"I'm so tired....

I haven't slept a wink, I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink."
That's from the White Album, by the Beatles. Their music always lifts me up when I'm feeling down. When I do get to the pearly gates one day, after catching up with ma and pa, John and George are next! Then Princess Diana.
Okay, I digress. I am sleeping better, but I'm still so damn tired. For those of you who know me well, you know I don't relax easily, and I have a fierce need to be in control of my life. With cancer, that control is slipping away. And it's frustrating, and for me, depressing.
I'm doing well as far as the tumor continuing to shrink, and my blood count was awesome yesterday when I went in for treatment. My mind continues to wander with the chemo brain. This is not just like the usual 50-something "can't remember shit" syndrome. It's like having to read press releases sometimes multiple times to comprehend it, or walking with a cup to put in the dishwasher, and I'm heading to the bathroom. It drives me nuts.
My hair continues to thin. I did get a haircut last weekend. Mallory did not think it was time for the buzz yet, because it's not coming out in big clumps. But it's still heartbreaking for me.
I'm exercising, but I get hungrier than I used to, consequently I've gained about 3 pounds. Great. Fat, bald and forgetful.
I had four Alaskans in town last weekend, which was great, but I wore myself out. But, it was worth it. I hit the wall Monday though, and couldn't go to work at all. However, the IT department issued me a laptop (a Mac, yay!) so I can work when I'm not there. Our copy editor, little sweet Becca, told me I'm the first reporter she's seen get issued a laptop in her three years with the company. So I was stoked about that. I work on a big I-Mac at the office, and I swear one of these days I'm going to break down and get my own for home. I have become convinced that Mac is the way to go.
So, tomorrow is Mother's Day, and my baby is as far away as he's ever been from me, in Texas still, working. I miss him, and I'll probably cry tomorrow over how much I do miss him. My dear aunt Ebba died last week, which stung, but she was almost 93. She had a good life, but now only one of my mother's sisters is alive, Edith, who I am very close to. It's odd and painful losing the elders.
So, yeah, I'm a little depressed, but I guess it's normal given the circumstances.
I don't know if any of you ever read "The Shack," but it's about one man's journey to rediscover his faith in God after his young daughter is brutally murdered. It's a beautiful story, which I know a lot of Christians think is a little too off-the-wall, but I loved it and it meant a lot to me.
Tomorrow night, at the Wa-Mu Theater, "Stories from the Shack" debuts, and Brad and I are going. He hasn't read the book, and I don't know what he'll think, but I really want to see it. Danny Gokey, who was in the top five on American Idol a couple seasons back, is in it. He's very good. He had lost his young wife (I think to cancer) just before Idol and this book saved his life he said. So, it should be very emotional. I'll probably bawl!
Happy Mother's Day to all you fabulous mom's who read this. I wish I had my momma still to hold and cry on her shoulder sometimes.