It's just too much.
There's a group starting up at Swedish in March for breast cancer survivors and I think that will be better suited for me. Dr. Dobie said they take on issues about reconstruction, intimacy - all the stuff I'm worried about.
The memorial for our group friend that died is a week from tomorrow, and I'm sure most of the group will be there. I will let the ones I want to know, that I am choosing to move on to a group more suited for my needs.
Sunday I'm going to the Broadway touring production of "West Side Story" at the beautiful Paramount Theatre. I'm so excited! My co-worker, Meghan, saw it last night and loved it. Did you know it hasn't been on stage in 30 years? They've reworked it and some of the songs are sung in Spanish now. And Meghan said the last number is way edgier than in the movie. I'm going with a friend, and I'm so excited!
Anyway, I'm over half way now on the nuking!