Tired and sore

Everybody is asking "how are you doing?" I'm tired and I am sore. My big accomplishment today was to get Abbey to the groomer and pick her up. I didn't even shower until a little bit ago. I woke up too early, read the paper, had breakfast, paid bills, tried to make some sense out of hospital shit, balanced my checkbook and by then it was noon and I was exhausted.
I hate feeling so helpless and weak. My cousin, Julie, wrote in a card to me to "be patient with yourself." That is a very hard thing for me to do.
So, I'm already back in my jammies, eating an apple and having a glass of wine, which I can tolerate again, thank God, but I limit myself to two glasses since I'm on pain killers.
What hurts so bad is where the nasty drain appears to start, sort of under my arm pit, near the site where they took the sentinel node out, which hurt anyway. I hate this drain so much. They'll take it out when I get 30ml or less per day coming out of me. Today has been good - only 60 so far. It hurts, and it's ugly. My chest is ugly. All I'd have to do on Halloween is take my shirt off and I could scare the living beejeezus out of anyone. I hate the way I look.
The good news is that I am cancer free. I'm very, very relieved, but it doesn't make this pain any easier. I consulted with a second radiologist Thursday, and I will be doing radiation. It was a coin toss.
Since I was triple positive (for hormone receptors) there is a school of thought that radiation isn't necessary. However, with the size of my tumor and it's aggression, it is recommended. I'm doing it. The day I made this decision, a story came out in the New York Times with the header "Radiation Therapy After Breast Cancer Surgery Cuts Recurrence, Study Says." Blew my mind.
Basically, if I do this, there's a good chance it will never come back, and if it does, it will be in 10-15 years. By then, maybe there will be other methods of treating breast cancer. If not, well I'll be old enough by then to just say screw it, go on a nice trip somewhere, and come home to die.
So on November 9, I'll have a CT which will enable the radiologist to know precisely where to aim the nuke, and I'll start radiation when I get back from my little trip to Hawaii in December.
I'm so proud of my kid. He rode all day the other day with the Coeur d'Alene Fire Department, and took a few blood pressures and what not. I think he's really getting into this EMT thing, and I'm so happy about that.
I hope you all won't abandon me. Being cancer free doesn't mean the hell is over. I so appreciate everyone who reads this blog, and cares about me.